Dancing with Dumbledore
by dumbledores beard
Summary: Lots of fun with HP characters. Includes Snape breakdancing. REVIEW!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer – We do not own Harry Potter or any of his fffrrrreeeaaakkky fffrrriiieeennddss. We do however claim the right of Marcus' toothbrush.

Harry was walking down a hall of Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizadry under his invisibility cloak when he heard a moan coming from a nearby closet. Upon carefully opening the door he saw Snape and Filch swapping wizard cards while shagging the arses off one another. Mrs Norris was biting Snape's arse. "Give it to me! Right on there kitty!"

Harry being the gentlemen that he is decided to stay and watch. He could feel the erection forming. But it was immediately lost when Dumbledore stepped in naked and started dancing. Just as Dumbledore was approaching his morris dancing slot, Filch, overtaken by lust pounced on the unsuspecting Headmaster and did the funky chicken with him. Upon seeing this Snape was overcome with jealousy and started to break dance. At seeing this, Dumbledore thought that the can-can would be the best option, followed by the hokey cokey. Filch then finished off with a very accurate Micheal Jackson impersonation (crotch grabbing and a lot of 'ooowwwwwwwwssssssss')

Harry, feeling quite ill now decided to go and spy on Marcus Flint undressing and hoping for a chance to suck his teeth. He made his way down to the dungeons and found himself facing a portrait of Snape naked. 

"Password?" said the naked Snape provocatively. 

Harry, who had beaten the password out of a first year that morning said, "Pokemon". The portrait swung open and Harry stepped inside. The Slytherin common room was very 'green'. Harry made his way up to the seventh year dormitories and stepped inside. He could see Marcus, sprawled on his bed asleep, in his favourite pyjamas (the ones with flying toothbrushes on them). He was cuddled up to a teenage mutant ninja turtle toy. Harry made his way over and caressed his molars. He picked up the toothbrush on the bedside table, and started to gently caress the teeth and then promptly stuck the brush up his nose. 

Marcus jerked awake. "Take that side!" he shouted. He had obviously been dreaming about Quidditch. Harry gently brushed the hair out of his eyes using the bogey covered toothbrush. 

"Potter" He growled. "What in hells name are you doing in my dormitory?!" 

"I… er… was…er.. taking a walk", stuttered Harry. 

"And does taking a walk usually consist of sticking a toothbrush up someone's nose?"  said Flint sarcastically.

"It's just… I…. Like… your…nose". said Harry. 

"And did I give you permission to abuse it?" said Flint .

"Look, just shut up and take yer kegs down" Shouted Harry

"Why Potter, I never knew you cared"

"I don't, I just wanted some fun", said Harry mischievously.

"Fun?" said Flint, "I'll give you some fun". He pulled out some handcuffs from the bedside drawer. 

"Where did you get those?" asked Harry, amazed.

"A gift, from Draco's  father"

Just then a grunt came from the opposite side of the room. Adrian Pucey was rolling over and mumbling something about Snape having big feet. Harry, afraid of being caught by a herd of Slytherins, in their dormitories gave Marcus a quick peck on his frontal incisors, threw the invisibility cloak over himself and ran for the door. 

Unfortunately, as he ran into the common room, he ran into something hard. They fell to the floor and it was then that Harry realised he was buried in a mass of blond hair plastered in hair gel. 

"Who's there" screamed Draco Malfoy while trying to hide the 'Play girl' magazine he was holding. 

"Your worst nightmare" said Harry in a sinister voice.

"What, Pansy, are you naked _again_" cried Draco in frustration.

"I'm quite fully clothed. Thanks," said Harry. 

"Potter, is that-" 

Before Draco could finish his sentence the common room door opened and Snape strolled in wearing a red latex skirt and bra.

"Have you finished with my magazine yet Draco? It's just that Flitwick is meeting me in five minutes and I want to get in the mood"

Draco handed Snape the magazine. Harry took this opportunity to bypass Snape and peg it out of the Slytherin common room. 


	2. Trelawney's Prediction

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Disclaimer: Like we said before, we do not own anything apart from Marcus' dentist implements. So get reading.

Chapter two 

TRELAWNEY'S PREDICTION

Harry carried on pegging it down the corridor towards the Fat Lady (currently sporting suspenders and stockings and keeping a very drunk Sir Cadagon entertained). 

"Password?" said the Fat Lady, pulling up her stockings to reveal a suspiciously lumpy crotch.

Resisting the impulse to regurgitate his lunch Harry said "Eastenders". Luckily the portrait swung open before Harry was forced to discover what Sir Cadagon's hand was currently reaching towards.

Once Harry had entered his eyelids began to droop. He made his way towards his dormitory door (choosing not to take any notice of the game of strip poker between Fred Weasley and Lee Jordan, who was commentating every detail). 

Harry entered his dormitory room and was hit with a variety of disturbing noises. From Deans bed he swore he heard Seamus saying "Whos yur daddy, whos yur daddy", and the reply being "you are, you are". From Nevilles bed he heard a voice squeaking, "what a big branch you have" and Harry swore he could see leaves sticking out of the curtains that were fortunately closed.

Harry decided to find some sanity and so approached the poster bed of his best friend Ron Weasley.

He opened Ron's curtains to find his best friend doing it doggy style with professor Trelawny. "Aaaaaaaaauuugh" Harry screamed and the room went quiet, the only sound was Lee Jordans voice drifting through the open door "and he shoots, HE SCORES, woooooo!".

"What the hell are you doing with that troll" screamed Harry at his now former best friend and current desperate nymphomaniac.

"What do you think I'm doing, knitting?" retorted Ron who was wearing Trelawney's glasses and caressing her love handles.

"How could you-" but Harry didn't have a chance to say what he was saying because Trelawney had suddenly frozen and a dreamy expression was passing over her face.

"Yes my lord, he has arrived" she said. Suddenly her eyes turned red and snake like and she said in a childish high pitched voice "Hawwy Potter, my hour is at hand. I will wip you apart and cwush your fwiends into the gwound. I am watching you Hawwy Potter". The entire dormitory broke into fits of laughter, it was Moleymort (apparently, according to the Daily Prophet, Voldemort had grown a disturbing obsession with moles having been found licking the mole which was residing on Lucius Malfoy's nipple and was henceforth nicknamed Moleymort after becoming the joke of the nation and developing an unusual habit of swappin his R's for W's).

"Hey, shut up, I'm eeeeevil" screamed Trelawney/Moleymort.

Harry's legs went weak. Ever since coming face to face with Voldemort at the Triwizard Tournament he had developed an obsession with Vodemort's new found body. He remembered the intense feeling he had had when he first saw it rising out of the cauldron and couldn't help but notice Voldemort's curvy hips. Harry smiled at the memory even though it involved watching poor Cedders die and almost being murdered.

"I'm coming for you, Potter, just like I came for your father (he had a nice arse Potter, a very very nice arse). Lets hope you keep your's in shape for when I awwive. Mwa ha ha"

Trelawney suddenly became her self again and looked around.

"Aaaaahh Harry I see you have finally accepted your destiny and will join me and Ron. We were just about to use the chocolate body paint" said Trelawney in her mysterious voice.

Upon hearing this, Harry whipped around and ran out the door preferring to spend the night on the common room sofa with Fred and Lee baptising the table.  


	3. The Fiery Member

Disclaimer: We own NOTHING except Lucius' mole and Fred and Lee's strip poker table.

CHAPTER 3

The fiery member

Harry woke up with a jerk after having a nightmare involving Sirius, Snape and a jar of honey. 

Harry made his way down to the great hall wearing fresh robes and a thong with a snitch on it. 

Upon entering the great hall, Harry couldn't help but notice the fact that Dumbledore's hair was dishevelled and he was wearing nothing but a pair of socks and suspenders. Snape was currently giving him puppy dog eyes while masturbating underneath the table (scary thought). 

Harry walked past the Slytherin table and out of the corner of his eye saw Marcus Flint flirting with Vincent Crabbe. Overwhelmed by jealousy, Harry stormed over to him.

"Did last night mean nothing to you" he roared.

"Easy Potter, I've got a note" said Marcus.

Harry took the scroll and read:

_Potter,_

_I Professor Snape deem Marcus free to fuck anyone he wishes due to his enormous teeth and tight arse. Therefore, I do not wish you to hassle him (but I happen to be free this Saturday). This is due to the fact that he has been experiencing extreme toothache and needs his rest. I do not want to see you in the Slytherin common room again (the password to my private room is 'Tinky Winky)._

_Bring a friend (except Weasley)_

_Snape_

Harry grudgingly rolled up the letter and handed it back to Marcus and made his way to the Gryffindor table where he encountered Colin Creevey. 

"Wow Harry, I heard about you sneaking into the Slytherin Dormitories. Would you tell me when you next go there, so I can bring my camera?" squeaked Colin excitedly.

"No Colin, not since you took that photo of me wearing Hermione's panties". Harry pushed Colin out of the way and sat next to Ron.

"You owe me an apology" spat Harry.

"What for?" said Ron.

"For having sex with that insect"

"What? Neville was screwing a tree for Gods sake" said Ron while Neville absentmindedly pulled a leaf out of his hair.

"That's different. At least he didn't screw Trelawney" said Harry.

"Oh, and having fun and games with the teeth of doom is any better" said Ron indignantly.

The Great Hall was beginning to empty around them.

"Fine, if that's the way you feel, I'm leaving", Harry grabbed his bag and stormed out.

When Harry left the Great Hall, Snape approached him.

"Potter, the headmaster would like to talk to you after he has finished his meeting with MacGonnagal, the password is 'Sherbet Nipples'" said Snape who gave him a suggestive wink and stalked off.

Harry decided to go and see Dumbledore immediately.

He made his way to his office said the password and waited for the stairs to carry him up.

Upon reaching Dumbledore's office door he was about to knock when he heard, 

"However"

"However"

"However"

"HOWEVER" 

As Dumbledore's subordinate conjunctions began to reach fever pitch, Harry decided to leave him to it and go to Potions.

He made his way to the dungeons and met Ron and Hermione outside. Harry decided to make up with Ron, he approached him and said "look Ron, I'm sorry, Trelawney is dog ugly but you have every right to bump uglies with whoever you want."

Ron nodded and indicated for Harry to join him going into the Potions classroom.

Upon entering, they saw that Snape was in his 'Sunday best' clothes, his denim skirt and Charlies Angels T-shirt, his hair was in pigtails and he was currently painting his nails.

Harry was about to sit down when someone blocked his way. It was Draco Malfoy.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the teeth sucker." Said Malfoy. " Does Weasley let you do that to his teeth? Or is he too busy with his head up Trelawney's ass? I hope she pays him for it, her arse must be bigger than his house"

"Only Marcus' teeth can do it for me. Why Malfoy, are you jealous considering the best you can do is Dennis Creevey and that's only because you fed him a sleeping potion" said Harry smoothly.

"Shut up you-"

"What is going on here" roared Snape.

"Malfoy was just telling what he would like to do to Argus Filch if he ever got him alone in a broom cupboard and especially what he would do to Mrs Norris. Hey, maybe he could borrow your red latex, I heard Filch likes that."

Snape went red and then turned purple, "get to your dormitories immediately".

Harry and Malfoy scarpered.

Harry entered the Gryffindor common room which was thankfully empty. Harry sat down and suddenly noticed something in the fire. It looked extremely like a males' private parts. In fact, it looked extremely like Sirius' private parts. 

"S..Sirius?" stammered Harry. 

"Hey Harry, how are you?" said a voice from somewhere around the disturbing scene.

"What do you think to my new willy piercing?" said Sirius' member.

Harry looked closer and could just make out a ring with a poodle on it.

"Er… that's very nice Sirius, where did you get it done" said Harry, beginning to pale.

"Oh, Remus did it for me. Unfortunately it was a full moon so I was lucky to escape with my brotwurst at all. Hey, whats that…uh I gotta go"

Something else was entering the fire, it was a hand reaching and searching blindly for something. Harry immediately recognised the ring that adorned the hands wedding finger, it was Arthur Weasley.

"oohhhh, Sirius, let me see it, can I see it? Fascinating, muggle piercings, what will they think of next."

Harry decided once again, to go and find some sanity.

    


	4. Quidditch

Disclaimer: blah, blah, blah own nothing blah blah.

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CHAPTER FOUR

Quidditch

Harry awoke from a very disturbing dream. He had dreamt that he was Sirius' poodle ring and that he kept trying to bite Sirius' member. He only hoped that Sirius was okay. 

Today was the first Quidditch match of the season. Griffindor were to play Slytherin (which meant a lot of gawping at Marcus' arse). Harry made his way down to the Great Hall and seated himself between Ron and Hermione. 

"So, are you and Trelawney actually seeing each other then?" said Harry.

"Yeah" sighed Ron "I love her, she's out of this world".

"Too true, she's an alien" muttered Harry.

"What?"

"Nothing, doesn't matter".

Harry glanced up at the staff table. Snape was wearing a yellow polka dot bikini today, and had decided to braid his hair. Dumbledore had settled for orange hotpants, which showed off his crotch perfectly.  

Over at the Slytherin table, Marcus Flint was sucking on a sausage from his plate, while giving Harry suggestive looks. Harry gave him a wink. 

Suddenly, the doors to the Great Hall burst open and Hagrid strolled in wearing a moleskin bikini. 

"Sorry bou' that" he said. "Had to sort out Fang, caught him havin' a bonk with some ruddy bird called Errol"

"Percy won't be pleased" said Ron.

"Alright 'Arry? lookin' forward to the match?" said Hagrid. 

"Oh yes, I sure am" said Harry, glancing over at Marcus, who was currently bending over. 

The Great Hall was starting to empty.

"Good luck 'Arry, I bes' be off, before Fang starts on the Blast Ended Skrewts" said Hagrid. 

Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way to the entrance hall. 

"Good luck Harry, just keep your eye out for the Snitch and nothing else" said Ron. 

"Harry promise you won't go looking at Marcus Flint's bottom" said Hermione. "It won't give you any points."

Harry ignored them (he'd like to give Flint's arse more than a point).

Over in the changing room, Oliver Wood (currently sporting a kilt and a hard on) was giving the usual pep talk.    

"Now team, I want a nice clean game, no dirty tackles (Harry was sure that Wood would certainly be exposing a dirty tackle, judging from the kilt.). So let's get out there and show Slytherin what we're made of!" 

The team made their way on to the pitch. Madam Hooch was refereeing as usual.

"Mount your brooms please" said Hooch. "Captains, don't bother shaking hands. Shake yer willies!"

"Er, I think we'll pass on that" said Wood. 

"Very well, BEGIN!" 

"And They're oooooofffffffff!" shouted Lee Jordan. "Slytherin in possession of the Quaffle, Pucey passes to Flint, Flint intercepted by Spinnet, Spinnet passes to Bell, ooooooohhhhhhhhhh Bell gets hit by a bludger sent by Slytherin beater Goyle (Crabbe and Goyle are the beater's at the moment). 

Meanwhile, Harry was too busy searching for Flint's arse rather than the Snitch. 

"Alright there toothsucker?" shouted Draco Malfoy who was currently Slytherin seeker. "Heard our new song yet?" 

Harry stirred. From down below in the stands, he could hear the Slytherins chanting.

_"Potter cannot catch the snitch_

_Potter is a dirty bitch_

_He cannot spot a single thing _

_Apart from Marcus Flint's arse ring"_

"Like it Potter?" sneered Malfoy "Suits you doesn't it? Too busy staring at Flint's arse, Still it must be better than Weasley staring at Trelawney's fat ass". 

Harry began to blush. He made a dive for Malfoy.

"You little shit!" he shouted. "I'll knock you off your broom Malfoy!". 

Malfoy screamed and started to fly off, trying to escape Harry. 

_"Potter cannot catch the Snitch _

_Potter is a dirty Bitch _

_He cannot spot a single thing _

_Apart from Marcus Flint's arse ring"_

Meanwhile, Lee Jordan was trying to commentate over the loud chanting of the Slytherins. 

"AND GRIFFINDOR LEAD NINETY TO THIRTY!" he shouted.

**"**_POTTER CANNOT CATCH THE SNITCH_

_POTTER IS A DIRTY BITCH_

_HE CANNOT SPOT A SINGLE THING_

_APART FROM MARCUS FLINT'S ARSE RING"_

The whole match was in uproar. Lee Jordan was currently being strangled by Professor Mcgonnagal, who disapproved of his shouting and crude comments about Fred Weasley's crotch. Wood was trying desperately to stop Angelina, Katie and Alicia from grabbing his crotch (his kilt had flown up). Fred and George were shooting bludgers at Crabbe and Goyle (who were snogging) and Marcus flint was trying to stop Harry from beating up Malfoy. 

In the Griffindor stands, Hermione was pulling on Ron's robes to prevent him from smacking Professor Grubbly Plank, who was hitting on Trelawney. Snape was once again break dancing, and in the distance Hagrid was desperately trying to pull Fang away from a Blast Ended Skrewt, which had set him on fire. 

Harry meanwhile, had gone back to scanning  for the Snitch (Malfoy was out the way, nursing  his arse after Harry had shoved Malfoy's broom up it.). Harry found the Snitch a few minutes later. It was nestling near Flint's arse. Harry made a dive and reached out his hand. His fingers closed around the tiny golden ball. Harry also took this opportunity to pinch Flint's butt, and the two of them toppled to the ground.

"HARRY POTTER HAS CAUGHT FLINT'S ARSE! SORRY PROFESSOR, THE SNITCH! GRIFFINDOR FINALLY WIN!" 

Harry scrambled to his feet.

_"POTTER GOT THE GOLDEN SNITCH_

_BUT HE'S STILL A DIRTY BITCH_

_EVEN THOUGH THE MATCH IS WON_

_HE'S STILL OBSSESSED WITH __FLINT__'S BUM"_

Harry scowled. He was going to make sure those Slytherins paid for this………   __


	5. The Aftermath

Harry walked into the great hall the morning after the Quidditch match. His hair was ruffled and uncombed and he had circles around his eyes. The Quidditch celebration party had obviously worn him out!

The party started out with the usual Butterbeers and the Weasley twins trying out their latest products. The majority of which were tested on Neville Longbottom. He had so far been transformed into a Rhino by an innocent looking gingerbread man, been given facial hemmaroids by a chocolate éclair and a lust potion was slipped into his Butterbeer and it took twelve Gryffindors to prevent him from charging into Dumbledore's private quarters and pouncing on the arthritic man and giving him a strip tease, revealing his bitch tits. 

It was probably lucky that Neville was unable to get as far as Dumbledore's quarters because at that moment in time, the old man was lap dancing for an over excited potions teacher who was jumping on the bed yelling "swing the beard again, swing the beard again". Unknown to them there was a jealous cat listening at the door plotting to kill the headmaster for biting an arse that was, with all intense and purposes, hers. 

After an hour of Butterbeer drinking, slight vandalism of the toilets (a pebble dashed toilet bowl and 'fuck me you dirty bitch' written in a speech bubble above one of the urinals) the party turned to chaos.

The Weasley twins had a blazing row that went along the lines of.

"How dare you fuck my bitch……. Bitch!"

"Why the fuck would I want to fuck your bitch?"

"Because you're a dirty bitch, you stupid bitch"

"Fine, you jealous bitch, you have him"

"I don't want that stupid bitch now, he's your bitch"

"Well I don't want him either, bitch!"

They ended up kissing and leaving together to their dormitories.

Colin Creevey spent the entire evening trying to pull Crookshanks and they eventually left together.

Towards the end of the night Harry was absolutely blitzed and gave a touching speech to Hermione that went along the lines of:

"I love you Herm, no, no love you. I mean you've got a bit a bit of facial hair and.. yeah, yer a bit annoying and you don't shave and your hair looks like an Afro and you smell like you've rolled in something but I love you". Harry then urinated on the portrait of the fat lady and passed out in Crookshanks cat litter.

And to top it all off, he had a nightmare about an enormous hairy mole chasing him around the Forbidden forest singing "Moley's gonna get you, Moley's gonna get you".

So Harry was now looking forward to a nice breakfast with his friends. Hermione, as usual was hidden behind a big dusty book, in this particular instance, the book was an old copy of 'The Karma Sutra'. 

"Hi Herm, how are you?" said Harry, hoping she hadn't remembered what he'd said the night before.

"Are you asking me or my moustache" answered Hermione coldly. 'No such luck' thought Harry.

"Look, about last night, I was trashed I didn't know what I was saying", Hermione's face softened. "And you can always buy an electric shaver". Harry unfortunately didn't see the rage on Hermione's face and her grabbing her book and swinging it at his head. 

The last thing Harry saw before he slipped into the world of the unconscious was a picture of two people in a very difficult position. 


	6. Revenge is not so sweet

CHAPTER SIX

Harry awoke to the feel of something wet against his face. For a moment he thought he was still dreaming (he had dreamt he was practising a number of positions from the Karma Sutra with Snape) Harry sat up. The wet thing on his face was actually a tongue. Fang's tongue. He was in Hagrid's hut. He pushed Fang away and looked around. There was no sign of Hagrid. Harry decided to make a cup of tea. He made the tea and waited for Hagrid to return. As soon as Harry sat down with the tea the door burst open, and Hagrid strolled in looking very frustrated. One of his hands was bandaged and the other was holding something which looked like the Karma Sutra but with two Blast Ended Skrewts on the front in a very strange position.

"Ruddy Skrewts" He grunted. "Alright 'Arry, feelin' better?" 

Harry was confused.

"Hagrid, what's that?". He pointed to the book Hagrid was holding. 

"This?, oh I brought it off some bloke in the pub. Said it was good for getting Blast Ended Skrewts in the mood". Said Hagrid.

Harry was still confused. 

"Why would you want to get them in the mood Hagrid?" 

"To mate them of course! but the ruddy things ain't interested. Seem more interested in blowin' each other up!"

"Why would you want to mate them?" said Harry.

"I want to sell some off down the pub. You can make good money there ya know".

Harry couldn't imagine why anyone would want to buy a Blast Ended Skrewt. And he certainly didn't want to picture them in any Karma Sutra position.

"How did I get here?" Asked Harry, desperate to change the subject.

"Brought ya down here after Hermione whacked ya with tha' book. Good job it's Sunday and ya don' have lessons. Ya would have missed 'em all with tha' ruddy great book knockin' you out" said Hagrid.

"I was drunk Hagrid. I didn't mean those things that I said to her and I did apologise. It's not my fault she doesn't shave".

"I don' blame Hermione for bein' upset 'Arry. I mean, tellin' her to use an electric shaver, wha' were ya thinkin?".

Harry looked down. He felt terrible.

"The girl needs a ruddy lawnmower for tha' facial hair!" roared Hagrid.

Harry's head shot up. "Wha….What?" 

"Ya should be more honest 'Arry. Tell her she needs a ruddy good cut, otherwise she'll have more facial hair than me! go on, be honest. That'll lead ya right!".

Harry knew better than to follow Hagrid's advice. He knew Hermione's temper was probably worse than Aragog's. 

Five cups of tea later followed by Hagrids whinging about Skrewts being 'Ruddy frigid', Harry made his way back to the castle.

He decided to spend the rest of the evening plotting his revenge on those Slytherins. Thanks to them (mainly Malfoy) his secret fascination with Flint's teeth and arse were now out into the open. 

He made his way to the Griffindor common room. A plan was already forming in his head. Tomorrow morning was Potions first thing. So maybe he could use some sort of potion to get his revenge. Trouble was, he was crap at mixing them, so he would surely need Hermione's help if he wanted to invade Snape's "private" stores.

Hermione and Ron were seated at the back of the common room. Hermione was now over halfway through the Karma Sutra (god knows what she wanted it for and who she was planning to use it with). Ron was busy gazing into a crystal ball and had currently taken to wearing Professor Trelawney's glasses in the process.

Harry cleared his throat.

"Hey Mione, Hey Ron") he said cautiously. Silence.

"I said hey" said Harry more loudly. He sat down next to Hermione.

"Look Mione, I'm sorry for what I said this morning but-"

"But what?" snapped Hermione. "But you think a need a shave? you think I'm hairy? next thing you'll be telling me to use a lawnmower!"

Harry ignored that.

"Look, I'm sorry for being insensitive" he said. "I think your hair is great. Well, your head hair is anyway. Not that you have any other hair….apart from down below….not that I've seen your down below hair….not that I want to……not that I don't want to……but….yeah".

"OH SHUT UP YOU STUPID ARSE OBSESSED DIRTY BITCH!" shouted Hermione, causing the whole common room to go quiet. 

"YOU GO ON ABOUT ME NEEDING A SHAVE AND HAVING HAIR LIKE AN AFRO WHEN YOUR HAIR ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE FLINT'S USED IT TO WIPE HIS ARSE ON! DON'T YOU DARE COME IN HERE APOLOGISING TO ME HARRY. AND AS FOR _HIM _(Hermione gestured to Ron) I'M SICK OF HIM GAZING INTO THAT CRYSTAL BALL AND LOOKING LIKE HE'S JUST BEEN SHAGGED UP THE ARSE!" 

Hermione continued to rant whilst Harry repeatedly ducked a swinging Karma Sutra. Half an hour later of Hermione ranting, Harry ducking and Ron (still) crystal gazing, Hermione finally calmed down and accepted Harry's apology. She also explained that her severe tetchiness was due to a serious case of PMS. 

Harry explained to Hermione about the revenge idea (desperate to change the subject from PMS problems).

"Harry I don't think it's a good idea" said Hermione. 

"I don't care what you think Hermione. Malfoy made me look like a right twat in front of the whole school. You can help me or not. Either way, I want revenge." 

"But we won the match! Everyone's probably forgotten about that stupid song by now!" said Hermione. 

"Hermione, I passed a couple of first year Ravenclaws before breakfast this morning and they both looked at me like I was gonna sink my teeth into their arses. Then they ran away shouting something that sounded very much like the words 'dirty bitch'" said Harry. 

"Ok ok, you want revenge". said Hermione. "I'm sure I can think of something……"

*********************************************************************

"Ok," said Hermione in the potins classroom the following morning. "Snape's not here yet, so I'll sneak in before he comes. But I'm warning you, it's going to be very dangerous" 

The trio had arrived at Snape's classroom ten minutes before the lesson started to make sure they didn't get caught.

Hermione made her way towards the back of the classroom to Snape's store cupboard. Five minutes later, she returned, potion in hand. 

"Hermione, what is this potion called? you never actually told us what it does" said Harry.

"This is a Multiplicity potion. When given to a number of people, it causes a variety of different effects. In other words, when this is dropped into the Slytherins drinks at lunchtime, each Slytherin will experience something different to the other one" said Hermione.

"So you mean Malfoy could experience something different to Marcus Flint?" said Ron (who had finally managed to tear his eyes away from the crystal ball) 

"Maybe" said Hermione. We'll just have to see. I'm sure it will be fun to watch. But we have to be very careful not to get caught. Harry, straight after lesson, you go down to the kitchens and tell Dobby to pour the potion into one large jug of pumpkin juice and to make sure that jug is put onto the Slytherin table. Once the Slytherins have drank the potion, it should take up to ten minutes for effect. There should be enough there for the whole table."

After Potions, Harry made his way straight down to the kitchens and "tickled the pear".

"Harry Potter!" came the familiar shriek of Dobby. "Such an honour it-"

"Yeah, yeah" said Harry. "Listen Dobby, could you do me a favour?"

Harry explained the potion business. 

"Anything for you sir" said Dobby, staring goggled eyed at Harry. "Always for you". 

"Ok….er… Dobby.. why do you look so flushed?" asked Harry, confused. 

"Dobby has extra job now sir. Dobby is used to hard work. Dobby is having intercourse with Winky ten times a day now sir". 

Harry wished he'd never asked. 

"Er…great…that's…..great…..keep it up…..no….I mean…keep at it….er…just make sure that jug gets onto the Slytherin table….er…see ya. Harry scarpered.

*********************************************************************

Twenty minutes into lunch, the Great Hall was in uproar. 

The Multiplicity potion had taken effect. And what effects!.

Draco Malfoy must have been the first to drink his potion, because ten minutes into lunch, he immediately threw down his knife and fork, got up onto the table and shouted, "ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!" whilst pointing directly at Hagrid, who was making his way to the staff table. Then he started running around the tables screaming "MAN THE LIFEBOATS, LLLIIIIIFFFFEEEBBBOOAAATTTSSS ARRGGHH".

It would seem that the potion had caused Draco to hallucinate and he was now convinced that Hogwarts was the Titanic, that Hagrid was the iceberg, and that everyone within the school had one hour left until it sank. He then ran out of the Great Hall screaming something about "women and children only to come forward to a boat".

Then came the next outburst. Marcus Flint's robes began to change and he was left with flared white trousers and overlarge sideburns.There was no mistaking it, he was Elvis Presley. He rushed up to the staff table, took Professor McGonnagol's hand, sung a chorus of "Love Me Tender followed by "thank you very much" at the end and made his out of the hall. Trouble was, McGonnagol turned out to be a true fan of Elvis and pegged it out of the hall as well, desperate the seduce "the king" and yelling ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!!!.

Pansy Parkinson was now a Salmon and was currently being clawed at by Goyle, who had been transformed into a Sabertooth tiger. Several Slytherins had grown severe facial hair and had immediately ran up to the staff table and began stroking Dumbledore's beard whilst saying 'ooohhh what a long beard you have'. Others had swollen heads, explosive diarrhoea, invisibilty and extreme sexual apetite's (in others words, wanting to bonk the nearest thing to them). Crabbe had been treated to an extreme sexual apetite and immediately made his way up to the staff table to seduce a very disgusted Snape.

"You just aren't my type!!! away I say, away with you, you stupid nymphomaniac!!!" shouted Snape. 

The whole school was in hysterics (apart from the students who had been chosen as sex objects for certain Slytherins and were desperately trying to get out of the hall). 

"Dumbledore, what is the meaning of this?!" shouted Snape, who at that moment was trying desperately to stop Crabbe from pulling down his trousers.

"Calm severus calm" said Dumbledore, whose beard was now standing erect from all the stroking. "It would seem as though the Slytherins are experiencing a few…ah..problems".

"PROBLEMS?!" shouted Snape, who had lost his fight to keep his trousers on. "There had better be some good explanation for this" 

"hhhmmmm" said Dumbledore, obviously in heaven with all this beard attention (several Slytherins had to stand on the staff table to reach his fully erect beard).

*********************************************************************

It took the rest of the day for the potion to wear off. Even then the effects were still slightly there. Marcus Flint was still whistling Elvis tunes followed by 'thank you very much' at the end and insisted on wearing the collar of his robes turned up. Draco Malfoy kept flinching every time he saw Hagrid or an ice cube. Goyle kept clawing thin air and baring his teeth at innocent looking first years. Crabbe could be spotted sniffing Snape's trousers to satisfy his remaining lust. Pansy Parkinson, though no longer a salmon, still seemed to look remarkably like one. Filch was furious at the fact that all the toilets were now pebble dashed (including the sinks) due to the explosive diarrhoea. 

Harry was ecstatic. The potion had been a success and he was satisfied. 

"We didn't get caught, they'll never work it out!" he said.

"We don't want to make it too obvious that we enjoyed that though" said Hermione.

"They deserved it though. Bloody Slytherins. Let's hope it bloody teaches them a bloody lesson" said Ron.

"Probably won't. You know what Malfoy's like" said Harry.

Suddenly, there was a tapping at the common room window. A Griffindor first year opened it and an owl flew in and straight over to Harry. The owl dropped an envelope. A red envelope. It was smoking. 

"A howler! Oh no" said Hermione. "It's addressed to you Harry. You'd better open it".

Harry picked up the envelope with trembling hands and opened it. The deep (and seductive) voice of Snape filled the common room. 

"POTTER! DON'T THINK THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT IT WAS YOU THAT FED MY STUDENTS A MULTIPLICITY POTION! YOU WILL GO TO DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY TO BE PUNISHED! YOU HAVE HUMILIATED THE ENTIRE SLYTHERIN HOUSE"

"How did he find out?" gasped Hermione.

"MY LAST SUPPLY OF MULTIPLICITY POTION HAS NOW GONE AND I KNOW GRANGER HAS BEEN IN MY PRIVATE STORES BECAUSE I COULD SMELL THAT DISGUSTING SHAMPOO THAT SHE PUTS ON THAT BUSH OF HERS! YOU SHALL GO TO DUMBLEDORE THEN REPORT TO ME AT ONCE! YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT THE PASSWORD IS TO MY PRIVATE ROOM (Tinky Winky) AND I EXPECT YOU TO BE THERE. AND IF I CATCH YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MARCUS FLINT'S TEETH OR ARSE I SHALL GET MY OVERLARGED CROOKED NOSE AND STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!!!! NOW GO TO DUMBLEDORE. 

"OH YEAH, AND YOU CAN BRING TWO FRIENDS TO MY ROOM THIS TIME AND THAT EXCLUDES WEASLEY AND GRANGER!!! GOODNIGHT!!! LOVE SEVERUS. KISSY KISSY. MMWWWAAA!!!!!!

The envelope burst into flames. 

Harry gulped. This was going to be a very long and painful night…………….


	7. Dancing with the truth

DISCLAIMER: We, unfortunately, are not JK Rowling. Therefore, we own nothing. Actually that is a lie. Because we actually wrote the proper version of Order of The Phoenix and the character doesn't die. We locked JK in a cupboard and wrote our proper version of the book which will be out sometime near Christmas. Actually I'm talking total crap and living in a dream world so get reading!!!!!!!! Don't forget to review!!!!!!!!! If anyone is offended by any parts of the story then we are truly sorry (It's all fun).

CHAPTER SEVEN

Harry nervously made his way to Dumbledore's office. He knew he'd gone too far. Although judging by the look on Dumbledore's face when those Slytherins were stroking his beard, Harry would say that he had a good chance of getting away with it. But still, he couldn't be sure. What if he was expelled?. The good thing about that was that Harry would maybe get to see Sirius more often. Although Harry wasn't sure he wanted to since Sirius had got his member pierced. He didn't really fancy the idea of hanging out with Sirius if Sirius was going to literally "hang out" and flash his poodle ring. 

He reached the stone Gargoyle (which had been given a beard identical to Dumbledore's) and gave the password (sherbet nipples). Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen. Harry nervously sat down and awaited Dumbledore's return. He glanced around at the familiar portraits (most of which were currently break dancing and stroking fake beards and winking). As he was glancing around the room, his eyes rested on a large trophy on the wall. Harry (full of curiosity) got up and made his way over to the wall. The trophy was brown with a gold plaque in the middle which read the words:

__

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE AND JAMES POTTER

1ST CLASS WIZARD WALTZING CHAMPIONS 1980

Harry stared at the trophy. What the hell was his dads name doing on Dumbledore's wall? on a trophy? waltzing? 

Harry was confused (as usual). The trophy was next to another trophy which read:

__

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

1ST CLASS BEARD GROOMING CHAMPION

THE HOTTEST BEARD IN TOWN!

Harry couldn't understand why his dads name was on the trophy. He glanced around the room. His eyes fell upon a familiar object resting on Dumbledore's desk. It was the Pensieve. he had an idea. The trophy must be one of Dumbledore's best memories. He would surely store it. Dumbledore was probably grooming his beloved beard. Harry was sure there would be enough time……He only hoped it would work.

He slowly walked over to the Pensieve and gazed at the swirls inside. He glanced hard…….The room was changing……………

He was in a room. A room filled with music. Witches and wizards dancing. A ballroom. It was huge (the ballroom that is). Harry could just about make out the judges table at the far end. He searched frantically around the room for his father. This must have been to do with that trophy.

Then he saw Dumbledore. He was dressed in his best ballroom robes. His beard was gelled and plaited. His long hair was pulled into buns on each side of his head and his half moon spectacles were decorated with baubles. He had a huge sign on his back which read "73" (his ballroom entry number). Harry moved closer. As he did so, he noticed that Dumbledore was standing with someone who looked very much like an older version of Tom Riddle. Surely not? 

He was sitting right next to Dumbledore and "Tom" now. He listened. 

"We are up any moment now Tom" said Dumbledore "I trust you have been practising?"

"Of course I have Albus. I would never go out there and breakdance without practising first".

"Pleased to hear it, Tom. You know, I think that little talk that we had has settled things hasn't it?"

"What little talk?" asked Tom.

"The talk about you and this ridiculous idea of taking over the world" said Dumbledore.

"That was my plan, until I met you Albus. You and your beautiful beard have changed me. It would be my dream for us to dance together in the final." said Tom. 

"Ah, now I had been meaning to talk to you about that. I would love to dance with you in the final Tom. However-"

Before Dumbledore could finish they were called onto the dance floor. Harry moved closer. Harry recognised one of the judges as Snape (sporting pigtails and a robe with the words "breakdancing bitch" on the front"). Another one of the judges was (remarkably) Argus Filch!!!! He was actually wearing clean robes which had the words "Micheal Jackson kicks ass" on the front. Next judge was McGonnagol, wearing red robes sporting the words "Morris dancing Minx" on the front. 

Dumbledore and Tom began their routine. Dumbledore started off with a simple Morris dancing routine followed by the can-can. Tom followed with some break dancing ("He's doing it all wrong, his legs aren't right" whispered Snape to McGonnagol). Dumbledore then began to do a dance that could only be matched to "The birdy song", whilst proudly swinging his beard between his legs. They then finished off with the Funky Chicken.

After they had finished, the judges held up their signs. They had been given reasonable marks (with the exception of Snape who totally disagreed with the break dancing slot and insisted that he was the "bitch of all breakdancing")

The dancing partners made their way back to their seats. Harry moved again. 

"Now Tom, there is something I have been meaning to tell you" said Dumbledore.

"What is it sweetbeard?" said Tom. 

"About the final. I ….ah….I……cannot dance with you Tom"

"Oh come on Albus, surely I'm not that bad?" said Tom.

"Actually you suck" said Dumbledore. "But that's another matter".

"Well what then?"

"I ……I've …..I've been seeing someone else Tom". 

"What?" 

"I've been seeing someone else Tom"

"What?"

"I've been seeing someone else Tom"

"uhehmmmhhpphh"

"Pardon?"

"hhhuummpphhgrrrrrr"

"Excuse me?"

"heh ummm Since when?"

"Since what?"

"Since when have you been seeing someone else and when you say "seeing", do you mean as in having you know what with them?"

"What's you know what?"

"Sex"

"Oh erm yes. Me and my beard have had sexual intercourse with this person".

"What person?"

"The person I have been seeing"

"Who is this person?"

"James Potter"

"James?"

"Yes"

"Potter?"

"Yes"

"Is he the one that's been bonking Lily Evans and has just had a kid with her?"

"Yes"

"Then why are you bonking him then?"

"Because Tom, We fell in love. I am sorry. It just happened. I know I'm old enough to be his grandad and all but the truth is, you suck at dancing and sex. So I've been sneaking off and having one hell of a time behind your back. Truth is you were never going to succeed in taking over the world because you are a total smeghead. Everything you do is full of smeg. So me and my beard will leave you now Tom. Goodbye".

Dumbledore got up and began to leave the Ballroom. Tom looked furious. Then came his outburst.

"YOU STUPID PATHETIC CRACKPOT OF AN OLD MAN! GET YOUR SHRIVELLED ARSE OVER HERE NOW AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING YOU STUPID BEARDED FOOL! I QUIT BEING EVIL FOR YOU AND WHAT FOR? TO HAVE YOU SHAG ARSE BEHIND MY BACK".

Dumbledore turned back. 

"You see Tom, I've always had a problem with your little outbursts. One would think you were going through the menopause. Oh and don't try tracking me down or murdering James Potter. Because that would be really silly".

"I'LL GET YOU DUMBLEDORE! I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE A FOOL ANYWAY. GO ON, HAVE POTTER AS YOUR DANCING PARTNER. SEE IF I CARE. I DON'T. WELL, ACTUALLY I DO. I'LL MAKE YOU AND POTTER PAY FOR MAKING ME LOOK STUPID!!! I WAS GETTING TIRED OF SEEING YOUR SHRIVELLED ARSE IN MY FACE ANYWAY!" Shouted Tom.

"Shrivelled, hey?" said Dumbledore. "Then Tom, would you kindly like to inform the ballroom about the ENORMOUS HAIRY MOLE THAT IS SITUATED ON YOUR LEFT BUTTOCK CHEEK?"

Tom went red. Then purple. Then green. Then yellow. Then multi-coloured.

"How. dare. you" he said slowly. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY MOLE IN PUBLIC. NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!! THAT MOLE IS MY MOLE AND IS PRIVATE!! YOU HAVE BEYOND RIDICULED ME!!! MY REPUTATION IS CRUSHED. HOW DARE YOU BRING MOLEY INTO THIS? WATCH YOUR BACK DUMBLEDORE. AND POTTER'S. THEN AGAIN IM SURE YOU WILL BE WATCHING HIS BACK IF YOU'RE BONKING HIM!!!!!!!"

"Goodbye Tom. Hope you find help soon".

The entire ballroom was silent. Apart from Snape who was sniggering and sticking his arse in Filch's face as if to indicate a mole. 

Harry sat there. Dumbledore slept with Voldemort. He cheated on Voldemort with Harry's dad. Harry felt sick. Suddenly, he felt himself moving……..

He was back in Dumbledore's office. He still felt sick. A voice made him jump.

"Ah Harry, I see you have witnessed one of my great-"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" Shouted Harry. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE CHEATING ON VOLDEMORT WITH MY FATHER?"

"Ah…yes…I was going to mention it. Slipped my mind though."

"SLIPPED YOUR MIND? THAT'S WHY HE KILLED THEM ISN'T IT? HE WAS JEALOUS OF YOU DANCING WITH MY FATHER WASN'T HE? THAT'S WHY HE WANTED HIM DEAD!"

"It would seem so. Yes. Harry this must be a terrible shock for you. I am most terribly sorry that I did not tell you."

"So what does Voldemort want with me now?" said Harry, calming a little. 

"It would seem that he wants you to waltz with him, Harry. Want's to see if you have the power to compete with him in dancing"

"And what about my mother? Why did he kill her then? she had nothing to do with it. And if Voldemort wanted to dance with me, then why did he try to kill me on that night then?".

"He killed your mother because James told her about the mole on Voldemort's backside. Killed most of the people at the ballroom aswell, with the exception of our professors and caretaker." said Dumbledore.

"And what about me? I was only a year old. I wouldn't even know what a mole was so why would he want to kill me?" said Harry.

"No idea. Changed his mind obviously"

Harry couldn't believe he was hearing this. He came up with a numbered list in his head so he could make sense of it:

Dumbledore danced with Voldemort Voldemort danced with Dumbledore Dumbledore slept with Voldemort Voldemort slept with Dumbledore Dumbledore cheated on Voldemort with dad Voldemort had an enormous hairy mole on his left buttock It was called Moley Voldemort killed dad because of jealously Voldemort killed mum because she knew about Moley Voldemort wants to dance with me?!!!!!!!!! 

Harry still couldn't make sense of it. He was sure he had gone mad. 

"Harry, I'm sure tonight has been very difficult for you. Please, return to your common room" said Dumbledore.

"Aren't you going to expel me for what I did earlier?" asked Harry.

"Of course not!! Glad you did it Harry! I did enjoy myself with the beard attention. And Professor McGonnagol loved her "encounter" with Elvis. It was merely Professor Snape's idea that you come to me tonight. I won't punish you Harry."

"I think I've been punished enough. Shall I go straight to the dormitory? only, Snape wanted to see me" said Harry.

"Proceed to your dormitory. I shall take good "care" of Professor Snape" said Dumbledore.

Harry turned and left.

*********************************************************************

By the time Harry reached his dormitory, everyone (including Ron and Hermione) had gone to bed. He was a little pissed that they hadn't waited for him. Then again, it was nearly midnight. 

Harry plonked himself on a chair near the fire. His head was spinning. Why had no one told him about this?.

Suddenly, there was a noise coming from the fireplace. Harry looked up and saw a very familiar disturbing scene.

Sirius' member was now sitting in the fireplace. Poodle ring intact. Harry sighed. As if things couldn't get any worse. He now had to talk to Sirius' penis. It would be so much better seeing his face instead. 

"Hi Harry, How's things? Have you missed my poodle? I've given it a little kennel to live in. Look, isn't it adorable? my brotwurst is ten times more interesting to look at now" said Sirius proudly.

Harry put his head in his hands and groaned.

Suddenly, a magnifying glass appeared in the fire next to Sirius' member. Arthur Weasley's hand appeared.

"ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's astounding. It's fabulous! It's fantastic! I keep persuading Molly to let me have one!! She won't let me though. Says she doesn't like the idea of a poodle living on my privates. oh but it's marvellous!!!"

"I'm going to bed" said Harry. 

"ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh let me touch it Sirius, let me see it!!!!!!!!! muggle piercings, ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh excellent! Superb!!!!! I've never seen anything like it. Genius muggles. MOLLY, MOLLY COME AND LOOK!!!!!!! 

"Goodnight" said Harry, dragging himself up the stairs to bed. 

He wouldn't tell Hermione or Ron about Dumbledore just yet. All he knew was that he had some serious dancing to practice………………………. 

__


	8. Draco's big gift

Disclaimer: Own Nothing. Thanks very much for the reviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

CHAPTER EIGHT

Harry woke with a throbbing headache. He sat up. It was still dark outside. He looked over at Ron's bed. Ron, at this particular moment was rolling over in his sleep, muttering something along the lines of "oooohhhh Sybil, what a nice pair of crystal balls you have". Harry groaned. He tried to avoid thinking about what had happened earlier on. He thought about how good he was at dancing. Not very good. In fact, he was crap. He decided to go for a stroll to clear his head. He threw his invisibility cloak over his head and headed towards the common room. Thankfully, Sirius had decided to remove his member and his "poodle" from the fireplace. 

Harry made his way out into the corridor and started his stroll. He thought about the revenge that he had got on the Slytherin's. His mind immediately went to Marcus Flint. He had looked so ravishing as Elvis. His arse had looked ten times more tight in those white flares. Harry would have to pay him a visit soon. But he didn't want to risk getting caught in the Slytherin common room again. 

Suddenly, he heard a noise. It seemed to be coming from one of the classroom. Harry decided to investigate. He opened the door. Who the hell could it be at this time of night? Harry found that out as soon as he walked in. Right there, on the middle of the desk, was Sybil Trelawney, covered in chocolate body paint. And right there, licking it off, was Professor Flitwick. Harry gasped. Trelawney was obviously enjoying herself. Her shrieks were worse than a banshee's. 

"ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Flllliiiiiiiittttttwwwwiicccckk!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss!!!!!!!!!"

Harry made his way back out the classroom. He felt sick. He didn't even want to think what Ron would do to Flitwick if he found out. 

He decided to pay the Slytherin common room a visit anyway. He needed something to take his mind off what he had just seen. He reached the familiar portrait of the naked Snape and removed his invisibilty cloak.

"Password?" said naked Snape.

"Pokemon" said Harry.

"Nope. Can't let you pass! The password has been changed. Ha ha ha ha" chuckled naked Snape.

"Please. Just let me in ok?" said Harry.

"No can do. No password, no pass. You'll just have to take a lucky guess."

Harry thought.Then it hit him.

"Red latex" he said with a grin on his face.

"Nope" said naked Snape.

"Er….Playgirl?"

"Nope"

"Spandex?"

"Nope"

"Charlie's Angels?"

"Nope"

"Oh for god's sake!" said Harry. "How the hell am I supposed to know what the bloody password is? Why did you change it anyway, you stupid naked fool?"

"Keep guessing. Stupid stupid Potter la la la." sung naked Snape.

"Fat arsehole" muttered Harry.

The portrait door swung open. Harry frowned. The password was "fat arsehole?" Someone had a seriously sick mind. He threw his invisibilty cloak over him and made his way up to Marcus, grinning. Harry knew Marcus would forgive him for turning him into Elvis. Especially when he found out what Harry had in store for him. He opened the door quietly and tiptoed into the dormitory. He turned around to face Marcus' bed when he froze. He couldn't believe his eyes.

There on the bed infront of him, was none other than his best friend Ron Weasley, and Marcus Flint. Flint was currently biting Ron's arse with his overlarged front teeth.

Harry was furious. 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" he yelled.

His yelling caused the whole dormitory to stir and Ron to fall off the bed, Flint's teeth still in arse and all.

"mmmmmPotter?hhmmmm" muttered Flint, who was experiencing extreme difficulty talking. 

"H….Harry….er…hi, wanna join?" said Ron nervously.

"YOU DISGUSTING GINGER HAIRED PERVERT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH FLINT?. HE'S MINE!!!!" yelled Harry.

"YOUR'S? excuse me, you don't own him you know" said Ron, looking flustered.

"hhhmmmfffnnnmmm" said Flint.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE HIS TEETH DOING IN YOUR ARSE? YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE GOING OUT WITH TRELAWNEY FOR GOD'S SAKE!" shouted Harry.

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her. It's fine. I'm not going to tell her" said Ron.

"Oh yeah, well just to inform you, she's cheating on you with Flitwick" said Harry.

"WHAT! I'LL KILL HER! THE LITTLE BITCH!" yelled Ron.

"WELL YOUR'E DOING THE SAME! WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF SHE IS?"

"Hmmmmmmffffffffhhhhhhh" said Flint.

"Since when did you take such a liking to having a Slytherin bite your arse? You always slagged me off for doin' it Ron, so what made you decide that you wanted it?" said Harry.

"Must have been the Elvis transformation" shrugged Ron.

"hhhmmmmmmmmffff" said Flint.

"Well?" said Harry. "Are you going to remove his teeth from your arse or are you just going to stand there? It's my turn with him now". 

"No way! I bagged him first tonight, go find your own Slytherin!" said Ron.

"Fuck off. I found him first" spat Harry.

"Yeah well sorry, he's mine". 

"Fine. you'll pay for this Ron". Harry turned and stormed out. He ran down the staircase - straight into Snape.

"POTTER! WHAT ARE YOU-"

"OH SHUT UP YOU GREASY HAIRED TWAT!" yelled Harry.

"Language Potter. Now kindly explain to me what you are doing at this very moment in time".

"I'm standing at the bottom of the staircase waiting for you to get he fuck out of my way" said Harry.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? I TOLD YOU TO KEEP AWAY!!! AND I DO NOT WANT YOU IN HERE AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO MY STUDENTS YESTERDAY!!! NOW GET OUT!!!!!!"

"I'll go where I bloody well like!" said Harry.

"Well if you ARE planning to stay Potter, then you can at least help me find my copy of Playgirl. I need it for my session with Flitwick". said Snape.

"Well you might not get your session with Flitwick, because he's probably still working his way through Trelawney's love handles with chocolate spread.".

Snape turned purple. "This better be the last time I catch you in here Potter" With that, Snape turned and left the room.

Harry smirked. He knew exactly where Snape was going (to find comfort in Filch). 

Harry was just about to leave the common room when he was grabbed from behind and slammed against a wall. Harry gulped. He found himself staring into a pair of familiar grey eyes. Draco Malfoy. 

"Potter" growled Draco. "How SURPRISING to find you in here. And now, payback time."

Harry gulped again. 

"Just exactly what did you think you were doing yesterday?" said Draco.

"Getting my revenge" said Harry.

"Revenge. That's what you call it, is it?" 

"Yes"

"Tell me Potter, did you honestly think you were going to get away with it?"

"I was pretty sure I would, yes"

"Well, now you're here, why don't I give you a present for humiliating me infront of the whole school?"

"Er…no thanks, I don't want anything from you Malfoy, get your fucking hands off me" snarled Harry.

"Oh, I'll get my hands off you Potter. In fact, I think there's someone else in here who would very much like to have their hands on you, if you know what I mean".

"What the hell are you talking about Malfoy?"

"But first, I want you to apologise to me" said Draco, pushing Harry further up against the wall.

"Fuck off, you ferret"

"Sorry Potter, wrong words, now, APOLOGISE to me"

"No"

"APOLOGISE" said Draco, pushing Harry right up against the wall.

Harry gulped. Shit! was he actually getting turned on by Malfoy pushing him against the wall? 

"I'm waiting Potter, and your PRESENT is getting impatient aswell" 

"What the hell is my PRESENT anyway Malfoy?" said Harry, fighting the urge to jump on Draco and snog him. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Apologise to me first" 

Harry sighed. He couldn't believe he was doing this. "hhmummmsorryhhh" he mumbled.

"Sorry, what was that Potter?"

"Sorry"

"What was that?"

"So-rr--yy ok?"

"What was that?"

"IM SORRY!!! SORRY SORRY SORRY!!! SORRY FOR HUMILIATING YOU, OK?"

"That's better. now Potter. Your present"

Much to Harry's disappointment, Draco released him. 

Draco smirked at Harry. Harry gulped. Again. 

"As you know Potter, you made the whole of Slytherin look completely stupid yesterday. Not a good idea. But there is one particular Slytherin who is VERY willing to forgive you."

Draco pointed a finger towards the top of the staircase leading to the girl's dormitories. 

"Potter, may I proudly present, your PRESENT for the evening. Let's just say it's our way of repaying you for making us look stupid."

Harry glanced up. And immediately felt sick. Standing there, at the top of the staircase was none other than a very large, very lustful looking, bikini claded Millicent Bulstrode. 

"You see Potter, our Millicent here, has had a LITTLE crush on you for quite some time. And we thought it would only be fair if we let her spend the rest of the night with you. She wasn't too delighted at the explosive diarrhoea that your.. er..POTION gave her, but she decided to forgive you. She's all your's Potter. Enjoy!"

Harry panicked. As if the night hadn't turned out bad enough, he now had to spend it with something that looked identical to a killer whale. He'd rather have sex with Dudley!!!!

Millicent came tottering down the stairs. Belly bouncing and all and smacking her lips.

Then she picked Harry up and slung him over her shoulder and started to head back up to the girl's dormitories.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" shouted Harry, as he bounced over Millicent's shoulder.

"HELP, GOD HELP ME, I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS MALFOY, JUST YOU WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Draco was now laughing his head off.

"Nighty night Potter, have fun!"

*********************************************************************

"Harry, are you ok?" said Hermione waving her hand infront of his face.

Harry, after his encounter with Millicent, had not spoken all morning. He felt sick. 

"Harry, come on, you can talk to me or Ron about it if there's something bothering you, you know"

"uuummmfffhhh" said Harry. 

Hermione sighed. "Suit yourself"

Harry stared hard at the Slytherin table. Millicent was currently sporting a massive grin and was deep in conversation with Pansy Parkinson. And from the looks of it, she was recalling the events of the night before in great detail. Harry caught Draco's eyes. Draco smirked and gave him the thumbs up. 

Soon, the Great Hall started to empty. As soon as Draco left the hall, Harry left aswell. They had Herbology this morning, but Harry didn't care if he was late. As soon as he caught up with Draco, he grabbed him whilst no one was looking and dragged him into an empty classroom. 

Now it was Harry's turn to shove Draco into the wall.

"You.Bastard" he said.

"Enjoy your night Potter? Did she satisfy you?"

"I SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT TIED TO THAT WHALE'S BED WHILST SHE SPREAD PEANUT BUTTER ALL OVER MY BOLLOCKS!!!" shouted Harry.

"Hmmmm peanut butter. Doesn't sound too bad Potter"

"I DON'T FUCKING LIKE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!" 

"You deserved it Potter, you-"

Draco was immediately cut off by loud noise coming from the next classroom.

It sounded remarkably like Professore Snape.

"ooooohhhhhh Fiiillllccchhhyyyyy!!!!!! yyyesssssssssss!!!!! spank my arse with that mop spank it, right on there Filllchhhyyy!!!! 

The noises were also followed by a series of loud mmmmeeeeeeooooowwwwsssss and "Right on there kitty cat, oooohhhh what a lovely bushy tail you have"

"Your Head of house is sick, you know that?" said Harry to a very confused Draco. "Then again, I think I'd rather be shagged by a cat than have a bunch of Slytherins as my students"

It was once again Draco's turn to shove Harry against the wall.

"Watch your mouth Potter".

Harry gulped. There it was again. That bloody turned on feeling.

"Fuck off Malfoy"

"Last night was a warning Potter, you mess with us again, and I'll set Millicent onto you again. And next time I'll make sure she has you for two nights instead of one."

"Piss off you pureblooded shithead" spat Harry "Put it this way Malfoy, I'd rather sleep with Bullstrode than have you anywhere near me". 

That certainly wasn't true. Judging from Harry's growing crotch.

"Is that so Potter? Then please explain to me what it is I can fell digging into my leg?"

"Er…..my wand" said Harry.

"My, what a big wand you have"

Harry gulped. 

"Trouble is Potter, I don't think I've paid you back quite enough yet. I mean you did humiliate the WHOLE of Slytherin house".

Draco reached inside his robe and pulled out a selection of dentist's equipment.

"Wh…..where'd did you get that?" asked Harry nervously.

"A gift, from Flint's father" smirked Draco.

"Wha….What are you going to do with it?"

"Don't worry Potter, I'm sure you'll enjoy it" said Draco, pulling down Harry's trousers.

Twenty minutes later, Harry came out of the classroom cross eyed and looking like he'd had a lot of dental instruments stuck where the sun doesn't shine.

Draco smirked. 

"Hope you enjoyed it Potter, gets you back for when you stuck my broom up my arse!"

Harry groaned, and looked up to see Millicent, blowing kisses at him further up the corridor. 

For the first time ever, he actually felt the need to seek some comfort in Sirius' member (or poodle)…………………


	9. Lockhart's Return

Disclaimer: Own nothing unfortunately.

CHAPTER 9

The atmosphere was certainly tense at the Griffindor table the next morning. Hermione was seated between Harry and Ron, who were clearly not speaking to each other after last night's events. Harry was furious with Ron for frolicking with Flint and Ron was angry at Harry for interrupting his and Flint's frolicking. Hermione, however, was disgusted that either of them could look at Flint in that way. 

"You can't go on like this forever, you two" said Hermione. 

"He knew Flint was mine. He had Trelawney to mess around with" said Harry.

"Yeah, I did, until I found out she was screwing Flitwick" said Ron.

"I bet Flitwick satisfied her ten times more than you did" Harry snarled.

"What the hell would you know? At least I've screwed someone!"

"Oh for gods sake, shut up both of you!" said Hermione.

"Well, well, well, what's this? trio's tiff?" came the usual drawl of Draco Malfoy, who happened to be passing their table.

"What's the matter Pothead? Jealous that Weasel stole your Slytherin? Still, I'm not surprised, Weasel wouldn't be able to afford his own, would he?

"Piss off Malfoy" said Harry, who was still annoyed at the dentist equipment incident. 

"Did Flint pay you Weasel? or did you offer it to him free of charge? Maybe you could screw Granger here. She could pay you extra for the second it takes to notice the difference between her pubes and her head hair" sneered Malfoy.  

Ron, Harry and Hermione were up, wands at the ready.

"You better get lost Malfoy, or I'll hex you into next week" said Harry.

"Now, now Potter, you wouldn't want to humiliate me again would you?"

"And what is going on here?" came the deep (and always) seductive voice of Snape.

"Potter was threatening me Sir" said Malfoy.

"Potter! 200 points from Griffindor!"

"But Sir-" said Hermione.

"300 points from Griffindor!"

"We haven't got any bloody points left!" said Ron.

"Detention Weasley. eight o' clock, my private room. You will be helping me write my love letters to our lovely caretaker".

Snape turned, and made his way to the staff table.

Malfoy gave a satisfied smirk and started walking towards the Slytherin table, leaving three angry Griffindors behind. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ron felt sick as he scratched his quill on the parchment to complete Snape's 60th love letter to Filch. 

_This is disgusting, _He thought. He signed off the letter.

_Dear Filchy Wilchy,_

_I feel our love has grown. You are my lover, my caretaker. Your eyes are so mysterious and I love the way your hair hangs down. But I feel we are also drifting apart. I feel as though you spend far too much time with Mrs Norris. I mean, she is attractive and stuff, don't get me wrong. But must she always accompany you for our sessions? she's after you, I can see it in her eyes. How about some quality time in the broom cupboard?_

_all__ my love, Severus._

_Kissy__, Kissy, mmmmwwwwaahhh.___

"WEASLEY!" roared Snape. "There are not enough hearts on this letter! You will not leave this room until you have completely covered it!"

Ron scowled. The letter was already plastered with hearts and kisses. 

After an eternity, Snape let Ron go. Snape had gone to find Flitwick for his evening Session when he had bumped into Crabbe, who was still bubbling with lust for the Potions master. 

"Away with you, you silly imbecile!" shouted Snape, desperately trying to keep his trousers intact. 

"Away, Away! Away you silly boy! aaaarrrggghhh!" screamed Snape. Crabbe dragged Snape into an empty classroom.

Ron saw the disturbing scene and scarpered to the Griffindor common room. However, when he got there, what he saw was ten times more disturbing than the Snape scene. 

Sitting there by the fireplace, was Harry, shaking his head. He looked up and saw Ron, and his face turned into a look of horror. Ron was confused, until he glanced at the fireplace. There, in the fire, as clear as ever, were two male's private parts.

"What the bloody hell-" 

"Er Ron, it's not what it looks like" said Harry.

"Hello Ron! Good to hear from you!" came a familiar voice.

"S..Sirius? is that you?" said Ron, nervously.

"Yep!" 

"Hello son!" came another all too familiar voice.

"D….Dad? What are you……" Ron's voice trailed off. 

"Like my piercing Ron?" said Sirius excitedly. "Harry's seen it, haven't you Harry? Isn't it adorable? my little poodle"

Ron tried desperately to avoid the poodle, only to find himself staring at the other member, which could only be his dad's. 

"How do you like my new piercing son? It took a lot of persuading from Sirius, but your mother finally agreed to let me have one! Isn't it fascinating? I feel like a right muggle now! Hooray! I can't wait to show it off to the ministry!"

Mr Weasley's piercing was a ring with a tiny Ford Anglia attached to it. 

Ron looked horrified. He'd just spent an entire evening writing sick love letters to the caretaker, and now here he was, watching a minute Ford Anglia swinging backwards and forwards. 

"And look!" said Sirius "I had my nipple done too!"

A nipple appeared sporting a ring with a Hippogriff attached to it.

"All for Buckbeak!" said Sirius exitedly. 

Ron and Harry were already halfway up the dormitory stairs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What's first?" said Harry, next morning in the common room.

"Defence against the Dark Arts" said Hermione.

"So they've finally found a teacher then? said Ron.

"Er….Yes" said Hermione.

"Well, who is it?" 

"Er guys, you won't like this……"

"Oh come on Hermione, it can't be that bad. Who is it?" said Ron.

"Gilderoy Lockhart"

"WHAT! NO BLOODY WAY!" Shouted Ron "I'M NOT HAVING ANY LESSONS WITH THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A WIZARD!" 

"Oh come on Ron! He wasn't that bad!" said Hermione.

"HE'S THICK!" 

"No he's not!" 

"Maybe we should just go check the lesson out, though I strongly agree with Ron" said Harry. 

The three made their way to the DADA Classroom. The class was settled, awaiting the arrival of their Professor.

Suddenly, a few people gasped. Harry rolled his eyes and Ron looked plain disgusted. Entering the classroom, was none other than Gilderoy Lockhart. He was wearing bright multi-coloured robes, and had his hair permed. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen" said Lockhart. "I am your new….new…er….what am i? this is an odd place. Who are you people? are you here for the sermon?"

Hermione raised her hand.

"Please Professor, you are here to teach us Defence Against the Dark Arts" 

"Ah yes…I remember now. Thank you miss..er..miss.."

"Granger"

"Yes. Thank you Miss Grant. I must say, I've never seen anything like this place before!"

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, Miss Grunt?"

"Please Professor, my surname is Granger. You have been here before. You taught us this before"

"Really? how extraordinary, I must say, I don't remember that! So anyway, what was I going to do? Oh yes. I am going to introduce you to a new creature today! Should be fun!"

"Yeah" muttered Ron "He's probably got a horde of Cornish Pixies or something. Bloody idiot".

Lockhart pulled out a large cage from under the table. Inside it was a blob the size of a football. 

"This is a…..erm…a…can anyone tell me exactly what this thing is?"

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes miss Gretal?"

"It is pleasure gloop, Professor"

"Is it really? and what does it do, miss Grunge?"

"When a person stands infront of the gloop, it will take the shape and form of whoever that person desires, Sir"

"Excellent, yes. I remember now" said Lockhart.

"If that person gets too drawn to the gloop, it will attempt to bite the person's backside" said Hermione, slightly embarrassed.

"And do you know the….er…way to prevent this?" said Lockhart.

"Yes Sir, you have to picture the person that you desire to be ugly. It is similar to that of a Boggart. You have to produce a Patronus in order to dispose of the gloop. You imagine the desired person to be ugly, point your wand at them and say, "Ugly Bastardus" 

"Yes. That sounds about right" said Lockhart. "Now, let's practice shall we? All form a line! and take your turn with the gloop! I shall finish it off once you have all had your turn"

The class formed a line in front of the gloop's cage. Lockhart released it and it slithered onto the table. 

The first person in line was Neville Longbottom. As soon as Neville approached the blob, it immediately started to take the shape of the person he would most like to share a bed with.

"What the-?" said Ron.

The blob began to take the shape of Neville's toad, Trevor

The toad began to advance on Neville. Neville squeezed his face in concentration, obviously trying to picture an ugly Trevor.

"Ugly Bastardus!" shouted Neville. The toad began to grow just a few more warts. It began to fade. Next up was Seamus Finnigan. The blob began to take the form of a leprechaun. 

"Ugly Bastardus!" shouted Seamus. 

Then there was the next person. Dean Thomas. There were gasps of surprise as the blob took the form of Seamus. Seamus was horrified. 

Lavender Brown's blob took the form of George Weasley.

Ron looked Horrified.

Pavarti's blob took the form of Fred Weasley.

Again, Ron looked horrified.

Then it was Ron's turn. The blob began to take the form of Professor Trelawney.

"As if you need to do any Patronus to make _that _ugly" muttered Harry.   

Next up was Hermione. 

Ron made a loud tutting noise. "It'll probably take the form of Victor Krum. Or should I say _Vicky" muttered Ron._

The blob began to take the form of…………..

several gasps could be heard. Harry couldn't believe his eyes. Ron looked ill.

The blob had taken the form of Albus Dumbledore.

"THIS HAS GOT TO BE A JOKE!" shouted Ron. "THAT MAN IS OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR GREAT GREAT GRANDAD!"

Hermione ignored him.

"Ugly Bastardus!" shouted Hermione.

Next up Harry. He felt sick. Ron knew that any minute now, the blob would transform into Marcus Flint. It was Obvious.

Harry stood in front of the blob. A very familiar shape began to form. Hermione's eyes widened and a few Griffindor's started muttering.

The blob had turned into Draco Malfoy.

Ron fainted.

Harry gulped and stepped forward.

"U…UG…UGLY BASTARDUS!" he bellowed.

There were quite a few people left to go. Hermione avoided Harry's gaze. Lockhart was the last to go.

Lockhart approached the blob and it began to take the shape of Lockhart himself.

_No change there then. _Thought Harry.  

Lockhart pointed his wand at the blob and just stood there.

"er……er….bast…ugly" said Lockhart. 

The blob immediately attached itself to Lockhart's arse. 

"aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh it's attacking me! it'll ruin my robes! save my poor defenseless buttocks!!!! screamed Lockhart. Hermione made a dash forward, but as she got nearer the blob turned back into Dumbledore, teeth still in Lockhart's arse. Neville rushed forward to help and Trevor reappeared, clinging to Lockhart's backside. Dean rushed forward and the blob once again turned into Seamus.

"GET AWAY FROM IT!" yelled Seamus, disgusted. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE MYSELF ATTACHED TO HIS ARSE!" 

"Oh my goodness!" screamed Lavender, tripping over Ron, who was still sprawled out on the ground. 

Harry made no attempt to even go near Lockhart. He was still confused by the whole Malfoy situation. 

Finally, ten minutes later, Hermione managed to dispose of the gloop. 

Ron still hadn't woken up. He had apparently slipped into some sort of coma. 

Hermione cornered Harry after lesson. 

"What was that all about Harry? why Malfoy?"

Harry wasn't listening. His scar had just begun to burn really badly. He dropped to the floor, clutching his head…………..


	10. The search for the moley grail

Thank you to all those who have reviewed so far.

Disclaimer – We do not own Moleymort or his bitches, nor do we own Moleymorts caravan, nor do we want to own anything in skegness.

Moleymort huffed in frustration and crossed his arms. He was not a happy Moley.

After his uprising he started looking for a new place. The Riddle Manor was far too exposed and besides, it was cramping his style. After endless searching for the ideal place, the great and powerful Moleymort settled for a 1960's caravan in Skegness. On one side it had a big, pink peace sign and on the other it had the word FREEDOM spray painted across it in sky blue. Moleymort could see himself being the envy of all that is hip.

Eventually, Moleymort (after much sulking and pouting) heaved himself up and decided to go for a paddle in the sea. He was about to open the caravan door when he heard a muffled moaning coming from the second bedroom (which happened to be roughly the size of a small matchbox).

Moleymort leaned in to get better sound and could discern "ooh yes you naughty girl, for that dirty little trick you're not allowed to wash the dishes". Moleymort recognised the voice and the dirty mind, it was Peter Pettigrew (or to his 'friends', Wormdick). 

This was the tip of the iceberg for Moleymort's bad day, first Lucius hogging the bathroom then the ice cream man running out of Twisters and now one of his faithful bitches shagging some cheap tart.

"Worm dick, what the hell are you doing in there?" shouted Moleymort using his most menacing squeak.

"Erm nothing your lordship, just making my bed" came the reply.

Moleymort ignored this and barged into the room. He saw Wormdick, butt naked, huddled on his bed desperately trying to hide something under his quilt. On closer inspection it was not a cheap tart but a green, inflatable doll with the name 'Winky' written across its chest.

Moleymort stormed out and slammed the door behind him in pure disgust that the inflatable doll did not have a single mole. Now he was really depressed. He stormed up to his stereo making the caravan shake and put on his Billie Piper album. Eventually, after listening to 'Because we want to' for the third time, he relaxed and opened a bottle of Smirnoff ice.

(5 minutes and half a bottle later)

"What a shower of barstards. Dump me! DUMP ME" screamed an extremely intoxicated Moleymort as he tipped over the sofa. "That ssssshite, I'll show 'im".

Moley grabbed the half full bottle and threw it at the wall of the caravan where it ricocheted off and hit him in the middle of the forehead. Moley swayed for a few minutes, had enough time to mutter, "ah fek" then passed out. 

Lucius Malfoy chose this moment to squeeze himself into the caravan. He was very flushed and shaking slightly. He looked down at the dishevelled form of his so-called all-powerful master who it appeared was once again drunk and muttering in his sleep.

"Oh Albus what a large mole you have you sssssssexy fucker, I'd like to take you home and ssssshshsshhs I wanted a Twister but Betty wanted a tea party bbbbllllmm…. Come on yer bastard and fight…… I'll tek ya any day ha ha it's got a tail ha ha ha", Moley looked up, for a minute he could have swore he heard the sound of someone screaming, he shrugged his shoulders and returned to his slumber.  

Lucius decided to leave before Moleymort before he came around and decided to once again latch onto his tender nipple. He made his way to his bedroom and opened the door  hearing "sssalwight, I'll stwoke yer beard" coming from behind him. He snuck into his bedroom and collapsed onto the bed with a small smile on his face. No one knew, but Lucius has had a huge crush on Arthur ever since they were at school together. He nearly lost it at the ministry when Arthur decided to show everyone his new edition of muggle crap. Seeing that little Ford Anglia nearly sent him over the edge. Lucius had quite innocently, not to mention subtley, asked to have a closer look six times insisting that he just couldn't see it properly. Eventually the minister got word of this and marched up to Arthur Weasley and told him his trousers could only remain around his ankles if he followed him into his office. Arthur gratefully declined (he's not called Minister fudge-packer for nothing) and pulled up his trousers. Lucius, enraged by his precious Ford Anglia being hidden away from him, whipped his wand out of his staff and screamed, "you lost me my hard on". He advanced upon the minister and was halfway through saying "Aveda" when Gollum ran up to him, bit his knee cap screaming "you shall not hurt the preciousssss". 

Lucius sighed to himself, why couldn't Arthur have joined the search for 'the moley grail' then maybe he would be biting Ford Anglias instead of crusty moles.

Lucius was driven from his thoughts by a voice in the next room saying "ooh I love it when you talk vacuum cleaners, say my name you saucy little minx". Urgh, Wormdick was once again entertaining his inflatable elf.

Lucius turned over and was about to go to sleep and dream about his ginger baby when a voice coming from the main room squeaked "Lucius a certain mole wants servicing". Lucius rolled his eyes and stood up, this was not gonna be pretty.     

A/N

R/R. Please send us some flames, we haven't had any of those yet. Ah come on! This story's rubbish.


	11. The 'Members only' club

Disclaimer: I'm sure you realise by now that we own nothing. 

CHAPTER 11

A few days had passed since Harry's scar had caused him pain. He knew that somewhere out there, The Dark Lord was either enjoying himself (probably having some sordid sex game with his Death Eaters) or he was seriously pissed off.

"It doesn't matter Hermione" said Harry through gritted teeth at breakfast. "Just forget it happened"

"But Harry, your scar! You must tell someone! Please Harry, tell someone, you've _got _to, you _have to. Go to Dumbledore. He'll know what to do. He-"_

"HERMIONE WILL YOU SHUT UP!" shouted Harry.

Hermione fell silent and started twiddling her thumbs and whistling. 

_"_We could always…er…drop by….you know…to Dumbledore's office"

"NO!"

"But Harry, you _have _to say something!" 

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Harry got up and stormed out of the great hall, leaving Hermione sitting there with a half eaten bacon roll. 

It was Saturday today, and Harry decided to visit Hagrid on his own. He didn't want Hermione pissing him off anymore and it was no good Ron joining him. Ever since the Pleasure Gloop had turned into Malfoy, Ron had been in a coma. Harry was confused. Why Malfoy? Why not someone else? Why not Flint for that matter.

_Bloody Malfoy _thought Harry.

Suddenly Harry heard someone running behind him. He turned round and saw Colin Creevey coming towards him. _Great. All I need  Thought Harry_. A sodding Creevey brother.__

"Hi Harry! Where you going? Can I join you?"

"I'm going for a walk, Colin. And no, I don't really want you to join me so bugger off"

"Aww come on Harry! Did you borrow Hermione's panties Harry? Did you? Did you?"

"Yes Colin, for your information, I am wearing Hermione's panties. Now bugger off"

"Ooohhh is it that nice silky pair that she always wears? Have you borrowed them Harry?   Have you?"

"No, it's the pair that Hagrid got her for her birthday this year"

"Oooohhh you mean the see through pair?"

"Yes, Colin. The see through- aaaaaaarrrggghhh!!!!"

Colin had taken the opportunity to drag Harry into a nearby bush. 

"Arrrggghhh Colin! Nooooo!!!!"

"Smile Harry, Smile!" Colin immediately started to pull Harry's trousers down in attempt to take a picture with his trusty camera. 

Harry reached inside his robes for his wand. 

_"Petrificus Totallus_" he yelled. Colin immediately became stiff as a board and fell to the ground. 

Harry stepped over the stiff Colin and made his way towards Hagrids hut. He could see Hagrid in the distance, desperately pulling on Fangs lead. 

It looked as though Fang had become very interested in some Flobberworms. 

"Er…. Hi Hagrid…what you up to?" said Harry, approaching the scene cautiously.

"Alrigh' Arry? jus' tryin teh get Fang away from these ruddy Flobberworms"

"Oh…er..right. What happened to the Skrewts?" 

"Still tryin' teh sort the ruddy things out. Still can't get the ruddy things teh mate with each other"

Hagrid managed to drag Fang away and shut him inside the hut. 

"Now Arry, since yeh here, I thought yeh could observe the Skrewts behaviour" said Hagrid, looking very pleased. 

Harry began to regret his visit.

"Er…it's ok Hagrid. I've just remembered….i've got some..er…homework".

"Nonsense!" boomed Hagrid. "This'll do yeh good. Be good for yeh care of magical creatures project tha' I'm goin' teh set!"

"Oh..What's that?" said Harry, not really wanting to know.

"The reproduction of Blast Ended Skrewts!" said Hagrid happily. "Yeh goin' teh study their behaviour durin' mating season, then produce a report"

Hagrid disappeared round the back of the hut.

Harry groaned. He was sure Care Of Magical Creatures would be far from fun this year (including the fact that it was with the Slytherins again)

Great. Now they had to study the sex life of a Blast Ended Skrewt. Bet Malfoy would love that. 

_Malfoy? Why the hell am I thinking of him? _thought Harry. 

Hagrid appeared carrying a large tank containing the Skrewts. He set the tank down infront of Harry. 

"Er..Hagrid…maybe I should wait until the actual class on Monday".

"Suits me fine Arry! I wanna clean this tank out ready for yeh lesson anyway. If I could just get the ruddy things teh mate!"

"Er…yeah…bye Hagrid. See you Monday"

Harry certainly wasn't looking forward to Monday. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On Sunday, Ron finally emerged from the Hospital Wing. He had immediately raced into the common room and grabbed Harry by the collar.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?"

"Wha…what?" stammered Harry.

"DON'T PLAY DUMB! I SAW THAT GLOOP TURN INTO MALFOY! DON'T TELL ME YOU FANCY THAT FILTHY FERRET!"

"I don't fancy that filthy ferret" said Harry in what he hoped was an honest voice.

"Good" said Ron. "Malfoy must have bewitched it or something".

"Bewitched what?" said Hermione.

"The Gloop"

"Oh Ron, don't be such a prat. How could Malfoy have bewitched it? he wasn't even in our defence against the dark arts class" said Hermione.

"Then it probably had something to do with that brainless git Lockhart" said Ron.

"He is not brainless" said Hermione through gritted teeth. "Anyway we've got more important things to think about, like Harry's scar"

Hermione explained the scar situation to Ron.

"Honestly Hermione, are you ever going to let it drop?" said Harry. "Besides, it doesn't matter now, I wrote to Sirius after I got back from Hagrids".

No sooner had Harry said this, Hedwig appeared, tapping at the window.  Crookshanks, who was currently resting on Hermione's lap, immediately shot up and bolted towards the window.

Harry made his way over and desperately tried to move Crookshanks, who had jumped up near the window, and was currently scratching it.

"Move out the way godammit!" said Harry irritably to Crookshanks. 

Harry opened the window and Hedwig fluttered in. 

Crookshanks went crazy.

"Mmmmmmeeeeeoooooooowwwwwww!!!"

"Hermione what the hell is wrong with your cat?" said Harry, trying desperately to shove Crookshanks way from Hedwig, who was hooting loudly.

"Oh, it's ok. Harry, he's been feeling a bit randy lately. He tried it on with Pigwidgeon the other day" said Hermione.

"WHAT! YOU MEAN YOUR CAT TRIED IT ON WITH MY OWL!" yelled Ron. 

Crookshanks then decided to move onto Ron. 

"URGH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BLOODY FILTHY FLEA INFESTED BLOODY PERVERTED BEAST!!" 

"Ron! Don't talk to him like that!" said Hermione, gathering Crookshanks up in her arms.   

"What does it say?" said Ron, as Harry tore the letter from Hedwig's beak. 

Harry opened the letter.

"It's from Sirius" he said.

_Dear Harry_

_Make sure the common room is empty at __midnight_. I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse! __

_Sirius (and Spot)_

"Spot?" said Ron, looking confused. "Who the bloody hell is Spot?"

"No idea" said Harry. 

"But what about your scar? Surely he's put something about that?!" said Hermione.

"That's all he's put" said Harry. 

"Guess we'll just have to wait then" said Ron.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The trio eagerly awaited Sirius' arrival at midnight. 

Suddenly, there was a noise coming from the fireplace and Sirius appeared, coughing and spluttering. 

He got up and brushed his robes. 

"Ha, hello you three!" said Sirius cheerfully.

"Hi Sirius" said Harry "So, you read my letter then didn't you? about my scar? What do you think I should-"

"Yes yes, I read it" said Sirius impatiently.

"And?" said Hermione, eagerly.

"And I thought I'd pay you a visit and tell you my latest idea" said Sirius happily.

"Wha…what's that Sirius" said Harry confused.

"My new club that I've started!" said Sirius.

"What club?" said Ron.

"My 'members only' club!"

"M…members only?" said Harry. He had the distinct feeling that Sirius was referring to male private parts. 

"Yes! but..er..Hermione won't be able be able to join, because she doesn't have a member, if you know what I mean!" said Sirius, nudging Harry with his elbow.

"What do you mean Sirius?" said Hermione, confused.

"Oh yes! I almost forgot! you haven't seen it yet have you Hermione?" said Sirius excitedly. 

"Seen what?"

"My precious poodle" 

"Sirius mate, trust me, I don't think Hermione would particularly want to see _your precious poodle_" said Ron.

"A poodle?" said Hermione. "Oh I _love poodles! where is it? did you bring it with you? may I see it?"_

"Er…maybe you should go back Sirius…it's late…we can discuss my scar another time" said Harry, desperately trying to get Sirius to change his mind.

Sirius had already dropped his trousers.

"Hermione, this is Spot! Spot, this is Hermione!" said Sirius happily.

Ron covered his eyes, dreading Hermione's reaction.

Harry felt sick.

"Ohhhhhhh Sirius! It's ADORABLE!" screeched Hermione. "Ohhhhhhh where did you get it done? may I touch him? oh, and a kennel too!"

Ron was disgusted at Hermione's reaction.

"Lupin did it, Hermione" said Harry, with his head in his hands. 

"Yes, thanks to Remus, my brotwurst is now my new best friend!" said Sirius proudly.

"It's wonderful!" said Hermione. "Godric Griffindor had a member piercing too. I read about it in _Hogwarts: a History"_

"Really?" said Sirius, fascinated. "What did he have?"

"A lion"

"So, boys" said Sirius. "What do you say?  Want to join my 'members only' club? You'll have to get your members pierced first though. Your dad's already joined Ron".

"WHAT?" Ron was outraged.

"Oh yes, I've written to Bill and Charlie too. Trying to get them to join. We can meet once a week and talk about our relationships with our members and any problems that we are having. What do you say?" said Sirius.

"I'd say you're mental" said Ron. 

Harry didn't speak. He was too busy fighting the mental image of Draco Malfoy showing off a member piercing of a dragon. He rubbed his eyes. He needed sleep.

"Anyway, think about it! well, best be off, Spot needs his rest!"  

"What about my scar?" said Harry.

"What about it?" said Sirius.

"Well, I told you in the letter about it burning" said Harry, feeling annoyed.

"Oh that. Oh, just put a bit of ice on it. It'll be fine!" said Sirius.

Sirius disappeared back into the fire place. 

"I'm going to bed" said Ron, looking very pissed off. He stormed off towards the dormitory.

"Oh, Spot was adorable wasn't he Harry. Harry?" Hermione glanced towards Harry, who was looking very confused.

"Harry, are you ok?"

"I er…..Yeah" said Harry, looking very worried.

"Harry, what's wrong, what's the matter? You can tell me" said Hermione, moving closer. 

"No, it doesn't matter"

"No, come on Harry, what's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Harry, tell me!" said Hermione, starting to feel annoyed.

"No"

"_Please!"_

"No"

"Forget you then!" Hermione got up and stomped towards the girls dormitories.

Harry stood up and before he knew what he was doing, blurted out something that he would instantly regret.

"I think I fancy Malfoy!"

Hermione turned round, her eyes wide in horror.


	12. Shagging with Skrewts

Disclaimer: We own NOTHING. 

CHAPTER 12

Harry lay awake that night feeling extremely pissed off. After his confession to Hermione about Malfoy, he was sure she would never speak to him again.

Suddenly a scream erupted from Ron's bed. Harry tore open the hangings on his bed, rushed over to Ron's bed and pulled open the hangings. Ron was thrashing around in his sleep. 

"Nooooooo!!! not the poodle! aaarrgghhh! it's biting me! noooo! get it away Sirius! my poor member!"

"Ron! RON WAKE UP!" shouted Harry, shaking Ron.

"Wha…what? aaarrrggghhh, poodle, POODLE!" shouted Ron, pointing at Harry.

"RON IT'S ME YOU IDIOT!"

"What's going on?" shouted Neville.

"Is he ok?" said Seamus, looking worried.

"A poodle?" said Dean Thomas, looking confused.

"Wha…what happened?" said Ron, looking around the room. "Where did it go?" 

"It's ok Ron, it was just a dream" said Harry.

"Phew" said Ron, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I thought I was a goner, that poodle is quite rough!"

Neville, Dean and Seamus exchanged confused looks.

"I am certainly not getting my member pierced!" said Ron.

"Member?" said Seamus.

"Pierced?" said Dean.

"Yes, my penis!" said Ron. "I'm not getting it pierced!"

"Good on you mate, that's …er…nice to know" said Dean.

"My Gran got her member pierced once" said Neville. "It was horrible"

"Your GRAN? But she's a WOMAN!" said Ron. 

"She's…er…a transsexual" said Neville.

Harry stuffed his fist in his mouth in a desperate attempt to stop himself laughing.

Ron looked horrified.

"We best..er…get some sleep" said Harry, suddenly thinking to tomorrows Care of Magical Creatures lesson.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry sat in the Great Hall the next morning desperately trying to make conversation with Hermione.

"What's up with her?" said Ron, as Hermione threw Harry a filthy look.

"Beats me" said Harry nervously. 

Hermione got up and left the Great Hall.

"Come on, lets follow" said Ron.

They followed Hermione up to the common room.

"Must you follow me EVERYWHERE?" said Hermione.

"Come on Herm, what's up?" said Harry.

"You know very well what's up" spat Hermione.

Ron looked at Harry. "Am I missing something?"

"Yeah, a brain" said Hermione. "Now leave me alone"

"Whoa, wait I haven't done anything wrong!" said Ron. "Look, I'm sorry I reacted badly to Sirius's member club but honestly Hermione, do you really expect me to stick pins in my penis just to keep Sirius and his 'poodle' happy?"

"It's not about THAT its about HIM!" said Hermione, pointing to Harry.

"What about him? What's up Harry?" said Ron.

"N…Nothing" said Harry, desperately wanting to hide the fact that he fancied Malfoy.

"Well until you tell him Harry, I'm not speaking to either of you!" said Hermione, stamping her foot. 

"We can't fall out!" said Ron. "Come on Hermione, you're our best friend!. We need you! I mean, who's going to do our homework for us now?"

"You're pathetic" said Hermione, and she stormed out of the common room.

"Rotten that is" said Ron. "Just as I was about to get her to do my bloody History of Magic essay. So, what's up Harry?"

"Oh it's nothing. We better get to Hagrids class" said Harry, hoping that Hagrid had failed to get the Skrewts to mate.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry and Ron set off down the stone steps towards Hagrids hut. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were walking upfront.

"Why the hell does this class have to be with the bloody Slytherin's?" said Ron.

Harry wasn't listening. He was too busy looking at Malfoy's arse and trying to convince himself that he didn't like it.

_Arrrrggghhhh _thought Harry. _I do not like his arse, I do not like his arse, I DO NOT like his arse, it's ugly, it's ugly, it's fat, it's fat, it's firm, NO! It is NOT firm! It's FAT FAT FAT! It's firm, it's very firm, it's a nice firm buttocks, nice FIRM buttocks._

"Nice firm buttocks" said Harry, thinking out loud.

"You what?" said Ron. "Who's got nice firm buttocks?"

"Er…no one" said Harry. 

"Come on Harry, who?" said Ron "You have to tell me now!"

Harry was desperately trying to think of someone to say to shut Ron up and said the first person that came into his head.

"Madame Maxime!" he said. Shit. Of all the people to say and she came out of his sodding mouth. Why didn't he say Flint? That would have been obvious. 

"Bloody hell mate, you must be desperate!" said Ron. "Her arse must be bigger than Aragog!"

"Yeah alright, forget it ok?" said Harry, feeling frustrated.

Ron sniggered.

They reached Hagrids hut. Hagrid was outside, looking cheerful.

"Alrigh' gather roun' gather roun'! said Hagrid. "Today we will be begin teh study the Skrewts behaviour. Yeh will be producing a report on how they behave durin' matin' season.

Both the Griffindors and the Slytherins looked disgusted at this.

"Now, yeh will be workin' in pairs for this report an' yeh will have teh work with people from the other house. Sorry bou' tha' but Dumbledore thinks it would be good for yeh. Gives yeh a chance to be civil to one another"

Ron gave a snort. Harry gulped. Surely Hagrid wouldn't put him with Malfoy? He couldn't cope with the thought of having to resist the urge to grab Malfoy's arse through the whole lesson.

Five minutes later, Harry was standing next to Malfoy looking very pissed off. Ron threw a disgusted look at his partner (Crabbe) who currently had his finger up his nose. Goyle stood next to his partner (a very nervous looking Neville Longbottom) whilst scratching his arse. Hermione looked ready to kill (She was paired up with Pansy Parkinson, who was chucking pieces of twig at Hermione's hair and muttering something about a birds nest).

"Now, first each pair will pick two Skrewts from each box, one male, and one female of course, and then yeh will begin yeh report by studying their behaviour. Matin' season usually lasts abou' a month so yeh will be with yeh partners for the next few lessons"

_Great_ thought Harry. _All I need. A month with Malfoy's arse. And what an arse! _

"Righ' off you go!" said Hagrid cheerfully.

"That oaf seriously needs help" said Malfoy. "He's not right in the head. I certainly don't want to spend the next month studying Skrewts shagging antics, and I especially do not want to spend it with you Potter"

"Shut up Malfoy" said Harry through gritted teeth. Harry made his way over to the box and picked out two Skrewts, then made his way back to Malfoy.

The lesson was extremely boring. Hagrid had obviously failed to get the Skrewts in the mood. 

"Well this is interesting" said Malfoy loudly. "So far our Skrewts have done nothing but ignore each other. Is this how you and Weasel behave during your mating season Potter? Or is there more action?"

"Fuck off Malfoy!" hissed Harry.

"If yeh look closely, yeh will notice tha' the female is glowing slightly" said Hagrid. "This usually happens durin' the matin' season"

"Don't get too near it Potter, it might burn your scar" sneered Malfoy. 

Harry ignored him. He was finding the lesson extremely boring. He glanced around. It seemed like everyone else was bored with their Skrewts aswell. Suddenly, Harry noticed something fall out of Neville's robes. It looked like a tablet. Neville didn't notice this, but his and Goyle's male Skrewt did. Harry watched the Skrewt with interest as it sniffed around the tablet. The Skrewt immediately ate it.  Harry frowned, wondering what the tablet could have been. 

"What's the matter Potter? fascinated with Longbottom now are we? Thinking of ways to please him during your mating season?" sneered Malfoy. 

Malfoy began to say something else but stopped mid sentence. His face had turned into a look of horror. Harry glanced to where Malfoy was looking and his jaw dropped.

Neville and Goyle's Skrewt had began to grow. And it wasn't just any part of the Skrewt. The Skrewts private parts were now twice their normal size.

"P…pro….professor?" stammered Neville. "I…er…think our male Skrewt is ready to mate!"  

The Skrewt's privates were still growing. Hagrid turned round.

"Ruddy hell! what's goin on! what did you do to it?" said Hagrid. "It's not supposed teh get tha' big!".

"I…I didn't do anything" said Neville.

The class started to panic as the Skrewt's privates were now the size of a small killer whale's.

"Alrigh' now don' panic!" shouted Hagrid. 

"How the bloody hell did it get that big?" said Ron, moving out the Skrewts way.

"I saw it, it ate something! Something that fell out of Neville's robes! A tablet" said Harry.

"OH NO!" shouted Neville.

"What? What was it? A headache tablet? said Harry, wondering how on earth a headache tablet could make the Skrewt's privates THAT big.

"N…NO" shouted Neville. "THAT WASN'T A HEADACHE TABLET, IT WAS VIAGRA!!!!" 

"OH MY GOD!" shouted Ron. 

The Skrewt (now looking very lustful and hard) immediately made a dash for Ron, obviously mistaking his red hair for a glowing female Skrewt.

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!! ERECT SKREWT! ERECT SKREWT!!!!!!" screamed Ron. 

The class began to run around in great panic.

"Don' go near it! don' panic! I'll…get Fang…." said Hagrid, rushing into his hut and slamming the door.

Ron was now hiding behind Crabbe, who despite all the panic, was still using his finger to search for his brain via his nose.

Pansy Parkinson now seemed quite interested in the Skrewt and attempted to flirt with it.

"Ewwwww you are sick!" shouted Hermione, disgusted at the sight of Pansy flirting with a horny Skrewt. 

"Get lost Granger! It's better than what you could do!" screeched Pansy.

Hermione than slapped Pansy and the two of them got into a very nasty cat fight.

"GET OFF ME YOU PUG NOSED BITCH!" yelled Hermione.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU STUPID MUDBLOOD!!" screamed Pansy.

The Skrewt immediately ended the fight as it approached the fighting couple and knocked Pansy out with its swinging erect member.

Dean and Seamus had currently taken cover behind Goyle, who was mid snog with Crabbe (still picking his nose).

The Skrewt was once again advancing on Ron. It was making a very loud screeching noise. Ron looked terrified.

"Wait 'til my father hears about this! That stupid oaf!" shouted Malfoy, hiding behind a nearby tree near Harry. "This is outrageous! He'll be sacked for sure this time!"

Malfoy turned towards Harry, who was wondering whether to help Ron or not.

"What's the matter Potter? scared of the Skrewt? Aren't you going to help Weasel, Potter? Save him from the Skrewt? It's dick must be bigger than his house, though not as fat as his mother"

"Your mother Malfoy, does she make that disgusting screeching noise when your father has his way with her?" said Harry, sneering.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that Potter! you- aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!" 

The Skrewt had advanced on Malfoy, member swinging in all directions. Malfoy turned and sprinted towards the forbidden forest with the Skrewt not far behind. 

Just then Hagrid came out of his hut with Fang.

"Where is it?"

"It's heading towards the forest after Malfoy" said Harry.

"Oh dear" said Hagrid. "I best go after him, yeh wouldn't mind helpin' me out would yeh Arry?"

Harry grinned. Him and Malfoy in the forest. With a horny Skrewt. This was going to be a very interesting day. But there was one question running around in his head.

What the hell was Neville Longbottom doing with Viagra in his robes? Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know. He set off towards the forest, not looking forward to dealing with the lustful Skrewt.

A/N: That was a really crap chapter. Go on, Flame it people! 


	13. Forest Frolicks

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing. Thank you! 

CHAPTER 13

Harry charged into the forbidden forest keeping a close eye on Draco's (cream filled) buns. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with a gigantic member (unless it was Draco's) he just wanted to make sure that the said member did not steal his Draco's cream. Hagrid was close behind Harry (checking out his wand) and Fang seemed quite excited. 

"Don' be afraid Arry' it's only a Skrewt. It's just a bit..er..excited" said Hagrid.

 At that moment the 'over excited' Skrewt let rip an enormous fart that set a nearby oak tree on fire. Harry thought he heard someone scream (poor Draco). Draco came running towards him screaming like a girl with his robes torn to shreds. It appeared the skrewt had caught up to him.

"Heeeelllllpppp meeeeeeeeeee!!!!! It's going to rape meeeeee!" screeched Draco.

Fang barked and charged towards Draco driven by pure jealousy and started to hump his leg. This clearly wasn't Draco's day. "Get this mutt off me" screamed Draco.

Just then the Skrewt came sliding towards Draco for a second go (its member knocking out nearby centaurs).

Suddenly, Firenze came bounding out of a nearby bush (where Bane was currently residing looking very flushed and satisfied).

"Harry Potter, what is the meaning of this?" said Firenze angrily. "We Centaurs do like a bit of fun, you know and we have been interrupted by this nonsense".

While Harry and Firenze were talking, Fang saw his chance. He unlatched himself from Draco and ran towards the skrewt with his own member getting overly excited.

"Fang, come back here, here boy!" said Hagrid. "Nooooooooo Fang, come here!"

Fang ignored his master and continued to chase the Skrewt while picturing it wearing a nurses uniform. 

While all this was happening, Gollum sat on a nearby rock, knocking out a poor defenceless fish. 

"this forbidden rock is nice and hot, oh fishy, fishy, fishy, so juicy sweeeeeeeet" he sang.

Draco, in the meantime was trying to cover himself up after the damage the attempted violation by the Skrewt had caused.

Suddenly, Harry heard a very familiar voice.

"Ah, excellent, nows your chance Lupin, get piercing those member's!"

_Oh god no, _thought Harry_ Please don't let that be who I think it is. _

Just then, two hands shot out from behind the tree and grabbed Draco.

"You hold him down and I'll take down his trousers" said the voice which Harry had just discovered was a butt naked Lupin.

"Great, soon he'll have a piercing just like me. I think we'll give him a Jack Russel and we shall name it Aconite. That will be another member for my club!" said the other voice which could only be Sirius.

Harry would have helped Draco who was currently having a nervous breakdown but couldn't rip his eyes away from Lupin's actions concerning Draco's trousers and Draco's underpants which read 'I LOVE MY DADDY'.

Just then a small growl emitted from Lupin. They all looked up and saw a large round full moon in the sky.

"uh oh" said Sirius who Harry could see was wearing nothing but a pair of Sketchers trainers and a pair of crotchless pants (Spots kennel had been redecorated).

Lupin then started to spasm and his nose began to elongate as did his member (which was decorated with a _My Little Pony_ piercing).

Upon seeing this, Fang stopped riding the Skrewts member and suddenly turned his attention to Lupin (or Lupins member).

Lupin was now a fully formed Werewolf. Firenze took the opportunity to try and impress Bane and started galloping over to Lupin, only to slip on a piece of mud and fall flat on his face in the leftovers of Fangs sordid love affair.

Draco was now in a coma with his hands covering his éclair (his member but chocolate covered). Sirius was feeding Spot a bone.

"Good boy, yeess, what a good dog, there you go, my little poodle woodle"

Everyone jumped as Fang bounded towards Lupin and tried to lick his pony (who Lupin had named Rainbow). 

Lupin began to run deeper in the forest with Fang in pursuit. Hagrid was whimpering behind Harry and Harry was watching a stone-solid Draco who was also being watched by a knackered Skrewt.

Firenze (red with embarrassment) picked himself off the floor and galloped over to Bane, who was not impressed and was currently flirting with Ronan. Firenze (feeling very sensitive) burst into tears and started stomping his hooves on the ground. He then ran up to Ronan and hooved him and a fight broke out. 

Sirius was trying to persuade Gollum to get a piercing of a fish, but Gollum was hugging his fish to his chest.

"Keep your naaaasstttyyy poodle, you shall not hurt the preeeccciiiouuusss fiiissshhh"

Harry felt the tears well up in his eyes, will Draco ever wake up?……………………

A/N – Please keep the reviews coming. Please don't sugar the pill, which I notice most of you haven't. Thank you to all who have reviewed, especially SassyMorg, we have nicknamed you 'sirius member obsessor', congratulations, you are a member of his club (except you don't have a member, oh well, never mind). See ya.

TBC


	14. ooh dear, we are in trouble

Disclaimer: Everyone who owns 'pointless porn' let us hear ya say wayooo wayooo ugaaabuuggaaa!!!!!!! That goes for everyone else who has put dirrrtttyyy stuff in their fics.  
  
CHAPTER 14  
  
An almighty howl erupted from deep within the forest and shook a nearby oak tree. Followed by "whats that noise preciousssss".  
  
Gollum, meanwhile, was distraught. Sirius would not give up on trying to persuade him, and was getting so annoyed with Gollum that he nicked his fish.  
  
"Noooooo, give us the precccciiiooouuus!!!!"  
  
"Nonsense, have a piercing, it won't hurt and you will be just like me!" said Sirius. "Come to my meeting, you'll love it!"  
  
"It hurts us prreeccciiiooouuusss, filthy naaasssttyyy naked man!"  
  
"Fine, take your fish then!" said Sirius, stomping his foot and petting Spot. "But don't come moaning to me when your 'pprreeeccciooouuss' member feels lonely"  
  
Sirius stomped off, looking for a new victim to join his club.  
  
Harry meanwhile, rushed over to Draco (still in a coma). The Skrewt's member had now shrunk and it was cowering under a nearby tree, clearly traumatised by its affair with Fang.  
  
"Hagrid, we need to get him to the hospital wing!" said Harry.  
  
"Keep an eye out for Fang would ya Arry"  
  
Hagrid lifted Draco up and headed off towards the school.  
  
Another howl erupted.  
  
Sirius then came bounding towards Harry, looking pissed off.  
  
"What is wrong with people? You offer them the club of a lifetime and they turn it down. Sure you don't want to join Harry?"  
  
"No" said Harry through gritted teeth. "Why did you come here Sirius? You should go look for Lupin and go back"  
  
"I had to get out! Besides, Spot needed some fresh air and I thought the forest would be good!"  
  
"Just go" said Harry, storming off.  
  
Suddenly Fang reappeared (quite clearly bow legged) and Sirius saw his opportunity.  
  
"Would you like to join my club, Mr Boarhound, I think a lovely piercing of a bone would suit you"  
  
Fang growled.  
  
"Now, now, c.calm d.down boy" said Sirius.  
  
Suddenly Fang leapt onto Sirius and began biting him (Fang was obviously in a bad mood after his encounter with Lupin).  
  
"Arrrrggghhhh!! Get off me you mutt!!! Get him Spot, attack him, we'll show the Boarhound!"  
  
Twenty minutes later, Fang was cowering in a bush and Sirius was swinging Spot proudly.  
  
"Come out and fight like a hound!! Come on, let the almighty Spot rule!"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Harry collapsed outside the castle entrance, out of breath. He looked to see none other than Professor Snape standing in front of him, wearing his prized red latex.  
  
"Potter! 300 points from Griffindor for making the entrance look untidy, now get inside, I'm sure you are aware that it is now eight o' clock in the evening. And may I ask why you, Miss Granger, Mr Weasley and Mr Malfoy were not in my lesson today?"  
  
"We had problems in our Care of Magical Creatures class sir" said Harry.  
  
"Really? Then you wouldn't mind making up for that time in detention with me and Filch now would you?"  
  
"Do you mean just me? Or everyone else who missed the lesson?" said Harry.  
  
"Oh, just you Potter"  
  
"What? But that's not fair!"  
  
"I'm sure you are aware by now Mr Potter that I clearly detest you, so unless you want a bigger punishment I suggest you get inside. Now!"  
  
Harry stomped inside only to face Filch, who said his best line.  
  
"Ooohhh dear, we are in trouble" 


	15. From bad to worse

CHAPTER 15

Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this story. Satisfied?

Harry woke up the next morning wondering if last night had all been a dream. He thought about Draco (who was in the hospital wing). He got up and got dressed and headed off to the great hall where Hermione and Ron were waiting. 

"Alright mate?" said Ron.

"Been better" grunted Harry.

Snape, who was making his way toward the staff table, stopped and turned to face Harry. 

"Potter, I expect you in my office at 8pm sharp. If you are late, then you shall be given more work to do" growled Snape. 

He carried on towards the staff table. 

"Sorry about the detention Harry" said Hermione.

"Yeah, I can't understand why Snape's given you one" said Ron. 

"Because he's an arsehole that's why" said Harry, spilling porridge all over Hermione because he was shaking with anger.

"It wasn't your fault about the Skrewt Harry" said Ron, who turned his head towards Neville Longbottom, who was hidden behind _The Daily Prophet._   

Neville looked up. 

"Harry, I'm really sorry about the…erm..you know…the.."

"The Viagra" said Harry, looking annoyed. 

"Neville, what the bloody hell were you doing with Viagra in your robes?" said Ron.

"I'm sorry! it's just…you know…well…my gran…she..you know"

"No Neville, we don't wish to know thank you" said Hermione, crossing her arms.

"Did you see Malfoy though? Running around like a girl? It was hilarious" said Ron.

Harry scowled. 

"Come on you two, hurry up, it's transfiguration next" said Hermione. 

Harry groaned and put his head in his hands. 

The mail arrived at that point. Hedwig delivered Harry a letter, much to his surprise.

He opened it and groaned once again, throwing the letter to one side. 

Hermione reached over and opened it. 

_Harry, _

_Sorry about last night, but I had to get more members for my club. I must say that I'm disgusted at the lack of enthusiasm about this. Spot is very distressed. Anyway, keep asking people to join (could you possibly ask the Skrewt for me? he had the perfect member) and I hope to see you soon. _

_P.S could you tell the Gollum creature that I have a lovely stack of fish for him to eat, should he wish to change his mind about joining my club and to come and chat._

_Sirius and Spot.___

"Sirius was there last night? What happened? what did he do? who's Gollum, Harry?" said Hermione, looking confused. 

"Yes, unfortunately, Sirius was there and I don't want to talk about it" said Harry, getting up and storming off to transfiguration. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Transfiguration turned out to be nearly as bad as Care of Magical Creatures. The task was to transfigure a twig into a stick insect, but Neville (much to Harry's annoyance) somehow managed to transfigure his twig into a Blast Ended Skrewt. Lavender Brown (who was still distressed from the previous nights events) freaked out and tripped over Trevor, who had escaped from Neville's robes. Trevor went beserk and hopped onto MaGonnagols desk, knocking over a small wooden box which burst open only to spill out a large amount of Durex condoms. MaGonnagol turned beetroot red and rushed out of the classroom muttering something like "my goodness, which foolish student left those on my desk". She returned ten minutes later and gave poor Neville six weeks detention. 

The trio made their way to the great hall. Harry was totally pissed off. He was just beginning to say to Ron how things couldn't get any worse when he remembered that he had detention with Snape and Filch. At remembering this he completely lost it and told Hermione to fuck off when she began to brag about her perfect transformation of a twig to a stick insect. Disgusted, Hermione threw her pumpkin juice all over him and stormed out. 

Harry sat there, fists clenched, covered in sticky pumpkin juice. It was at that moment that Snape passed by. 

"POTTER! What is all the noise about?" he roared.

"Nothing" said Harry, gritting his teeth.

Snape smirked. "Well potter, I am afraid that I'm going to have to deduct house points. I simply cannot allow for you to sit there covered in pumpkin juice making the hall look untidy". 

Harry grabbed a napkin from the table and began to clean himself.

"There" he growled. "Happy now _sir? I'm clean"._

"That's another 20 points for being rude Potter, you do not give me cheek" said Snape, with an evil smirk.  

"Fine" said Harry, trying desperately not to lose his temper. 

"You certainly enjoy causing a scene don't you Mr Potter? I suppose you think you're clever, losing Griffindor points? Tell me, why is it that Miss Granger threw pumpkin juice all over you?"

The whole hall had gone quiet and seemed to be listening. 

"It's nothing" said Harry, clenching his fists. 

"Then I'm afraid that I will have to deduct another 20 points for-"

That did it. Harry picked up the beef casserole that sat in the middle of the table and threw the entire contents onto Snape's head.  

Snape surprisingly didn't react that badly. In fact, he just stood there dripping with casserole and smirking. 

"Congratulations Mr Potter, you have just earned yourself two months worth of detention with Mr Filch and I"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Harry made his way towards the dungeons at 8.00pm. He was seriously considering ending his life after this afternoons events. 

He stopped outside Snape's office (which had a picture of Filch grinning on the door).

He knocked. 

"Come in!" boomed Snape. 

Harry entered and immediately felt sick. The room was decorated with hearts and and roses. 

"Potter, over here!" roared Snape. He was dressed in a pink suit which was covered in hearts. 

Harry discovered that he was to spend his detention providing romantic meals for Snape and Filch. He was disgusted. 

Part of Snape's office had been transformed into some sort of kitchen, and Snape and Filch sat at a table for two in the middle of the room. 

An hour later, Harry was exhausted from running around cooking and serving food (he was allowed no wand to complete the tasks). 

"POTTER!" roared Snape. "WHAT IS THIS?"

"It's lobster sir" said Harry, fanning himself with a tea towel. 

"Potter, I have told you repeatedly that I do not like lobster and neither does Filch, take this way and bring us something else. NOW!"

Harry returned to the kitchen section, gritting his teeth. 

"I'm sorry Filchy Wilchy, did the mean old Potter frighten you with the nasty lobster?" said Snape, batting his eyelashes at Filch.

"It was awful Snapey, I expect the best food" said Filch, tossing his lank hair aside.

Harry, meanwhile, was desperately trying to prevent Mrs Norris from attacking his steaks that he had just removed from the oven. 

He pushed the cat aside and took the steaks over to the table. 

"That's better" said Snape.  "Now Potter, if you could provide us with a little music"

Harry spent the rest of the night plying 'Unchained Melody' on the piano with a scowl on his face (Snape cast a spell on him so he could play it perfectly).

By the end of the night Harry was exhausted. He only hoped he wouldn't be doing this for two months. He made his way back to the common room. Suddenly a pair of hands grabbed him from behind. 

Harry felt himself being turned around and staring into the grey eyes of Draco Malfoy. 

He gulped. 

"Malfoy look, last night wasn't my fault….you know..the skrewt and all….it was Neville…he.." 

Harry trailed off. 

Draco was looking at him differently. 

"Malfoy?" said Harry, feeling uncomfortable. 

What happened next was totally unexpected as Draco began to kiss Harry. 

Draco broke off the kiss. 

Harry stared at him.

"Scared Potter?" smirked Draco. "You better be, because I'm going to do to you what your godfather tried to do to me. I'm going to give you a lovely piercing, using Flint's dentist implements. Get him boys" 

Crabbe and Goyle instantly appeared.

Harry gulped. This was going to be a very long night.

A/N Come on, review this goddam plotless story. 


	16. The Full Monty

CHAPTER 16

DISCLAIMER – Milk me Nagini!

Harry began to stir. As far as he could tell he was upright. He had a painful headache and was strangely cold.

He opened his eyes and saw a wide stretch of grass. He then noticed three Quidditch goals in the distance.

"oh shit!" 

Harry had been tied to one of the posts on the other side. He was naked. He gritted his teeth. Malfoy. The little shit would pay for this. And his two goons. He tried to wriggle free but it was no good. He was stuck. Unluckily for Harry it was a Quidditch match today.

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall, the Griffindor team were frantic. 

"Where the hell is my seeker?" said Wood, smoothing his kilt. 

"We haven't seen him since last night" said Hermione. 

"He wasn't in the dormitory either" said Ron. 

"Maybe we should tell Dumbledore" said Hermione. 

"I'm sure he'll turn up" said Ron. 

"Maybe he's forgotten that lessons have been cancelled or something. I mean it's not like Dumbledore to cancel morning lessons because of a Quidditch match" said Hermione. 

"Well I hope he gets a move on, we need to beat Ravenclaw today" said Wood. 

Hermione and Ron got up and made their way towards the Quidditch pitch.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry's stomach turned. He knew that in a matter of five minutes, his extremely naked body would be exposed to the entire school. Ron and Hermione would be seeing a different view of him for sure. He was looking forward to playing Ravenclaw. This was obviously due to the fact that he would get to see plenty of Cho Chang. Harry nearly wet himself. Cho! She would be seeing more of him that she expected. And worse still he couldn't cover himself up because his hands were tied up. 

The next few minutes seemed to go very slowly. Half the school were making their way out. Harry could see them. He wanted to die. He could see Wood in his kilt looking pissed off walking towards the changing rooms. He could see Colin Creevey with his camera. Harry felt sick. 

Suddenly he heard a scream. He saw Hermione standing with her mouth wide open pointing at Harry. Ron looked confused until he saw where Hermione was pointing. Ron's eyes widened. Within ten minutes nearly the entire school were pointing at Harry. Ron's immediate reaction was to cover Hermione's eyes. The Slytherins were howling with laughter. Hermione ran towards Harry and shouted up to him.

"Oh Harry, what happened? How did you get up there? I'll get Dumbledore! Do not panic!

Harry groaned. Then he saw the little blond shit better known as Draco Malfoy pushing his way to the front of the crowd. 

"So, Potter, decided to have a little training before the match? You'll be even more famous after this" 

Malfoy held up his wand and produced a mirror. Harry stared down at it and was nearly sick. His pubic hair had been shaved and dyed to look like a snitch. His hair was orange. 

"Like it Potter? Now you can be a Weasley, and if your really lucky, you could find a bin and use it for your house"

Ron immediately lunged for Malfoy and started punching him.

The two teams were making their way onto the pitch. 

Cho Chang immediately stopped and looked horrified. Her eyes seemed to forever linger on Harry's crotch. 

Wood immediately stopped. He studied Harry for a moment. Then shouted up.

"Come on Potter, get a move on, we've got a match to play!"

Another twenty minutes later and Harry was being carefully taken down by professors MaGonnagol and Snape (MaGonnagol was blushing furiously). Suddenly, Harry heard a familiar voice calling to him. He turned round. 

"Harry! Harry! I've seen your member and I think you fit perfectly in my club!"

Harry groaned at the sight of a naked Sirius climbing up one of the Quidditch posts. Fang was at the bottom barking madly.

"Down you stupid mutt, go away, behold my mighty Spot!" 

Hagrid was attempting to pull Sirius off the post.

Colin's camera was clicking furiously. Harry turned and made his way inside, thinking of his detention with Filch and Snape tonight, and about how the little blond shit would pay.

A/N Come on, review this masterpiece of insanity.


	17. Cupid's Arrow

Disclaimer: We own nothing except the plot. Well, I suppose this hasn't got a plot so you might as well say we own nothing.

CHAPTER 17

After spending hours and hours trying to find a spell to change his pubes back to their original colour, Harry gave up and stomped out of the common room to the dungeons for his detention. He arrived outside Snape's office and knocked. 

"Come in!" boomed Snape.

Harry entered with a scowl on his face. 

"Ah Potter, has your head deflated yet?" sneered Snape.

"Excuse me?" said Harry.

"Your head Potter, I'm sure it swelled due to all the attention you got this morning. Tell me Potter, do you usually result to hanging yourself naked from a post? Has the fame died down so badly that you have to take such drastic measures?"  

"I did not hang myself naked from that Quidditch post" said Harry through clenched teeth.

Snape sneered and flicked his wand. Immediately Harry's robes disappeared and he was dressed as Cupid with a bow and arrow. He was horrified. What the hell did the greasy haired git expect him to do dressed like this?

"Unfortunately, Mr Filch cannot be with me tonight as he is currently writing a report for Peeves. Fortunately, I have you to serenade him for me. You will deliver this letter to him for me and sing for him"

"I will not" said Harry.

"Potter, as you are in detention with _me you will do as _I _say. You will return here after the task. Now get out of my sight"_

"But what if someone sees me? Like a prefect or something?"

"Then you can hand them your bow and arrow so that they can deflate your overlarge head" said Snape.

Harry scowled. He turned around and slammed the office door. This was great. If someone caught him like this then his life would well and truly never be the same again. He tip-toed down the hall, praying that no-one was around. He just thought he'd got away with it when he heard a noise. He turned around and nearly let out a scream. 

Draco Malfoy was strolling towards the dungeons.

_Shit.Shit.Shit__. What the fuck is he doing out here at this time thought Harry. __Oh god don't let him see me. Oh god if he sees me that's it. He's going to think I'm some sort of freak. _

He tried to hide behind a statue.

_Stupid Snape _thought Harry. _That greasy haired arsehole made me dress like this to embarrass me._

Harry tried desperately to cram his bow and arrow behind his back. He dropped it. He froze. 

Draco stopped mid stroll and turned to look directly at the statue where Harry was currently hiding.  He made his way over and peered behind it. His confused face immediately transformed into a smirk. 

Harry knew he looked pathetic. He was crouched behind the statue, staring up at Draco. 

"Well Well Well Potter. You obviously enjoyed my little prank so much that you decided to take it further. What's the occasion?" he grinned. "Are you on your way to serenade Weasel and mudblood Granger?"

"Fuck off" spat Harry. "You just wait Malfoy. I'll make you fucking pay for what you did"

"What you going to do? Serenade me?"

Harry stopped scowling. He'd just thought of a marvelous way to get revenge. 

Draco sniggered. He turned around and started to make his way back towards the dungeons. Harry picked up his bow and immediately targeted Malfoys arse. He shot the arrow and it landed just there. Malfoy let out an almighty screech and clutched his backside.

Harry knew that those arrows had been specifically for Filch. Snape had bewitched them so that Filch would be his lover. 

Malfoy stood there for a couple of seconds. Then he turned to face Harry with a strange look on his face. Harry strolled over to him.

"Umm Malfoy, could you give me my arrow back?"

Draco stared at him and handed him the arrow.

"Umm Potter, is Snape in his office? I need to see him urgently"

Harry grinned. 

"Yep, that's where he is"

Draco turned around and skipped towards the dungeons. 

This would be good. Harry felt satisfied. It would be hilarious seeing Malfoy trying to win Snape's affections.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After spending an hour serenading Filch and shooting arrows at him, Harry made his way back towards the dungeons. He entered Snape's office and stopped dead.

Snape was tied to a chair wearing nothing but a pair of grey underpants with the words "POTIONS KICKS ASS" across the front. He was gagged. 

Draco was currently on his knees serenading Snape with his second chorus of "Love Me Tender".

Harry burst out laughing.

Draco stopped singing and turned around. 

"Potter, me and Snapey are busy, so I suggest you get lost" 

Snape seemed to be desperately shaking his head from side to side as though he wanted Harry to stay.

Harry wished that he had a camera. The sight of Snape tied to a chair with Draco serenading him had to be the funniest thing he had ever seen.

"Well Potter, are you going to get lost or just stand there?"

"Well, I suppose I'll have to leave you two lovebirds alone"

Snape made a desperate groan.

Harry turned to leave but suddenly stopped. He turned to face Draco with a sneer on his face.

"Perhaps your beloved Snape could show you some of his break-dancing skills. He's very good with his legs"

Draco turned to face Snape.

"Oh Snapey, show me your moves! For me?"

Snape grunted.

"Let me untie you and you can show your Drakey poo" 

Draco untied Snape and removed his gag.

Snape immediately shot up.

"GET OUT! THE PAIR OF YOU! OUT OF MY OFFICE NOW!" 

"Oh Snapey don't be shy" said Draco looking at Snape lovingly. "Go on, show us!"

"NO! NOW GET OUT"

"But Potter says you're very good at it! Show us" said Draco, reaching out to stroke Snape's arm.

"Don't touch me! I will not- oh very well, I'll show you"

Harry well remembered the first time he saw Snape break-dancing. It had been when Harry was wearing the invisibility cloak and was sneaking to the slytherin dungeons to see Marcus Flint.

And so, wearing his grey underpants, Snape began to break-dance.  

After he had finished he smoothed out his hair and straightened his underpants.

"Now get out. The pair of you"

"Oh snapey!" Draco cried. He threw his arms around the potions master.

"Be my lover! We can be together forever and no one shall stop us!" cried Draco.

Harry suddenly felt a pang of jealousy and turned to leave. Snape flicked his wand and Harry was clothed in his robes again.

"Away with you, you silly boy!" said Snape pushing Draco away.

"I want to be with you, say you will be my lover!"

"Mr Malfoy, what on earth is the meaning of this?" 

Draco began to smother Snape with kisses. 

"I think a visit to Dumbledore would be the solution. Come with me Mr Malfoy"

"Anything for you my love"

Snape flicked his wand and was fully clothed again.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Harry stomped towards the common room. He knew that he'd probably gone too far but it was worth it too see Malfoy declare his love for Snape.

_Then why do I feel jealous? _he thought.

He entered the common room and flopped down on one of the chairs. Suddenly, a familiar scene appeared in the fireplace.

"Get lost Sirius" said Harry through gritted teeth.

"Just thought I'd pop in!" said Sirius cheerfully. "What's up"

Harry groaned. "Sirius, do you think I could look at your head instead of your private parts for once?" 

Sirius' head appeared. 

"Great show today Harry, I must say, your member-"

"Goodnight Sirius" said Harry, getting up and heading towards the dormitory.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Draco stared lovingly at Snape as he sat in Dumbledore's office.

"So you are saying, Severus, that Mr Malfoy here has suddenly become infatuated with you?"

"Yes, that would appear so" said Severus.

"And he's never given these signs before?"

"No"

"Hmmmm" said Dumbledore, stroking his beard. "And when exactly did Mr Malfoy enter your office Severus?"

"It was just after I sent Potter off on his deten-" Snape stopped mid-sentence.

"POTTER!" he roared. "This is his doing! He must have used one of my love arrows. It was Potter!"

"Innocent until proven guilty, Severus" said Dumbledore calmly.

"Really? Well why doesn't Mr Malfoy stand up and show us the back of his robes. Stand up" said Snape.

"Anything for you" said Draco lovingly.

"Turn around" ordered Snape.

Draco turned around and sure enough, in the back of his robes, was a small hole where the arrow had punctured him.

"You see?" said Snape excitedly. "It's Potter's fault. He has an obsession with breaking school rules" 

"As do you, Severus" said Dumbledore.

"Potter should…What?" said Snape.

"I do believe that any form of love spell in this school is banned" said Dumbledore. "Am I right in saying that you assigned Mr Potter with the task of using arrows which had a love spell cast on them?" said Dumbledore.

"Yes but Potter-"

"And you asked Mr Potter to use them on Mr Filch I presume?

"Yes" said Snape. 

"Then I see no reason to punish Mr Potter as you landed him with the arrows in the first place" said Dumbledore.

Snape was furious.

"And how do I get rid of _this?" _he said, pointing his finger at Draco.

"It will wear off soon, Severus, not to worry" smiled Dumbledore, still stroking his beard. 

Snape felt very stressed. He suddenly felt the need to break-dance again. He sunk into a chair and began to sulk, twirling his hair around his finger.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

First lesson next morning was History of Magic. Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way towards the classroom and sat down at their usual desks.

Hermione had been giving Harry very strange looks after yesterdays Quidditch "Incident"

Professor Binns began to drone on as usual. 

Then something strange happened. The Fat Friar suddenly floated through the wall, obviously unaware that Binns was teaching at that moment.

"Ohhhhh Binsy, I've got the strawberries and creeeaaaammmm!" sung Fat Friar.

"Not. Now. Friar" said Binns through gritted teeth.

"But Binsy, it's been ages since we-oohhh I say!" said Fat Friar, spotting the students staring at him.

"Er…well….er…some other time then Binns…We'll..er discuss business over lunch" said Friar, trying desperately to put on a masculine voice.

Harry stuffed his fist in his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

Ron grunted loudly and received a painful kick from Hermione.

The Fat Friar floated back out of the classroom.

Professor Binns went back to droning (though his voice was a little shaky).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Well History of Magic was certainly interesting" said Ron, later in the common room.

"Yeah, now we know what Binns gets up to in his spare time" said Harry.

Hermione sat there quietly. She stared at Harry, then spoke.

"So…um…Harry…How did you get up that post yesterday?"

"Malfoy" said Harry through gritted teeth"

"We thought so" said Ron. "It looked really funny though, you hanging there naked. It made me laugh even more when Hermione said that you had a small-OUCH!"

Hermione had kicked Ron. 

"Hermione said I had a small what?" said Harry.

"Er…a..small…head" said Ron.

"A small head?" said Harry, looking confused.

"Oh for goodness sake!" said Hermione. "Harry, I thought, and Ron agrees with me, that you…er…aren't very big downstairs that's all"

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have a small penis, mate" said Ron. "Not to worry, I walked in on Percy in the shower once and he was even smaller, so you're ok"

"Ok?" said Harry through gritted teeth. "OK?"

Sirius suddenly appeared in the fire.

"Evening all!" he said cheerfully. 

"Do you think this?" said Harry.

"Think what?" said Sirius.

"That Harry has a small penis" said Ron.

"Well….I..er….well…I suppose….I mean…in comparison with mine it's quite..um..yes" said Sirius.

"Quite what exactly?" said Harry.

"Well, it doesn't matter Harry! You can still join my club! It excepts Penises of all sizes! We could give you a piercing of a stick insect!" 

"A STICK INSECT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUGGESTING? WELL YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF!" shouted Harry.

He turned and made his way to the dormitory. 

"Was it something I said?" said Sirius, looking at Ron and Hermione.

Hermione put her head in her hands and groaned.

A/N Please review.


	18. Frollocks with Flitwick

Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this chapter. Just thought we'd tell you in case you didn't know that by now. Big it up!

CHAPTER 18

Harry woke up in a cold sweat. He dreamt that his penis kept shrinking until it was smaller than Millicent's sexual magnetism. He decided to go for a midnight stroll. He needed to clear his head after the nights events. He got out of bed and slung his invisibility cloak over his head. He made his way down to the common room and out of the portrait hole. 

He suddenly heard a loud "meow" from one of the nearby classrooms. He quietly opened the door and peered inside. To his horror, he found Crookshanks and Neville's toad Trever on one of the tables. He shut the door and carried on walking, deciding it would be better not to tell Hermione that her cat had had sexual contact with a toad.

He decided to go out into the grounds for a stroll. He was just enjoying a nice stroll near the Quidditch pitch when he was grabbed from behind. He found himself staring into the large green eyes of Dobby.

"Harry Potter" said Dobby lovingly.

"D….Dobby?" said Harry.

"Dobby has waited a long time to get Harry Potter on his own. Dobby is not getting much exercise now that he is free"

"W..What?" said Harry.

"Dobby is not seeing Winky anymore. Dobby is a free agent. Dobby would love to have intercourse with Harry Potter"

"Er…Sorry Dobby…."

"Dobby has heard of Harry Potter's tiny winky but never his sexy ass, Dobby is honoured" 

"No Dobby…I…don't…do..house elves"

"Harry Potter must not offend Dobby, he must give in to his secret sexual desires"

Suddenly a shrill noise filled the air.

"Dooobbbbyyyy! You is ignoring me! You is not satisfying meeee! You is a filthy cheat! shouted Winky, who was running towards them.

_For gods sake _thought Harry._ What does a person have to d to get a peaceful walk around here._

Harry pushed Dobby off him and sprinted off, wondering how on earth Dobby had seen him with his cloak on. He left the two elves fighting and sprinted towards the forest. 

As he reached the forest, he could hear raised voices and loud noises. He glanced towards the bushes and saw the centaurs Firenze, Bane and Ronan still fighting from the night of the Skrewt incident. He tip-toed towards the scene.

"Utter nonsense!" roared Bane. "The two of you are acting like a pair of lovesick ponies!" 

"He started it!" shouted Firenze. "He knew that you and I were lovers and he thinks that he can just gallop his way into our relationship!"

"Liar!" yelled Ronan. "It would never work out between you two! It is quite obvious that Bane fancies me more than you. Get over it Firenze!"

"You lie! Bane has always desired me! How can he resist my beautiful torso? I am fit to be on the cover of centaur hunks weekly!"

"Centaur hunks weekly?" snorted Ronan. "More like hideous horses monthly"

"Stop it the both of you!" yelled Bane. "For both of your information, I am not looking for a relationship at the moment, so stop it!"

"Now look what you have done you jumped up mule, you've put him off me!" shouted Firenze.

"It was your fault, you were too damn clingy, wanting a full blown relationship" shouted Ronan.

Harry sighed and carried on walking. He could faintly see the creature Gollum on a rock in the distance, playing with a fish. 

He heard voices. He stopped and listened. 

"Now, Hagrid, tell me, when was the last time that you were sexually involved with another woman? Do you think that you should be having it more regular? What are you views on sex? Do you think that the fact that you are half giant means that you have less sex?"

"Well, er, I can't remember teh be 'onest with ya. Been a long time since me…er…ya know…was in working order" came Hagrids voice.

"What are your views on the use of wizard sex toys? Have you ever indulged yourself in one?" came the other familiar voice.

"Nah, I could never do tha', wouldn't be setting s good example for me pet boarhound if I did tha' infront of im'. It might scare him"

"What are your views on your pet boarhounds sexuality? Do you feel that it is normal for him to relate sexually with an overly erect Blast Ended Skrewt?"

Harry couldn't believe his ears. He tip-toed closer. The interviewer was none other than Rita Skeeter. She seemed to be interrogating Hagrid about his sex life. 

"Do you see yourself as a sexually active person? Who do you most fancy at Hogwarts?" 

"Well..er…that's top secret that is" said Hagrid. "Can't tell ya that'

"Have you ever had a relationship with anyone at Hogwarts? If so, what sexual activities did you get up to?"

"Can't tell ya that" said Hagrid "That's strictly between me an' Professor Flitwick"

"Professor Flitwick?" said Rita Skeeter, looking hopeful.

"I shouln't have said that" said Hagrid putting his head in his hands "I should not have said that"

Rita Skeeter looked as though Christmas had come early. 

"What did you get up to? Are you still seeing each other? How do you feel about Flitwick? Did the size difference affect sexual positions?" 

"That's enough" said Hagrid "I shouldn't say anymore"

He made a sound as though he was getting up off the rock he had been sitting on. Harry quickly turned and started to walk away. He made his way past the squabbling centaurs and the fighting elves and headed straight to bed, his head spinning. What the hell was Hagrid doing talking to Rita Skeeter about his sexual activities? And with Flitwick of all people. Harry definitely needed some sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sure enough, Rita's article on Hagrid appeared in _The Daily Prophet _a few days later.

"Look at this" said Ron, shoving the front page in Harry's face.

Harry stared at the front page which had a picture of Hagrid on the front wearing his moleskin coat and a cheesy grin. He was holding a Blast Ended Skrewt. Harry stared at the headline and began to read the article.

_GIANT HAGRID FED HIS SEXUAL APPETITE WITH SMALL PORTIONS_

_Giant opens his heart about his long lost frollocks with tiny Hogwarts Charms teacher Professor Fitwick_

_By Rita Skeeter_

_Giant Rubeus Hagrid, gamekeeper at __Hogwarts__School__ of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has spoken for the first time about his full blown sexual relationship with Professor Flitwick. Sitting on a rock in the __Forbidden__Forest__, Hagrid opened his heart about how he hasn't been able to forget the steamy nights that he and Flitwick shared years ago at Hogwarts. Hagrid complained that his lack of sexual activity was getting him down. "It was obvious that he needed some sex, I could tell that just from looking at him" said a unicorn, who happened to be passing by at the time of the interview. Tears welled up in the dark eyes of Hagrid, as he told how he felt sexually unattractive and how he longed to visit those cold Hogwarts broom cupboards with Flitwick. When asked about the size difference between he and Flitwick he replied "Size don't matter"._

Harry was horrified. He knew that Hagrid didn't say those things. 

"What the hell is this all about?" said Ron "Bloody hell, Hagrid and Flitwick?"

"There's something wrong" said Hermione. "Hagrid wouldn't say those things"

"I heard what he said" said Harry. He told them about what he had heard in the forest. 

"He could get into trouble for saying about Flitwick" said Hermione. 

"Yeah I know" said Harry. 

He knew that he had to go and see Hagrid straight away. 

A/N Please review. 


	19. The New Villain

CHAPTER 19

Disclaimer – We own our own clothes but not a car.

Ok, this chapter is all screwed up cos FanFiction wouldn't let us seperate the scenes. So you'll just have to guess when a new scene comes up. Sorry about that.

The new villain 

It was Saturday morning and Harry chose this moment to go and visit Hagrid to comfort him about the daily prophet article.

Harry knocked on Hagrid's door.

'Hagrid, are you in there?'

''Old on' came the muffled reply. 'jus givin Fang his ky jelly back'

Harry considered running away, much in the style of Forest Gump but decided to stay and sort this out.

The door swung open and Hagrid's massive form loomed into view.

'Arry, wot can I do for yer?' said Hagrid cheerfully.

'erm, are you OK, I read the article, mmm, can I come in?' said Harry hesitantly

'Course' said Hagrid shifting his bulky buns to the side giving Harry enough room to squeeze through.

Fang came bounding up knocking Harry over and licking him leaving an oily residue all over his face, Harry figured what it was and wiped it off.

'So how are you getting on' asked Harry.

'Blooming, guess wha' Arry?'

'What?'

'Las' night I…' Hagrid was unable to finish his sentence as at that moment Flitwick appeared from the bedroom with his hair tussled and walking like he'd lost his donkey.

'Oh hello there Mr Potter, I hope you've finished that essay' said Flitwick while he carefully lowered himself into a chair.

'well… er well… I… nearly' said Harry trying not to look uncomfortable. He failed in this as he fell off the chair he was sitting on, fell on top of Fang who yelped and hid behind Hagrid's crossbow which fell to the floor and let loose an arrow which spiked Flitwick up the arse who jumped onto Hagrid's knee yelling 'oohh my goodness… mamma mia, oh Hagrid it reminds me of you' and they immediately started necking in front of Harry.

'erm… I'll be leaving then' said Harry who immediately did his famous Forest Gump.

'Worm dick' screamed Moleymort irritably

'yes my lord?'

'Bwing to me a push pop you disgusting bald headed wat' said Moleymort pushing him to the ground.

'Don't push me push a push pop' said Wormdick incredulously and left to go to Woolworths to do his masters bidding.

Moleymort relaxed and pulled out his Frank Sinatra CD.

After a couple of hours swaying to the melodies of 'ole blue eyes the door to his caravan crashed open and in the doorway loomed a gigantic and fearful shape.

'who… who are you?' squeaked Moley while hiding behind a bean bag.

'I am the dark lord, Sourwartman. Prepare to face the wrath of my almighty wart, mwa ha ha' boomed a deep voice.

'Ha' said Moley now regaining his courage, 'your wart is nothing compared to my mole, I will eat your wart for bweakfast, MWA HA HA'.

'You may be able to defeat my wart with the almighty browness of your mole but my warteaters would destroy you and your mole before you could even think about striking' boomed the voice gleefully.

'Ha, you warteaters would be trounced and humiliated by my moleeaters, show yourself you filthy piece of distended rectum' shouted Moley.

The ominous shape stepped forward to reveal a tall man with multi-coloured hair in pigtails, a skin-tight leotard with his y-fronts on the outside and a picture of a wart on his chest with the letter S over it. He laughed while his bright red cape fluttered behind him.

'Look upon you enemy and tremble' said Sourwartman kicking over a chair with his banana peel boots.

Moleymort burst out laughing. He fell on the floor in hysterics, thumping the ground with his fists.

'How dare you laugh at me' screamed Sourwartman pulling out a device in the shape of a wart, pressed a button on the top of it and a blade flicked out. 'Now do you laugh at me?'.

Moleymort promptly took out his wand and performed a inflammara hex and aimed it at Sourwartman. Immediately a cloud of smoke hid them both from view and when the smoke had cleared Sourwartman could be seen trying to put out his cape with his boot, his hair was singed down to the stub and his face was red and burnt.

'You will regret that you codfish!' screamed Sourwartman as he darted out the door but at that moment Wormdick appeared armed with a strawberry flavour push pop.

'No not the push pop… please, I'll do anything!' cried Sourwartman falling to his knees.

Wormdick stood looking bewildered.

'Kill him Wormdick, show him no mercy' cried Moleymort.

Comprehension dawned on Wormdick's face and he took off the top of the push pop and pushed up the red coloured sweet to reveal a 5cm light sabre.

This was the moment that Sourwartman chose to push the weapon out of Wormdick's hand and peg it. As he ran away he screamed, 'I shall return and when I do I will have a Mega mega gigantic humungous, very big, extra large, apple flavoured push pop, mwa ha ha'.

Moleymort advanced upon Wormdick who was lying on the floor holding his wound where sticky strawberry had smeared across his arm in the struggle.

'I am so sorry my lord, I was not fast enough' he sobbed.

'Do not worry Wormdick when he comes back, not only will we have a push pop but we will have wefreshers and a gobstopper, then we will show him what true dark lords are made of, mwa ha ha' cried Moleymort triumphantly.    

He made his way back into the caravan and slipped his Micheal Jackson CD, Singing along to 'Thriller'.

'I can't believe Hagrid did that' said Ron through a mouthful of apple pie.

'At least you didn't have to see it' said Harry, loading pie onto his plate.

'It's bloody disgusting' said Ron.

Suddenly, they were interrupted.

'Well, well, well. Potty, Weasel, Mudblood'

'Go away Malfoy' said Harry, gritting his teeth.

'Interesting article about the oaf' sneered Malfoy. 'He'll be sacked for sure this time'

'No he won't' snarled Harry.

'I mean', said Malfoy speaking loudly, 'fancy having a giant at the school who sexually harasses other teachers. And Flitwick at that! Father says the oaf will be gone very soon'

'He didn't sexually harass Flitwick' said Harry.

'And what is going on here' came the voice of Snape.

Malfoy suddenly fluttered his eyelashes (the effects of the love spell hadn't quite worn off)

'Snapey…er..I mean…sir, Potter was threatening to set Hagrid onto me' said Malfoy.

'I was not! Professor, he's lying he…..oh what the hell, you won't believe me anyway. Go on, how many points will it be this time?' said Harry.

'Thank you Potter' sneered Snape. '200 points from Griffindor for threatening Mr Malfoy!, which reminds me, I need to speak to Hagrid later'

He walked off.

Malfoy smirked and walked out of the hall.

Harry got up and followed.

'Where's he going?' said Ron.

'Don't know' said Hermione.

'Can you believe Snape?' 200 points, we definitely won't win the house cup this year' said Ron.

'How do you think I feel?' snapped Hermione, 'Those points were from Dumbledore to repay me for the hour I spent grooming his beard last night'

'What the hell did he want you to do that for? Why would he give you 200 points just for that?'

'Ron, that's not all…'

'What do you mean?'

'Ron?'

'What?'

'I slept with Dumbledore last night. We did it right on his office desk and…and… and Fawkes joined in too'

'WHAT?'

'Malfoy wait!'

Malfoy stopped and turned around.

'Leave Hagrid alone, I'm warning you' said Harry.

Malfoy walked up to Harry and planted a kiss on his cheek.

'Be good Potty!' he laughed, and walked off towards the dungeons.

Harry put a hand to his cheek, shuddered, and turned back to the great Hall.

Snape made his way to Hagrid's, singing to himself.

'Zippee dee doo dah, Zippee dee day, my oh my what a wonderful day, Zip-what was that?'

A rustling sound came form the bushes to his left.

'Hello? Who goes there?' said Snape.

More rustling.

'Show yourself' said Snape.

A big, black dog emerged form the bushes.

'Woof'

'Why, hello doggy woggy' said Snape, patting the dog on the head.

'Woof, woof'

'A very fine day to you too!' said Snape. He turned to carry on walking.

'Alright Snivellus?' came a voice from behind him.

Snape whizzed around. Where the dog had been was a man, completely naked, with long black hair, a nipple piercing of a Hippogriff and private parts that looked like a dog's home. There was everything. A kennel, a bone, and a tiny Poodle with the name 'Spot' on his collar.

'What on earth..? What are you doing here?' snarled Snape.

'I, Snivellus, am here to gather members for my club' said Sirius.

'Club?' said Snape.

'Yes, my 'members only' club' said Sirius.

Snape shook his head.

'What I can't believe, Black, is the fact that you sit on your lazy arse all day whilst people like me have to work' spat Snape. 'Always were the lazy good for nothing type weren't you? You and bloaty head Potter. And you're still the same today. I take it this club is for people who have no ambition and want to sit on their backsides all day long? Or perhaps a 'freaks club', judging from the way you look'

'Better to laze around doing nothing than be a greasy haired, hook nosed moron' sneered Sirius.

Snape clenched his fists.

'How's Lord Voldy? Or should I say Moley? said Sirius, picking leaves out of his hair. 'Been spying for him with that great greasy gigantic nose of yours?'

'None of your business' spat Snape.

'Anyway Sniv, lets not argue, we can't waste time' said Sirius.

'I beg your pardon?' said Snape.

'What piercing would you like for your member?'

'I certainly do not intend to let you anywhere near my member!' said Snape.

'Aww come on Snivelly, just a little piercing? You can have a nice little poodle like me'

'For your information, Black, I already have my member pierced' said Snape.

'Ohhh can I see it?' said Sirius excitedly.

'No you cannot. Now begone you lazy long haired good for nothing freak' said Snape.

Snape turned to walk away but was suddenly turned upside down with his robes over his head, revealing a pair of greying underpants which read 'POTIONS KICKS BUTT' on the front.

'Tut tut Snivelly' sighed Sirius. 'It always has to come to this doesn't it? It's a nice day for walking around naked. Care to strip?'

'Put me down you fool!' snarled Snape. 'I'm warning you Black, let me go'

'All in good time Sniv, All in good time. First, I would like to give you a little shower'

Sirius swished his wand and a jet of ice cold water sprayed from it.

'Ahhhhhhhhh!' screamed Snape. 'Stop it! Stop it!'

'Care for some soap?' said Sirius

'You little shi-hhhmmmphhhhh' said Snape, his mouth full of bubbles.

Sirius flicked his wand, and Snape's wand appeared in his hand.

'Nice wand that you have' smirked Sirius. 'Perhaps you would care to show the rest of Hogwarts your other wand. You know, the three inches maple wand with pubic hair'

'Put me down Black, I'm warning you!'

'But it's getting good Sniv. Care to dry off?'

Several towels shot from Sirius' wand and smacked Snape in the face.

Sirius flicked his wand and Snape was completely naked.

He had a nipple ring of a break dancing trophy. On his member there was a piercing of a tiny potions bottle which read 'Snape's home brew, especially for you!'

Sirius burst out laughing. 'Very nice Snivelly. I think we will make a few changes to that potion bottle'

He flicked his wand. The bottle on Snape's member began to bubble.

'Just a little itching potion!' said Sirius. 'Well, it's been nice talking to you Snivelly, but I really must go now. Cheers for the wand!'

Sirius then ran off. Snape fell to the ground with a thud.

'I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS BLACK!' he screamed, scratching his privates like mad.

Noises from Hagird's hut could be heard. 'Oooh Hagrid, do it again, right on there, oh you saucy giant!'

Snape snarled. He decided to tip-toe towards the school, hoping he wouldn't be seen. Unfortunately he was.

'POTTER!' he screamed, covering up his privates and scratching them at the same time.

Harry and Hermione stood in the entrance hall along with loads of other students (Ron had fainted due to Hermione's Dumbledore confession and was currently in the hospital wing).

'MY OFFICE NOW!' shouted Snape.

'But, sir, I don't underst-'

'MY OFFICE NOW!' repeated Snape.

Snape turned to walk off.

'Harry! Did you see?' said Hermione. 'Snape had some weird potions bottle attached to his…erm..member. It was bubbling. It looked like a piercing'

'A piercing? but why-' Harry paused.

He looked at Hermione.

Hermione looked at him.

'Sirius' they both said in unison.   

A/N Please review.


	20. Veritaserum

CHAPTER 20

Disclaimer: If we owned all the characters, do you really think we'd be writing this shit?

Harry made his way into Snape's office scowling. Trust Sirius to get him into trouble.

'Sir, I-'

'Shut up!' spat Snape. 'Detention. This evening. My office. Five o' clock'.

It seemed to take Snape great effort to get these words out, which expressed his anger.

'But Sir- '

'You will report here at the given time or else it will be a whole months worth' spat Snape.

'But-'

'And you can tell that disgusting freak of a godfather that if I ever catch him lingering around in the grounds again, there will be trouble'.

'But Sir, I didn't know he was here! It has nothing to do with me what he did!'

'Potter, he is your godfather. He communicates with you. He is connected with you. Therefore, it is your fault. Everything is your fault. It is your fault that I have been publicly humiliated. I do not wish for my private parts to be flashed around the school. Your godfather is a nasty unpleasant freak'.

'Is that so?' said Harry. He could feel his temper rising.

'Yes said Snape. I will be deducting 150 points from Griffindor for this Potter, and, bear in mind that more will be deducted if this happens again'.

'There's a surprise' snarled Harry.

'Now get out of my sight'

'Fine' said Harry. He turned and stomped off.

Next morning Harry was in a foul mood. He had spent the previous evening cleaning out Snape's entire office and storeroom without magic. His back was still aching from bending over and lifting things.

'Goddam potions next' said Ron.

'Sirius won't be coming into the grounds again will he Harry? Because he will cause trouble' said Hermione.

'How should I know? It's not my fault' snapped Harry.

The trio finished their breakfast and made their way to the dungeons. They picked seats together at the back.

Snape strolled in.

'Settle down' He said lazily.

'Today, we shall be mixing a potion which many of you may have heard of before. It is a very strong truth potion called Veritaserum. The ingredients are on the board (he flicked his wand) as is the method'.

The class got up to start.

'I don't remember telling you all to start' spat Snape. 'You will work in pairs for this potion as it is complicated'.

Harry moved towards Ron.

Snape's lip curled into an unpleasant smirk.

'I will be assigning your partners'.

'Weasley, you will work with Crabbe'

Ron groaned and moved to the table where Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were sat.

'Miss Granger, you will move beside Miss Parkinson'

Hermione scowled. She moved over to Pansy Parkinson, who gave Hermione a filthy look, which she returned.

'Finnigan, you will partner Goyle'

'Longbottom, over there by Miss Bullstrode'

Neville looked positively terrified at the idea of having Millicent Bullstrode as a partner.

Snape made his way through the class. Finally his eyes rested on Harry.

'Potter, over to that empty table with Mr Malfoy' smirked Snape.

Harry scowled. He picked up his bag and dumped it onto the spare table. Malfoy made his way over, smirking.

'Now, you may begin' said Snape unpleasantly.

'What's the matter Potter? Missing Weaselbee already?' sneered Malfoy.

'Don't start' snarled Harry.

'You can get the ingredients Potter' said Malfoy, leaning back on his chair and putting his hands behind his head.

'Get them yourself' spat Harry.

'Tut tut Potter, it's time you started to respect your superiors. You have to understand that I, unlike you, don't deserve to do all the work'

'Yeah?' said Harry. 'Well you, unlike me, are a complete shithead. So you can get them yourself'

'Sir!' whined Malfoy. 'Sir! Potter is making me do all the work. He's making me collect all the ingredients'.

Snape looked up. 'Potter, get the ingredients'.

Harry gritted his teeth and stomped off to the storeroom.

Minutes later, he was back with a large quantity of ingredients in his arms.

'Miss me?' smirked Malfoy.

'In your dreams' said Harry.

Ron, who was working on the table next to Harry and Malfoy, was currently losing his temper with Crabbe.

'Are you thick?' He said. 'Where are the ingredients that you went to collect? Don't tell me you forgot them?'

Crabbe grunted and shrugged his shoulders.

'For god's sake! What the hell were you doing? I'll get them myself' he spat and sped off to the storeroom.

Hermione wasn't having much luck with Pansy either.

'Ewwwww' shrieked Pansy. 'If you expect me to touch those ingredients after you've handled them then you've got another thing coming Granger!'

'Oh for heavens sake, grow up Parkinson!' spat Hermione.

'You can do it' said Pansy. 'I'm not touching anything with mudblood germs on them'.

'Fine!' snarled Hermione. 'I wouldn't let you handle this potion anyway, seeing as your as thick as two short planks!'

Neville was currently hiding behind his cauldron, as Millicent attempted to pound up the ingredients with her overlarge fists. He wouldn't want to get too near her, she was more of a man than he was.

Harry began to cut up his ingredients, and much to his surprise, Malfoy began to help him.

'Decided to get off your lazy arse then?' said Harry.

Malfoy smirked, then pushed most of the ingredients to Harry's side, leaving himself with only two ingredients to cut up.

Harry sighed.

Ron was pounding his ingredients noisily. Crabbe was just about to add the first ingredient when Ron stopped him.

'Don't do that. It says to add _this_ before _that. _It says so on the blackboard. Can't you read?'

Crabbe strained his eyes.

'Stupid question' sighed Ron. He continued to pound his ingredients.

'Keep it down Weaselbee' said Malfoy rather loudly. 'Some of us are trying to work'.

'Shove off Malfoy' said Ron.

'Ohhh, not very friendly' sneered Malfoy.

Ron ignored him.

'Move over Potter, I'm cramped up here' said Malfoy, pushing Harry.

Harry felt a funny feeling surge through him, and decided to ignore it.

'I do feel sorry', said Malfoy loudly, 'For people who have to _share _bedrooms. I hate being cramped up in one space. I like a nice big _wide _space'

'Yeah?' said Harry, 'bet you don't get much space Malfoy, seeing as you spend most of your time stuck between Crabbe and Goyle'

'Better than the company you keep Potter'

'Yeah?' said Harry 'well at least I can actually communicate with the company I keep. Bet you spend most of your time teaching Crabbe and Goyle how to talk'

Malfoy shot Harry a dirty look, then glanced at Crabbe, who was picking his nose, then glanced back to Harry, smirking.

'Bet there isn't much space at Weaselbee's house is there Potter? I suppose you all sleep in one room. Bet that must be difficult, considering the size of Weaselbee's mother'

Ron flipped. He picked up some testicles of a newt and went to throw them at Malfoy. Unfortunately, Crabbe got in the way, and they rebounded off Crabbe's head and landed straight into Lavender Brown's lap as she sat cutting ingredients.

Lavender screamed.

'What is this?' said Snape angrily, looking up from marking papers.

'Sir!' said Malfoy 'Sir, Weasley threw some-'

'OH FUCK OFF YOU STUPID FERRET!' shouted Ron.

'Detention Weasley. And 50 points from Griffindor for throwing whatever it was that you threw at Mr Malfoy' said Snape, returning to his papers.

Ron went back to pounding his ingredients fifty times harder, sending bits everywhere and splattering Parvati Patil at the next table.

'Be aware', said Snape, 'That your potion will be tested at the end. He glanced at Harry unpleasantly as he said this.

Harry's insides gave a squirm. He knew he would be selected for testing.

Meanwhile, over at Hermione's table, Pansy Parkinson had decided to take over the potion-making, desperate to prove she was smarter than Hermione.

'Noooooooo!' shrieked Hermione. 'What are you doing? That goes in after the Newts testicles! (she blushed as she said this) Let me do it!'

'Sod off Granger! You're just an interfering know-it-all!'

'Better than being thick!' said Hermione.

She went to grab the frogs brain that Pansy was holding.

'Don't touch me Ganger, I don't want your mudblood germs polluting me!'

'Give it here you stupid cow!'

'No!'

'Give it to me Parkinson or else!'

'Or else what? What are you going to do, suffocate me with that bush on your head?'

Hermione went to grab the brain. She succeeded, but unfortunately the brain slipped out of her hand and smacked Malfoy right in the face.

'Nice one Hermione!' said Ron.

Malfoy rubbed his smarting face and shot a look of pure venom at Hermione.

'Oh Drakey! Are you alright? Did the stupid Mudblood hurt you?' said Pansy.

Malfoy ignored her.

Hermione shot a filthy look at Pansy, then went to retrieve the brain from Crabbe, snatching it out of his hands.

Half an hour later, Snape spoke up.

'Your potion should now be gently steaming'.

Harry glanced at his cauldron. There was no steam whatsoever. Ron's seemed to be sending sparks everywhere.

'Well, well' said Snape. 'Since Miss Granger's and Miss Parkinson's cauldron seems to be the only one giving off steam, we shall test theirs. Miss Granger, gather some of your potion in a flask and bring it up here'.

Hermione collected some potion and took it to Snape's desk.

'Now', said Snape glancing around with a smirk. 'Who shall test it?'

The class exchanged worried looks.

'Potter!' said Snape. 'Up here now!'

Harry sighed. He had expected this. His insides gave a horrible squirm.

Snape pulled out a chair.

'Sit' he said.

Harry sat on the chair in-front of the class.

Malfoy waved at him.

He scowled.

'Open your mouth' said Snape.

Harry opened his mouth and Snape allowed a couple of drops to make their way onto Harry's tongue.

'Now', said Snape, smirking. 'Would anyone care to ask Potter any questions?'

The class stared at each other.

Snape settled into his chair, clearly enjoying himself.

'I have a question' said Malfoy, sneering. 'Have you ever seen Weasley naked?'

'Yes' said Harry, in some sort of trance.

'Does he have ginger pubes?' sneered Malfoy.

'Yes'

The class sniggered. Ron looked furious.

'Shut it Malfoy' he said.

'Oh I'm not finished yet' smirked Malfoy. 'Tell me Potter, is Weasley's mother fat?'

'Yes' said Harry.

The class sniggered.

'I have a question!' said Seamus Finnigan suddenly. 'Who do you fancy at Hogwarts?'

'I used to fancy Cho Chang' said Harry, in a monotone voice. 'Then it was Marcus Flint. But now I fancy Draco Malfoy. He has nice firm buttocks'

Ron and Hermione looked horrified, as did Pansy Parkinson. Most of the Slytherins were sniggering. Malfoy was smirking. Snape had stopped smirking, and was glancing at Harry with a shocked look on his face.

'You keep your hands off my Drakey!' shrieked Pansy.

'What's your fantasy Potter?' said Malfoy, enjoying himself.

'I would like to see Draco Malfoy on my bed covered in Honeydukes chocolate. Preferably strawberry flavour'.

Ron was opening and closing his mouth like a fish in disbelief. Hermione's hand shot to her mouth. Pansy looked furious. The rest of the class were sniggering.

'Do you wear women's underwear?' said Seamus, who had tears of laughter running down his cheeks.

'Yes' said Harry. 'I borrow Hermione Granger's underwear'

Malfoy snorted.

'Ewwwwww!' shrieked Pansy. 'Potter wears mudblood panties!' she made a retching sound.

'Ooooohhhh' shrieked Lavender Brown. 'What type of underwear? What make-up brands do you like? Do you wear a bra? If so, is it a front fastener or back fastener? I prefer the front fastener personally. Ooooohhhh, got any fashion tips?'

'I wear lacy white panties' said Harry. 'I like any brand of make-up. I wear a bra occasionally. I prefer back fasteners. I would advise everyone to wear a thong from time to time as it lets the buttocks breathe'

Lavender and Parvati nodded in agreement. The class was in hysterics. Seamus had tears running down his face and even Neville looked like he was trying not to laugh.

'Hey Potter, what's it like sharing a dormitory with Weasley?' said Malfoy. 'Do his clothes stink the place out? Who snores the loudest? Have you seen them all naked? who's got the smallest dick?'

'Ronald Weasley's clothes smell like he has rolled in dog excrement' came Harry's monotone voice. 'Neville Longbottom sounds like a couple of elephants mating when he snores. I have seen Neville Longbottom, Ronald Weasley, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas naked. Seamus Finnigan has a microscopic penis'

Seamus stopped laughing.

Ron's face was contorted with fury. Hermione was still standing with her mouth open.

Hermione closed her mouth. She suddenly spoke.

'Tell me Harry' (she seemed to have an annoyed look on her face) 'did you mean it when you apologized that time for saying I had facial hair? You know, when we had that Quidditch celebration and you got drunk and said I had facial hair and an afro. Are you really sorry for saying that?'

'No'

'So you're saying I have facial hair?'

'Yes'

'How much facial hair do I have?'

'Too much'

'What about my hair? Does it look like an afro to you?'

'Yes'

'Does Granger's hair look like a pile of pubes?' piped up Malfoy.

'Yes'

'She's a right know-it-all chipmunk isn't she?' continued Malfoy.

'Yes'

Hermione had had enough. She picked up some dried doxy droppings and threw them at Malfoy, showering him with them. She wasn't finished. She ran up to him and started punching him furiously.

'YOU DISGUSTING FERRET! HOW DARE YOU ASK SUCH QUESTIONS!'

'DON'T TOUCH ME YOU FILTHY LITTLE MUDBLOOD! IT AIN'T MY FAULT POTTER THINKS YOU LOOK LIKE A BUSHY HAIRED BEAVER!' yelled Malfoy.

Pansy immediately ran over to Hermione and pulled her off Malfoy.

'LEAVE MY DRAKEY ALONE YOU MUDBLOOD COW'

'GET OFF ME BITCH!'

'FUCK OFF BEAVER FACE!'

Hermione picked up some spare newts testicles and flung them in Pansy's face.

'EAT THOSE YOU BITCH'

'GET THOSE TESTICLES AWAY FROM ME MUDBLOOD!'

'HEY POTTER!' yelled Malfoy 'DOES GRANGER HAVE TESTICLES?'

'yes' came the monotone voice.

'WHAT?! THAT IS A GODDAM LIE! I DO NOT NOT HAVE TESTICLES! MALFOY YOU STINKING FERRET! YOU-'

'ENOUGH!' yelled Snape.

There was silence.

'I think we can safely say that the potion worked' said Snape, sneering.

'But sir! The bit about the testicles was a lie! I haven't-'

'Silence Miss Granger! 200 points from Griffindor for attacking Mr Malfoy'

'That's unfair!' said Ron.

'Detention Weasley' sneered Snape. 'Class dismissed'

The classroom began to empty. Hermione and Ron did not wait for Harry. Unknown to him, they had both made a mental note never to speak to him again.

A/N See the little submit review button in the corner? Press the bitch!


	21. The Villain's Hideout

Disclaimer: We own nothing, except for book 6, which is probably the best book in the series apart from the death of a character we love very much! Why oh why does JK do this to us? Anyway, we haven't updated for over a year so this chapter is crap.

CHAPTER 21

_The Villain's hideout_

Moleymort settled himself down with a mug of cocoa and slipped on his AQUA CD. Whilst bobbing along to 'Barbie Girl', he began to think of different ways in which he could defeat the wretched Sourwartman. The caravan began to rock. Wormtail was obviously entertaining his inflatable Winky doll. Furious, Moley pressed pause on the CD player.

That was it. Anyone who interrupted his Barbie Girl would suffer severe punishment.

"WORMDICK! YOU DISGUSTING WAT!" yelled Moley, hammering on the extremely thin caravan door.

"Y-yes master?" came Wormdick's squeak.

"GET OUT HERE!"

There was a shuffle and the sound of an inflatable doll losing its air. Either that or Wormdick had a serious case of squeaky flatulence. He emerged, red in the face.

"Bwing to me a stwawbewwy push pop, a can of diet coke, some pwawn cocktail cwisps and a lemon wefwesher."

"B-but master, it's too – "

"DO AS I SAY YOU BALD HEADED TWERP!" bellowed Moley.

"Yes master," squeaked Wormdick, and left to go to Woolworths.

Moley smiled, glad to be rid of Wormdick, and went back to his 'Barbie Girl', humming 'come on Barbie let's go party."

Suddenly, the caravan door burst open and Lucius Malfoy strolled in. Moley huffed. So much for getting some peace.

"What?" he snapped.

"My Lord," said Lucius. "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

Moley sat up, interested but slightly worried.

"What?"

"The ministry have been tipped off. Someone has let our hideout slip."

Moley's white face contorted with fury.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"Sourwartman, Lord. He tipped them off."

Moley clutched his AQUA CD case so hard that it cracked. So Sourwartman had told the ministry were Moley and his mole eaters were hiding. That really pissed Moley off. He was proud of his 1960's caravan. And NO ONE, not even that idiot Sourwartman, would take it away from him.

"My Lord, we could always find a different hiding place. There's a lovely campsite somewhere in Cornwall that we could go to. I could get us some sleeping bags and a tent, if you wish."

Moley snorted.

"Live in a tent? Moi? What are you suggesting Lucius?"

"My Lord, I was merely suggesting that we get another – "

"I WANT MY CAWAVAN! NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE MY CAWAVAN AWAY FROM ME! I WEFUSE TO LIVE IN A STINKY TENT!" shouted Moley, banging his white fists on the caravan seat.

"Of course Lord, of course," said Lucius, holding up his hands and backing away.

"Where does this Sourwartman live?" asked Moley.

"He lives in a tent not far from here."

A tent? Moley felt proud of his caravan once again.

"Come Lucius, take me to this Sourwartman's tent. I shall make him pay for blabbing about my pwecious cawavan."

"I – oh very well Lord. Yes let's go."

Before they left, Moley wrote a note for Wormdick:

_Wormdick,_

_Gone to Sourwartman's hideout. He has tipped the ministry off. They now know where we are hiding. Leave the sweets and stuff in the fridge. _

_Do not use my CD's._

_Do not use the sink, cooker, shower, and especially the toilet. _

_No inflatable elf shagging. _

_I need some more shopping. Go to the supermarket (preferably Safeway) and get the following:_

_Some air refresher_

_Some bog roll_

_Some muffins_

_Some Shake 'n' Vac_

_Crisps_

_Anti wrinkling cream (for my skin)_

_Any Michael Jackson CD_

_See you soon_

_Moley._

_P.S. Lucius would like some Herbal Essences shampoo, and some bleach (for the hair)._

And with that, Moley and Lucius set off to find Sourwartman's hideout.

Moley strolled along, humming a song and thinking of ways to get revenge on Sourwartman.

"Well?" he demanded, after following Lucius for thirty minutes. "Where is it? It had better not be much further, Lucius. My feet are aching."

Lucius stopped suddenly.

"What?" asked Moley. "Have we reached it? Are we ready to invade?"

Lucius pointed at something. Moley's eyes followed Lucius's finger and he was shocked at what he saw.

There, in the middle of the tents, stood a big tent, made entirely of banana peel. Sourwartman's face was plastered on the front, cheesy grin and all. A big sign on the front read:

ANYONE WHO DARES TO ENTER THE GREAT SOURWARTMAN'S HIDEOUT SHALL FACE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES. I HAVE A BIG BANANA, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT. I ALSO HAVE A BIG WART, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THAT EITHER, SO ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. HAVE A NICE DAY. Lucius turned to face his master. "Lord, shall we – " he stopped dead, shocked at the look on his master's face. Moley was sweating and muttering something inaudible. "Master, are you alright?" asked Lucius, his pale blond eyebrows raised. "Afwaid ohfhfh nanas," mumbled Moley. "Sorry? What was that?" Moley gulped. He had to admit his fear. Lucius was his most trusted mole eater. Lucius wouldn't make fun of him. Moley took a deep breath. "Lucius, I'm fwaid oh nanas." "Sorry, didn't quite get that, my Lord." "I'M AFRAID OF BANANAS!" bellowed Moley, his white face slightly flushed. Lucius kept a serious face. "Of course my Lord. We can leave if you wish. I'm sure Sourwartman has quite a few big bananas. Maybe we should leave it – " "No," said Moley firmly. "I want to talk to this Sourwartman. I shall challenge him and tell him to keep his banana away from me." Moley stomped off towards the tent. Behind his back, Moley's most trusted mole eater stuffed his fist into his mouth, to surpress laughter. 

Moley stomped forward, determined. He went up to the tent and starting hammering on the banana door.

"Sourwartman! Come out here and fight like a man! My mole can beat your banana any day! My mole can destroy your wart! You - "

"Er Lord, it seems that he isn't in," said Lucius approaching the tent. "Perhaps we should return to the cawavan, er I mean caravan. It'll be a while before the ministry catch us up, why don't we go back and pop on a bit of Elvis, relax, and return later?"

"NO!" screamed Moley. "I want him to face my mighty mole NOW!"

"Come on Lord," cooed Lucius. "We can go and relax. We can have some crisps."

Moley stopped banging on the door and looked at him.

"Cwisps?" he said.

"Yes, crisps." Said Lucius.

"Pwawn cocktail?"

"Yes Lord, pwawn – I mean prawn cocktail."

"Very well," said Moley. "I shall go back, listen to some Elvis, have my pwawn cocktail cwisps and return later with my mole eaters. Banana man won't know what's hit him. My mole will squash his wart in an instant. Lucius, leave the mark."

Moleymort turned to leave, and Lucius pulled out his wand. He pointed it at the picture of Sourwartman's face and instantly, a large mole with a snake wrapped around it appeared. Sighing, Lucius followed his master.

Harry Potter slammed his bag down on the floor of the divination classroom. What a shit day he was having. Ron and Hermione were refusing to speak to him, he'd been turfed out of the dormitory because Seamus, Dean, and Neville refused to let him in there and to top it all, Malfoy had produced a batch of badges, all bearing the words:

Potter wears mudblood panties 

Which, when tapped, turned into the words:

Potter is a dirty bitch 

All this because of shithead Snape forcing him to take Veritaserum. Harry vowed never to set foot in Snape's classroom again, no matter how many detentions he got.

He coughed, unable to stand the sickly perfumy scent of Trelawney's classroom. It reminded him too much of her and Ron's little sordid moments, when the dormitory had stank of her perfume.

He sat miserably at a table on his own, staring at the crystal ball in front of him. Then he saw Ron's ginger head pop out of the trapdoor, then Dean, then Seamus, then Neville, all of which threw him a dirty look and seated themselves at a round table not far away.

Soon the classroom filled up. Harry spent most of the lesson gritting his teeth, as Ron, Seamus, Dean and Neville kept throwing him evil looks and Trelawney continued to predict his death.

Finally, in the usual Harry way, he snapped, and hurled the crystal ball at the wall where Ron was sat. Trelawney would have let Harry off, if it hadn't been for Ron calling him a bastard and then Harry retorting that Ron should go and shag Trelawney and get her to shave his ginger pubes.

As usual, Harry ended up with detention, and there was now even less chance of him making up with Ron. Not that he cared. The ginger idiot should have supported him rather than be like that. It wasn't _his_ fault that Snape had force fed him Veritaserum.

Meanwhile, Hermione had produced a sign and had stuck it to her back. It read:

I DO NOT HAVE TESTICLES

Unfortunately, unknown to her, Draco Malfoy had bewitched the sign, so that it now read:

I DO HAVE TESTICLES

Harry would have told her this, if hadn't been for the fact that she refused to speak to him.

Harry certainly wasn't popular. Most of the Griffindors wouldn't speak to him. Seamus had nearly hexed him when someone (no doubt Malfoy) sent a letter about penis enlargement during breakfast (this was due to Harry revealing that Seamus had a microscopic penis, during Harry's Veritaserum moment).

Moley screwed up the empty crisp packet and chucked it into the bin. Sighing, he strolled over to his CD rack and flicked through his collection. He was just contemplating whether or not to stick on his EAST 17 CD, when Lucius burst in.

"Lord, Sourwartman has been spotted on the beach."

Moley replaced the CD and stood up. He glanced at the clock. It was still early. Plenty of time to go down to the beach, battle it out with Sourwartman, and then have a paddle and maybe even a donkey ride.

He gathered up his mole eaters and set off to teach Sourwartman a lesson.

Harry sat down for dinner alone. Ron and Hermione were not far away and were still not speaking to him. Suddenly, something that Hermione said caused him to look up.

"There's been rumours Ron, he could return!" she was saying.

"What do you mean, return?" said Ron.

"He's been sighted, apparently somewhere in Skegness!"

Ron stared at her.

"What's Skegness?" he asked.

"Oh honestly Ron, Skegness is a muggle holiday resort, with very dirty seawater. You can have donkey rides and stuff."

"Oh."

"Anyway, this new villain has tipped the ministry off about you-know-who's hideout. Rumour has it that he's staying in a caravan!"

"What's a caravan?"

"_Oh honestly Ron!_ A caravan is a mobile house that people stay in when they go on holiday."

"Oh."

"Sounds like your kind of house Weasley," drawled Malfoy who happened to be passing. "Perfect for cramming in your whole family, though your mother might be too fat."

Ron reached for his wand but Hermione stopped him.

"That's right Granger, wouldn't want any trouble would we? You need to be careful not to put too much strain on those testicles."

He stalked off, sniggering. Hermione carried on.

"Anyway, Ron, the ministry are going to investigate the caravan site as soon as possible!"

As Hermione said this, Harry's hand shot up to his head, his scar burning…


	22. CAT FIGHT

Disclaimer – I own all the Harry Potter books and Sirius's left buttock. However, I do not own any intelligence.

CAT FIGHT

In a dark dingy town on a cold windy night walked a man. Through the dark streets he trailed with one agenda fixed firmly in his mind... revenge. Coming to the end of his journey, he entered the building most hated in his mind... Woolworths.

"How could you do this to me?" the he screamed as he approached the till. "I sent my dogsbody here for a push pop and he said there was none here. This is a disgwace. I would expect this of a shit heap like Morrisons but not you. You have bwoken my heart and my twust". Moleymort then collapsed in tears as the alarmed checkout lady called security.

On the checkout next to Moleymort a man, wearing banana boots, approached. "Hey up darlin'. What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?" said Sourwartman with a letchy smile as he placed his big baby bop on the counter. The employee looking horrified flung herself on the woman from Moleymorts till and tried to wrestle the phone off her so she could call the police. Moleymorts checkout lady slapped Sourwartmans checkout lady round the face, which echoed throughout the store attracting everyone's attention. Sourwatmans checkout lady retaliated by digging her nails into the others face screaming "that'll teach you you old bitch, and I know you snogged my boyfriend at the Christmas party".

By now a crowd of customers had accumulated around the scene cheering with one man shouting, "Yeah, take your top off". It was then that Moleymort pulled himself off the floor to see what was happening that he noticed Sourwartman standing next to him.

"You stupid tramp" he screamed as he pounced on Sourwartman making his cape fly in the air "Lucius is my mole". Using both hands Sourwartman started to repeatedly slap Moleymort on the top of the head saying, "his mole belongs to me". Moleymort, whilst screaming, "you're ruining my hair" managed to get hold of Sourwartmans hand and bite it. The crowd was now encircling the two strangely dressed middle aged men fighting like a couple of sissy girls and out of nowhere appeared Lee Jordan with his trumpet microphone and he promptly started to commentate the fight.

"And this is now becoming a very ugly battle between mole and wart.. oooh is that legal". Sourwartman had just kneed Moleymort in the crotch. "Well" boomed Lee's voice, "if Rita Skeeter quoted accurately, there isn't much to hit there". By now they were both tugging at each others hair screaming, "cow", "slag", "whore", "chav", "banoffee bitch", "moley minger". "Ooooh this is becoming ugly, it seems Sourwartman wins out on the hair pulling so Moleymort is now changing tactics, oh my, ladies and gentleman have you ever seen anything so brutal". The pair were now locked in a vicious peanuts tournament. "By the sound of Sourwartmans girlish screams I think Moleymort is likely to win out on this one".

By now the crowd were going crazy and due to the violent atmosphere, small scraps were starting to break out. "That's my Girls Aloud CD" said one man dressed in a suit to another man called Andy who was known as the village tramp as he was known for sleeping with anything that walks, having girly hair and having one the most repugnant personality ever known. The man in the suit started to try and prise Andy's ahnds of the CD. Andy was obviously very keen on purchasing the last Girls Aloud album as he attempted to detach the man from his precious CD by screaming "RAPE!" hoping someone would come to his rescue. But the people around were far too busy with their own fights. Fearing for his life, Lee Jordan disapparated.

Sirens could be heard outside the store and minutes later armed police ran in and started incapacitating random people with tazors and beating people to the ground with batons. Both Moleymort and Sourwartman were handcuffed and forced into police cars. Andy was also handcuffed and taken away by police while screaming "just give me my CD, pleeeease". As he was driven away in a separate police car his sobbing voice could be heard singing "my life got cold, it happened many years when summer slipped away."

As Moleymort was driven to the police station he hung his head in shame. Fifty years of getting away with countless murders and he's jailed for having a cat fight with a giant banana in the middle of a confectionary outlet.

Moleymort was later told that he was to stay in a cell for a while to cool off. A policeman transported him to a big heavy door and shoved him in. On looking around his dim surroundings he saw what was to be his cell mate for the next few days, it was Andy, the village tramp. Andy looked Moleymort up and down and said whilst grinning, "hey babe, if you get cold during the night, you know where I am. I don't mean to brag but I've got balls the size of beanbags". Moleymort shuffled up to the furthest end of the cell having a very strong suspicion that by the time he gets out of here he will have an arsehole like a wizards sleeve.


	23. Moley's New Plan

Disclaimer: We own nothing but the plot. Not that there is a plot. We're just taking JKR's amazing characters and having some fun. We mean no harm to any moles, bananas, poodles or residents of Skegness.

Chapter 23 – Moley's new plan.

Moleymort huffed. He was not a happy moley. After getting into a fight with the muggle police and being released with a caution (and possibly because the police were too scared of him to lock him up), Moley decided to head back to his caravan. His fists clenched. Boy was he going to teach that Sourwartman a lesson. He had to get his arse back to his caravan, gather his stuff, and get the hell out of there, now that the ministry knew where his hideout was. Trouble was he didn't know his way round Skegness. He was sickened that his "faithful" mole eaters hadn't even come to his

rescue.

He trampled onto a tourist bus, asking the driver if it went to the caravan site where he was currently hiding out. The driver looked at him suspiciously.

"This bus goes past Happy Holidays campsite, sir," he said, giving Moley a very suspicious look. Well, it was hardly surprising for someone who had red eyes, slits for a nose and a bald head.

"Yes that's the one," snapped Moley. "How much?"

"That will be five pounds, sir," said the bus driver.

Moley reached into his robe and pulled out a knut. Shrugging, he handed it to the bus driver, who frowned.

"What the hell is that?" the bus driver asked, suddenly dropping his polite manner.

"What the hell does it look like you stupid pwat," said Moley.

"I'm sorry, I can't accept that. I only take notes or pound coins."

"You'll take me to the campsite now," said Moley, stamping his foot.

"Look here," said the driver, "I want you off this bus or there'll be trouble."

"Get lost asshole," screamed Moley.

"Get off this bus, you bald headed freak," spat the driver.

That did it. Moley pulled out his wand.

"You dare to call me a bald headed freak?"

Suddenly, a familiar figure stepped onto the bus. Moley stared down to see a pair of banana boots. Sourwartman.

"Happy Holidays campsite please," said Sourwartman, handing over some muggle money. He turned and glanced at Moley. "Oh it's you. Managed to get past the police eh? I'm still better than you. You'll never win."

He blew a raspberry at Moley. Moley's eyes turned even redder. Smoke poured from his ears.

"YOU STUPID FAT BANANA WART!" he screamed. "YOU'LL PAY FOR REVEALING MY HIDEOUT TO THE MINISTRY. I SHALL SQUASH YOUR BANANAS AND FLATTEN YOUR WARTS. I SHALL HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION. I – "

"Hello!" said a cheery voice. Moley and sourwartman turned. Standing there, in the bus doorway, was a completely naked man with a piercing of a poodle.

"Lovely day for a piercing isn't it?" asked Sirius cheerfully. "I'm on holiday at the moment, you know, trying to travel a bit for new members for my club. Care to join?"

"What's this about a club?" asked Sourwartman. "If it's got bananas or warts in it, then I'm in."

"Of course there's bananas!" said Sirius. "That's what it's all about! Getting your banana pierced! Now what would you like?"

"Make mine a wart!" cried Sourwartman. "Right on my banana!"

"A wart it is then!" said Sirius happily. "Come on then, let's – "

"Stop this nonsense!" screamed Moley. "I need to get back to my cawavan!"

"Ohhhhh shall I give you a piercing of a caravan?" asked Sirius.

"LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID PAIR OF IDIOTS!" cried Moley.

He stomped off the bus. He'd walk back to the caravan if he had to. Suddenly he caught sight of a blond head in the distance.

"Luuuuuccccciiiiisssssss!" bellowed Moley.

Lucius Malfoy turned and his eyes widened when he saw Moley.

"My Lord!" he cried. "We've been so worried. We thought you'd gone off to Woolworths to get a push pop and next thing we know you've been chucked in a cell. How are you?"

"Well thanks for coming to wescue me," snapped Moley.

"But My Lord, I – "

"Where's Wormdick?"

"He's back at the caravan with his inflatable elf."

"Get me back to the cawavan!" bellowed Moley.

"But Lord – "

"I WANT MY CAWAVAN!"

"Yes, okay, as you wish."

Lucius apparated them back. As soon as Moley appeared inside the caravan, he rushed to his CD player and stuck on his party album. After five hours of "Timewarp" on repeat, Moley ordered his mole eaters to start packing their stuff.

"We need to get out of here," said Moley. "I don't want to leave my cawavan but we have no choice. The ministry are on our tail."

"My Lord, the only alternative place I could find was a campsite in Blackpool. I'm afraid we have no choice – "

"Fine," spat Moley. "But I get the biggest tent."

"As you wish, my Lord."

"Wormdick!" screamed Moley. "Get out here and start packing my CD player!"

"Y – yes, my Lord," squeaked Wormdick. He came out, inflatable elf and all.

The next five hours consisted of the mole eaters trying to find their stuff to take to the campsite.

"Where's my makeup?" screamed Bellatrix.

"In my bedroom!" squeaked Wormdick.

"Where's my bleach?" yelled Lucius.

"In the toilet!" screamed Moley. "Where's my "Take That" CD?"

"In my handbag!" shouted Rodolphus.

"Where's my axe?" shouted McNair.

"Where's my piercing equipment?" cried Sirius, who appeared in the doorway.

Suddenly Sourwartman appeared.

"Mwwhaaaa! I have your equipment. Now I can start my own club! I'll call it the "Wart Club" and I'll have more members than you! And as for you, you stupid Moley, you and your mole eaters will never escape the ministry. You are doomed! I have won! Mwwwhhhhaaaa! Good day!"

And he ran off, an angry Sirius chasing him.

"Arrrrggggghhhhhhh!" screamed Moley in frustration. "That stupid sour wart has won! I'm not happy! Lucius, take us all to the campsite."

"Yes my Lord. We can use my hair bow as a portkey."

"Yes, take us now!" screamed Moley. Just as the mole eaters all gathered towards the portkey, the caravan door burst open and a handful of ministry officials rushed in. But before they could seize Moley and his faithful mole eaters, they were gone. They arrived in Blackpool.

"Where's the tent?" snapped Moley.

"It's these ones over here. I've got it sorted already, my Lord."

Lucius led them to a bunch of tents.

"What the hell is that!" said Moley, pointing to a small tent. "How am I supposed to fit in there? What about my CD player? What about Nagini? I demand a bigger tent!"

"My Lord, you could have this one," said Lucius, showing Moley a slightly larger tent.

"Still not big enough!" said Moley.

"I'm sorry, my Lord. But that is all there is."

"Very well," snapped Moley. "Did you bwing my pwawn cocktail cwisps?"

"Yes, my Lord. All thirty packets."

"Good."

After much brawling amongst the mole eaters over who got which tent, they finally settled around a campfire.

"Let us sing," said Moley. "It will help me think of a plan for us. All together now: Cum – by – ah, my Lord, cum – by – ah, oh looordddd, cum – by – ah."

After many renditions of "Cum – by – ah" and "She'll be coming round the mountain", Moley had thought of a brilliant new plan.

"Listen," he said "I need to get my revenge on Sourwartman for the loss of my cawavan. But more of that later. I want to concentwate on Harry Potter for now. What we need to do is lure Potter here. And the best way to do that would be to get someone to bwing him here. I've been waiting so long to waltz with Potter. I want to pwactice my tango with him. After that I'll kill the little bastard. So, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to force someone to make Potter fall in love with them, and lure him here. So, I think the best person for the job would be Dwaco Malfoy."

Lucius nearly choked on a mouthful of toasted marshmallow. Once he had recovered, he looked livid.

"Absolutely not," he spat. "I am not having my son anywhere near that little bastard."

"I'm afwaid you have no choice, Lucius," said Moley, waving his toasted marshmallow threateningly. "Dwaco will be perfect. All he has to do is get Potter to fall in love with him and bwing him here."

"I WON'T HAVE IT!" said Lucius. "MY SON IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR POTTER!"

A smirk spread across Moley's face.

"Perhaps you might be persuaded if I do this." He got up, opened Lucius's bag, and pulled out a bottle of bleach. He pulled the top off and was just about to tip it up when Lucius jumped up.

"Nooooooooooo!" he wailed. "Not the bleach, anything but the bleach!"

"Then you will agwee to pass on my instwuctions to your son," sneered Moley.

"Very – very well," said Lucius, grabbing the bottle from Moley and kissing it.

"Excellent," said Moley, and went back to devouring his marshmallow.


	24. Dumbledore's Announcement

Disclaimer: Dumbledores beard: (stuffs Harry and Draco inside a cupboard whilst no-one is looking). Ahem. We own nothing. 

Harry: (banging furiously on cupboard door) Hey, let us out!

Draco: Yeah, we don't belong to you, we belong to J.K.Rowling!

Dumbledores beard: Fine! Go then! Leave us and go back to J.K.Rowling. But we'll get you one day! Mwwwhhhaaaaaa! Choke, splutter. Ahem. Yeah. We own nothing.

Chapter 24 

"Look, Ron, I've told you a million times, I'm sorry about what happened in Snape's class. It wasn't my fault."

Ron glared at Harry for a moment, then nodded.

"Mhhmmmmm," he said through a mouthful of cornflakes.

"What?"

Ron swallowed.

"Fine," he said. "Let's just forget it."

"It says here that Moleymort has fled his hideout," said Hermione, the top of her bushy head just visible over the morning Prophet.

"Where was his hideout again? Eggness?"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Honestly, Ron, it's _Skegness_."

"Right. Skegness. What's that again?"

"A muggle holiday resort," sighed Hermione.

"So where is he now?

"The ministry don't know. They're currently questioning residents for any information on where Moleymort might have gone."

Harry wasn't listening. He was currently watching Malfoy, who was running a hand through his hair. Harry shivered. Ron was on him like a ton of bricks.

"What the bloody hell are you looking at?" he spat. "I hope you weren't staring at ferret boy."

"Er, I was just, er, looking at Crabbe. Yeah, that's right, I was watching Crabbe stuffing his face."

Ron eyed him suspiciously. Suddenly Dumbledore stood up.

"Silence please. I would like to announce that there will be a special event taking place next week. The teachers and I have decided to hold another ball. Severus has kindly offered to show us some of his break dancing moves."

Snape flicked his hair, which was in pigtails today.

"So I suggest you all find partners. Oh, and it is to be a costume party. So come as whatever you please! That is all."

There was an outbreak of excitement.

"Wicked!" said Ron. He turned to Hermione.

"Hermione, you're a girl."

"Ron, we've been through this before. All you have to do is ask."

Ron grinned.

"Wanna go ball with me?"

"Oh yes, I suppose," said Hermione, going all giggly.

Ron opened his mouth to say something but then stopped, a look of realisation on his face. He glanced at Hermione's lap.

"What?" asked Hermione, "What is it?"

Ron stared at his fingers.

"Well, it's just that, er, I've changed my mind," he said. "I'll ask someone else instead."

Hermione's face suddenly became dangerous.

"Why? What's wrong with me? I'm girl aren't I?"

Ron continued to stare at Hermione's lap. Hermione looked down.

"What? What is it?"

"Well, it's just that, I, er, well – you've got _testicles_!"

Hermione threw down the paper, causing cornflakes to spill everywhere.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I have _not_ got testicles!"

"But Hermione," said Ron. "That truth stuff – that Veritaserum – "

"I HAVE NOT GOT TESTICLES!" bellowed Hermione.

"Go on Granger, show us your great hairy balls!" shouted Malfoy, over from the Slytherin table.

Hermione yelled in frustration and stomped out of the Great Hall.

Harry turned to Ron and glared at him.

"What?" said Ron shrugging. "Come on, mate, we don't know what Hermione's hiding under there, do we? I'm not sure I want to risk it."

"So who are you going to ask instead?" asked Harry.

"Dunno. Definitely not Padma Patil. Her nose wasn't dead centre."

"I don't think she'd go with you anyway, after last time," said Harry.

"Who are you going to ask anyway?"

Harry's head shot immediately towards the Slytherin table. Malfoy was currently in deep conversation with Theodore Nott. Harry felt a surge of jealousy, hoping that Malfoy hadn't asked Nott to the ball.

"No bloody way," said Ron, banging his spoon down on the table. "You're thinking about asking _him_, aren't you?"

Harry turned around quickly.

"No," he said. "No I wasn't."

"You better not bloody be, I'm warning you, Harry, keep away from him. He's nothing but a bloody ferret."

Throughout the Great Hall, students were already trying to find partners.

"No, Dean!" shouted Seamus, edging nearer to his cornflakes. "I've told you time and time again that I just don't see you in that way!"

"Aww come on, we could have so much fun together," said Dean, biting his toast seductively and moving nearer to Seamus.

"HELP!" shouted Seamus, flicking cornflakes at Dean to ward him off.

"No way!" came Justin Finch-Fletchley's voice, from the Hufflepuff table. "I asked her first, you can get lost!"

"Certainly not!" cried Ernie MacMillan. "Hannah would much rather go with me!"

"Sorry, you two," said Hannah. "But I'm already going with Terry Boot."

"No, you're not!" shouted Terry, over at the Ravenclaw table. "I'm going with Anthony Goldstein!"

"Come on," said Ron. "We'd better get to potions, I can't stand listening to everyone asking each other to the ball."

"We need partners," said Harry, still thinking about Malfoy.

"Yeah, well we can sort that later," said Ron, and they left to go to potions.

A week later, Harry and Ron still hadn't found anyone to go with, and the ball was only a day away. All hell was breaking loose in the common room. People were still fighting over partners and trying to decide what costumes to wear.

Fred and George were currently fighting over Lee Jordan.

"Get lost, he fancies me way more than you!" said George, tugging on Lee's right arm.

"No way! We're identical!" shouted Fred, pulling Lee's left arm.

"Yeah but I'm the one with the mole!" cried George. "I'm way better!"

"Fuck off, you ginger tosser!"

"Freckle-faced fuckwit!"

"Guys," said Lee, "Let's not fight. Can't I just take you both?"

The twins stopped and stared at Lee for a moment.

"Fine," said George. "But I get the chicken costume."

"No way!" said Fred. "I wanted to wear that! It won't suit you!"

"I thought about wearing it first!"

"It'll clash with your mole, it'd suit me much better!"

And with that, they rushed up to the dormitory, each one eager to grab the chicken costume.

"Blimey," said Ron. "Everyone seems to be taking this ball more seriously than the last one. What are you going as anyway?"

"Dunno," replied Harry, shrugging. "I haven't even got a partner yet."

Suddenly Colin Creevey rushed into the common room, his camera swinging madly.

"Hi Harry! Hi Harry!"

"Hi Colin," sighed Harry.

"Harry! Harry! Would you be my partner for the ball?" asked Colin excitedly, snapping away with his camera.

Before Harry had a chance to answer, Dobby rushed into the room.

"You shall not ask Harry Potter to the ball!" he squeaked. "Harry Potter belongs to Dobby! Dobby is asking Harry Potter to the ball!"

"No way!" screamed Colin, swinging his camera at Dobby. "Harry's going with me, aren't you, Harry? Aren't you? You – "

But Colin was cut off by Dobby swinging his fist.

"You shall not steal my Potter!"

"Sod off you stupid elf, Harry's mine!"

Suddenly Winky the house elf came rushing in.

"Dobby is a filthy cheat!" she squealed, swinging a bottle of butterbeer at Dobby. "Dobby is asking Harry Potter to the ball instead of Winky! Dobby will ask Winky to the ball or Winky will stick Dobby's tea cosy where the sun doesn't shine!"

She began hitting Dobby hard on the head with the bottle of Butterbeer, whilst Dobby was trying to stamp on Colin's camera, whilst Colin pulled Dobby's ears.

"C'mon," said Ron, moving out the way to avoid getting caught in the pile of bodies which was Winky, Dobby and Colin. "Let's go up to the dormitory."

Harry nodded glumly. They reached the dormitory to find Neville on his bed, stroking Trevor.

"Guess what?" he said, as they entered. "I've got a date for the ball! Me!" he pointed to himself proudly.

"Who you going with?" asked Ron, plonking himself down on his bed.

"Oh I'm going with Trevor," said Neville. "I thought I'd go as a toad to make him feel more comfortable. He'd like that, don't you think?"

Harry and Ron ignored him.

Suddenly, Seamus came bursting in.

"Where's that goddamn leprechaun uniform?" he said, rummaging through his trunk. "I bet Dean's stolen it. He's been a right arsehole since I said I wouldn't go with him to the ball."

"I'm going with Trevor!" said Neville excitedly, pointing to himself again.

Seamus ignored him.

Meanwhile, in the girls' dormitory, Lavender and Parvati were trying to give Hermione some advice.

"Look, Hermione," said Lavender, "It's all about the testicles. You're never going to get a date if you've got those."

Parvati nodded in agreement.

"For the last time," said Hermione through gritted teeth, "I have _not_ got testicles."

"Now hold still," said Lavender, holding up her wand. "I'm going to try and remove them for you."

Hermione jumped up.

"Oh no you're not!" she said angrily. "There's nothing to get rid of!"

"But Lav's right, Hermione," said Parvati. "You'll never get a date for as long as you've got those."

"I've already got a date, if you must know," snapped Hermione.

"Oooooooohhhhhhhh, who?" shrieked Lavender, throwing her wand aside. "Who? Come on, tell us who it is!"

"None of your business," spat Hermione.

"Is it Ron or Harry?"

"No."

"Seamus Finnigan?"

"No."

"Dean Thomas?"

"No."

"Draco Malfoy?"

"No way! I wouldn't go with that ferret!"

"Terry Boot?"

"No."

"Ernie MacMillan?"

"No."

"Justin Finch-Fletchley?"

"Look, just give up, because I'm not going to tell you," said Hermione, crossing her arms.

"Tell us! Please tell us! We want to know!" shrieked Parvati.

"No."

"Is it – "

"OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE IT'S DUMBLEDORE, OKAY?" yelled Hermione.

Lavender and Parvati stared at her. There was absolute silence. A ball of tumbleweed blew past. Hermione twirled her hair.

"Um, I'm just going downstairs, er, got to go!" she said, and left. Lavender and Parvati didn't move. They'd apparently slipped into some sort of coma.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron had decided to have a walk round the school, to see if they could find partners. They parted at the bottom of the stairs in the entrance hall, and had agreed to meet in an hour's time, by which time they had both vowed to have found someone.

Harry was walking along, thinking about who he could ask, when a noise caught his attention. He ducked behind a statue.

"So, Filchy Wilchy, I assume you will be joining me to the ball?" came Snape's voice.

Filch looked down at the floor.

"Snapey, there's a bit of a problem with that," he said, twirling his lank hair. "I have already considered asking someone."

Snape's pigtails wilted.

"W – what? But Filchy, I am your lover! Who else could you possibly ask?"

Mrs Norris emerged from behind Filch's feet.

"I might have known," said Snape, glaring at the cat. "I should have known that _she_ would come between us!"

"I'm sorry, Snapey! But I –" said Filch.

"An ultimatum then!" cried Snape, throwing his arm into the air. "I've had it! It's either me or the cat!"

Filch fell to his knees.

"Snapey, be reasonable! You can't possibly expect me to choose between you and Mrs Norris!"

"No, I won't have it!" said Snape, stamping his foot. "I'm sick of her!"

"But – "

"_Choose_."

A furious look suddenly appeared on Filch's face. His jowls quivered dangerously. Suddenly he swung the bucket that he was holding and it collided painfully with Snape's head.

"No one makes me choose," he cried. "If you're going to be like that then I'll take Mrs Norris to the ball!"

"Fine!" said Snape, rubbing his head, where a lump had formed. "Piss off then! You're just a decrepit old moron who loves no one but his festering feline!"

"Are you calling me old?" asked Filch, crossing his arms.

"Why, yes, I think I am," said Snape, smirking.

"I'll have you know I use Agnes's anti-ageing potion five times a day!" said Filch, stroking his jowls.

"God knows you need it," snarled Snape. "You've got so many wrinkles you could give Dumbledore a run for his money!"

"You bitch!" yelled Filch, swinging his bucket again.

"Wrinkly bitch!" shouted Snape.

At this, Mrs Norris rushed forward, leapt up, and bit Snape right between the legs.

Snape howled and fell over, clutching himself.

"My poor privates!" he cried. "My precious jewels! Never again shall I make babies!"

"Serves you right," snarled Filch. "Come on, my sweet."

And Filch left, Mrs Norris close behind him. Harry moved from behind the statue, trying his best not to laugh at Snape, who was now crying and still clutching himself.

When Harry had met up with Ron an hour later, he was a little miffed to discover that Ron had managed to find a partner.

"Had no choice," Ron was saying. "Had to ask her, she was the only person left."

"It's great that you managed to get a partner, Ron, but you still haven't told me who it is."

"Trelawney. I didn't want to be the first to approach her after we broke it off, but I had no choice."

Harry shuddered as he remembered the days when Ron had been seeing Trelawney.

"So what about you?" asked Ron. "What are you going to do?"

Harry shrugged.

"Dunno. Guess I'll just have to go my – "

"Alrigh' Harry, Ron?" came a voice, causing Harry and Ron to turn around.

Hagrid was striding towards them.

"Hi Hagrid," said Harry and Ron in unison.

"Got dates fer the ball yet?"

"Ron has, but I haven't," said Harry miserably.

Hagrid suddenly looked pleased.

"I'm goin' wi' Fang," he said cheerfully, pointing a giant finger at himself.

Harry and Ron remained silent.

"I've got an idea!" said Hagrid. "I've jus' thought of the perfect date fer ya, Harry!"

Harry moved uncomfortably.

"Er, who?" he asked.

Hagrid tapped his nose.

"It's a surprise," he said. "All ya gotta do, is come down ter me cabin half an hour before the ball starts. Yeh'll meet yer surprise partner there."

Harry knew that this couldn't be good. He opened his mouth to protest but then stopped himself. He was in desperate need for a date, and Hagrid's surprise seemed the only option, so instead he agreed to be at Hagrid's hut on the night of the ball, half an hour before it started.

"Good man, Harry," said Hagrid, slapping Harry on the back and causing him to stumble into a suit of armour. "Yeh won't regret it!"

Harry severely doubted this. Hagrid, walked off, humming happily to himself.

"Blimey," said Ron. "Who do you reckon he's set you up with?"

"No idea," said Harry.

He couldn't help but feel a little excited at the prospect of a mystery date. A part of him, a very large part, could only hope that it was a certain Slytherin that Hagrid had set him up with.

A/N Review. Thanks.


	25. Harry's Mystery Date

Disclaimer: We own jack shit. On with the plotless story… Chapter 25 

"We'd better get back," said Ron, as he and Harry made their way towards the staircase, Harry's mind still on his mystery date.

Suddenly there was a noise. Ron suddenly pulled Harry to the side so that they were out of view.

"Nonsense!" boomed A voice that clearly belonged to Nearly-Headless Nick. "I forbid it! The Bloody Baron would much rather take me to the ball!"

"Rubbish!" shouted the Fat Friar. "he's liked me for ages."

"I thought you were going with Binns anyway?" said Nick.

Friar snorted.

"No, I dumped him."

"Why?"

"Because he dumped me for Moaning Mrytle."

"But I thought _you_ dumped him first?"

"I did!"

"But you just said – "

"Oh shut up!" spat Friar. "Point is, me and Binns are finished and I'm going to the ball with the Bloody Baron."

"Like hell you are," said Nick. "What makes you think that the Baron would want to go with you?"

"Well it's obvious isn't it? Because of my exquisite figure!"

Nick snorted.

"_Your figure_? Sorry to upset you after your breakup with Binns, but to put it bluntly, you're a fat bastard."

"How dare you!" said Friar, waving a fat fist at Nick. "What about you then, you unproperly decapitated ponce!"

"The Baron fancies me more and you know it!" shouted Nick, his head waving madly from side to side.

"Well I'm going to ask him first so you can fuck off!" said Friar, and floated away.

"Come back here you fat bitch!" shouted Nick, rushing after him.

"Fuck off, hinge head!"

"Blimey," said Ron, turning to Harry. "People are really taking this ball seriously."

They made their way up to Gryffindor tower, stepped over Dobby, Winky and Colin who were still fighting on the common room floor and up to the dormitory, where Neville was trying on his toad costume.

Harry couldn't sleep that night. He couldn't help but wonder whether or not Malfoy had found a date.

Unable to push these thoughts out of his mind, Harry got out of bed and shoved on his invisibility cloak. He'd had it. He just _had_ to find out if Malfoy had a partner for the ball.

He made his way out of the common room, past Winky, who was now hammered on butterbeer and attempting to rip Dobby's clothes off, who was in the process of strangling Colin, and through the portrait.

When he reached the Slytherin common room, he was lucky enough to find Malfoy and Pansy standing outside. Harry crept nearer. They appeared to be having some sort of argument.

"You stupid pug nosed bitch!" spat Malfoy. "When will you get it through your stupid brainless head that I don't want to go to the ball with you?"

"Why are you being like this, Draco?" screeched Pansy. "We're made for each other. Can't you see that? We're supposed to go to this ball together and you're supposed to propose to me in front of everyone!"

"Fuck off!" said Malfoy. "I wouldn't propose to you if you were the last pureblood on earth!"

"But you went with me to the ball last time!"

"Only for a dare," said Malfoy.

"Liar!" said Pansy. "You loved every minute of it!"

"Only because I got pissed."

"You're lying! You love me! You always have!"

Malfoy laughed.

"Get stuffed, Parkinson. I'm not taking you to the ball and that's that. I'd rather go with Crabbe and Goyle. Why don't you ask one of them? I'm sure they wouldn't mind you taking them. You could give them a sex education lesson whilst you're at it."

"You do it!" shouted Pansy. "You're the one that's always stuck between them!"

Harry snorted. Malfoy looked up and frowned. Harry held his breath. Luckily, Malfoy chose to ignore it.

"Now tell me the fucking password so that I can get in, pug bitch."

"Not until you ask me to the ball."

"Fuck off."

Pansy stamped her foot.

"If you don't ask me to the ball then I'll tell everyone about your little obsession."

Malfoy's head shot up.

"What?"

"You heard. You either ask me to the ball or I'll tell everyone about your problem."

Malfoy's face suddenly fell.

"You – you wouldn't."

Pansy smirked.

"Oh yes I would. If you don't ask me to the ball then I'm going to tell everyone that you keep an inflatable ferret under your bed."

Harry burst out laughing. He tried to hold it in, but it was no use. Malfoy and Pansy stood shocked, staring at the empty spot where Harry's laughter emitted from.

In a flash, Malfoy had his wand out and pointed it directly at where Harry was standing. Luckily, Harry managed to dodge it, but this was only due to the fact that he was rolling around on the floor, tears of laughter pouring down his face. At the same time, his invisibility cloak had slipped off, leaving him exposed.

"Potter," said Malfoy through gritted teeth. "What the fuck are you doing down here? Spying, were you? Well what you just heard is bullshit. Parkinson is making it up."

"No I'm not," said Pansy, smirking. "I can even prove it. But as long as you ask me to the ball, then no one need know."

"Potter knows though doesn't he?" shouted Malfoy. "Thanks to your big mouth!"

He turned to Harry, who had removed his glasses to wipe his eyes.

"Breathe a word of this to anyone, and you'll regret it," said Malfoy, his wand pointed at Harry.

Harry couldn't speak, he was still laughing.

"Oh and Draco, you have to wear your ferret costume aswell, said Pansy.

"But – "

"Or else I'll tell everyone."

"Fine," snarled Malfoy. "I'll take you to the ball."

Harry suddenly stopped laughing. Pansy squealed and threw her arms around Malfoy's neck, then tried to kiss him. Harry felt a surge of jealousy, and before he could stop himself he rushed forward and pulled Pansy away from Malfoy.

"What the fuck are you doing?" said Pansy, as Harry's wand made its way to her throat.

A smirk suddenly spread across Malfoy's face.

"Jealous, Potter?"

He moved forward and snaked an arm round Pansy's waist. Harry scowled.

"Don't be a prick, Malfoy," he spat. "I heard everything. You don't even like her, so don't pretend."

"Yeah but if it makes you jealous then it's worth it," said Malfoy, a huge smirk on his face. "Pansy you go ahead, I'll catch up with you later."

"Password is Pureblood's rule, " said Pansy and winked at him, then she turned around and disappeared through the portrait.

Malfoy pinned Harry against the wall. Hary gulped, his heart pounding.

"Breath a word of what you heard to anyone and I'll lock you in a cupboard with Crabbe and Goyle for a night, along with a pair of Marcus Flint's dentist implements. You don't want to be in the same situation as last time do you?"

Harry shook his head as he remembered his last encounter with Flint's dentist implements.

Malfoy was about to step away from Harry, when a noise distracted them. They looked around, only to be met with the angry glare of one Ronald Weasley.

"You bloody git," he spat.

"Why thanks, Weaselbee, I'm touched," said Malfoy.

"Not you, _him_," said Ron, nodding at Harry.

"Me?" asked Harry, confused.

"Yes, _you_. You bloody well sneaked out to see Malfoy didn't you? I knew where you'd gone the minute I saw your bed was empty. And now I find you pushed up against a wall. Something you want to tell me, Harry?"

"It's not what it looks like," said Harry quickly.

"Jealous, Weasley?" asked Malfoy. "Don't worry, I'll let Potter go so that you can both go back to your common room and shag."

"Piss off," snarled Ron, and turned to walk away.

"Ron wait, it's not what you think!" said Harry, rushing after him.

"Get stuffed," said Ron. "You've done it this time, Harry. It's no good lying. The evidence is there. First there was that gloop in Lockhart's class that turned into Malfoy, then the veritaserum, where you actually told the class that you wanted him smothered in honeydukes chocolate and told us all about his "nice firm buttocks", and now I find you down here pinned against a wall with him. Face it, you're infatuated. Well if your gonna keep lusting after Malfoy then you can keep away from me."

"Ron – "

"Just get lost," spat Ron, and stormed off.

Harry turned to face Malfoy, who was smirking.

"You can wipe that smirk off your face, because I don't fancy you, you stupid ferret loving git," snarled Harry, lying through his teeth.

"Yeah, of course you don't, Potter," said Malfoy, winking at him. "Remember what I said. Tell anyone what you heard between me and Pansy and I'll shove Flint's dentist implements where the sun doesn't shine. Nighty-night."

Malfoy blew him a kiss, said the password to the portrait of naked Snape and disappeared, leaving Harry feeling extremely pissed off.

Harry pulled on his dress robes, his stomach bubbling with nerves as he prepared himself for his mystery date. Now that he knew it wasn't Malfoy, he couldn't help but wonder who the hell Hagrid had set him up with.

He passed through the common room, stepping over Winky, Colin and Dobby (who now all had black eyes and were unconscious), and made his way down to the entrance hall. The place was crowded, though Harry couldn't tell who was who because everyone was wearing costumes. He, however, had decided to just go to the ball as himself, being famous Harry Potter and all. It just seemed like the suitable costume.

He stepped out into the grounds and made his way to Hagrid's hut.

"Alrigh' Harry?" came Hagrid's voice. Harry looked up and nearly screamed. Standing in front of him was Hagrid, in a ballerina outfit.

"H –hagrid?"

"Alrigh'? What do yeh reckon to me outfit? Fang loves it!" said Hagrid, bending down to pat Fang, who was wearing a bow tie.

"Er, y-yeah it's, er, great Hagrid. Really suits you."

Hagrid did a little dance, causing the ground to shake.

"So, er, where's my date?" asked Harry, feeling rather disturbed at the sight of Hagrid in a tutu.

"Oh he'll be here in a minute," said Hagrid cheerfully. "Yeh just wait, Harry, yeh'll be thrilled when yeh see who yeh goin' with!"

Suddenly the trees shook. Harry looked up.

"Ahhh, here comes yeh date!" Hagrid clapped his hands together, showing his pink nail varnish.

The trees shook again. Suddenly, the ground shook as a voice rumbled out through the bushes.

"POTTY!"

Harry's stomach gave a sickening jolt.

_Oh god no_, he thought. _Oh god, please no_…

"POTTY!"

Harry's worst fears were confirmed as a familiar face appeared from the trees.

"POTTY!"

"Harry, say hello to yeh date!" said Hagrid cheerfully, holding out his arms as if he were trying to present the giant figure to Harry.

"POTTY!"

"Grawpy!"

"HAGGAR!"

"Hagrid?" said Harry weakly.

Grawp stood still. Harry could see him more clearly now. He was wearing a pink dress, complete with pink eyeshadow and lipstick, a pink handbag, and a pink bow on his head. He batted his eyelashes.

"Well, Grawpy, are yeh excited?" yelled Hagrid, so that Grawp could hear him.

"GRAWP WANT POTTY!" yelled Grawp, stamping a high-heeled foot.

"Of course yeh do," shouted Hagrid. "He's right here!"

Before Harry knew what was happening, Grawp had lifted him up, and placed him on his shoulder. Harry groaned.

"Potty?" said Grawp, batting huge eyelashes that brushed against Harry's head.

Grawp lifted a finger and stroked Harry's head, nearly sending him flying.

"POTTY!" Grawp yelled again, causing Harry to lift his hands to his ears.

"Let's go!" said Hagrid excitedly, leading them towards the castle. Harry had to duck to avoid being smacked by tree branches.

They reached the castle doors (which magically stretched to allow Grawp to fit through), and stepped inside.

"Righ' in we go," said Hagrid, as they reached the doors of the Great Hall.

Harry's stomach churned as they prepared to enter, and he couldn't help think about what everyone would say when they saw him sitting on Grawp's shoulder, particularly a certain blond Slytherin…

A/N: **Ramen Ninja**: Thanks for all your reviews, and please update Dreadful: The Hermione Parody because it's the funniest story ever!

**Moose on mars**: You guessed right! Thanks for your review!

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	26. Brawl At The Ball

Disclaimer: As you can see, we are currently writing stories that have no plot, make no sense, and are completely insane, thus we don't own Harry Potter. Chapter 26 

Immediate silence filled the Great Hall as Harry entered, sitting on Grawp's shoulder. Harry's stomach churned. In the distance, he could just about make out a giant gingerbread man scowling at him. Harry couldn't help but think that the whole situation would be a lot better if Ron was talking to him.

People resumed talking and dancing, and Grawp stomped over to where most of the Gryffindors were seated. He sat down, causing Harry to nearly fall off, but Grawp pulled him back up. The giant gingerbread man sauntered over.

"So that's who Hagrid set you up with," it said, a smirk across it's mouth (which was made of icing). "Well at least its not Malfoy. Anything's better than him, even if its Grawp."

"Piss off, Ron," snarled Harry. "Go back to your date." He nodded at Trelawney, who had come as a giant insect.

A giant ginger cat that looked remarkably like Crookshanks walked over.

"Harry," came a familiar bossy voice. "Ron told me that you sneaked out to see Malfoy, you – "

"Oh drop it, Hermione," snapped Harry, trying to waft Grawp's hand away, which was attempting to feed him sausage rolls.

A scowl appeared on the giant ginger cat's face and it walked over to where Dumbledore was standing, who was wearing nothing but a pair of underpants with moons and stars on them.

The gingerbread man walked off, leaving Harry on his own. Harry sighed, staring round the room. In the distance, he could see a leprechaun running away from Dean Thomas, who was dressed as a giant football.

"POTTY!" yelled Grawp, causing people to stare. Harry shifted awkwardly. He glanced round the room – and noticed a giant ferret. Harry's stomach churned, and he couldn't help but notice that the ferret looked rather moody. It was sitting next to Pansy, who had come as a ballerina, like Hagrid. Harry thought it suited Hagrid much better.

"Hi Harry!" came a voice, and Harry turned his head to see a giant toad in front of him.

"Neville," he greeted glumly.

"Me and Trevor are having a great time!" said Neville. "I didn't know you and Grawp were an item. Congratulations!"

Harry opened his mouth to protest but Neville had already walked (or rather hopped) off.

"POTTY!" yelled Grawp, pouring crisps over Harry's head. Harry brushed them off, feeling very depressed. He glanced at the giant ferret, who was now over by the drinks table. Harry suddenly felt thirsty.

He tried to get down off Grawp's shoulder but Grawp was having none of it.

"POTTY STAY! GRAWP WANT POTTY!"

"I'M JUST GOING TO GET A DRINK!" yelled Harry.

"GRAWP WANT POTTY!"

"I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE!"

Surprisingly, Grawp allowed Harry to climb down, and Harry made his way over to the ferret.

"Nice date, _potty_," said the ferret.

"Thanks," said Harry through gritted teeth, pouring himself some punch. He stole a quick glance at the giant ferret, who was looking at his date sadly. Pansy was now attempting to impress the Slytherins by spinning around in her tutu.

"Nice date," said Harry sarcastically. The ferret scowled.

"Go and dance with someone else if you're not happy with her," Harry found himself saying. The ferret smirked.

"What are you suggesting, _potty_? Are you asking me to dance?"

Harry suddenly felt rather flustered.

"N-no, I was just – "

"Good idea, _potty_, I think I'll ask someone to dance. That ginger cat looks rather feisty."

Harry rolled his eyes and took a mouthful of fruit punch. He turned to watch Malfoy saunter towards a big giant ginger cat – and spat out his drink as he realised who it was that Malfoy was approaching.

_Oh god no_ Harry thought desperately. _He doesn't realise it's Hermione!_

"Malfoy, wait!"

"Now now, Potty, don't be jealous," called Malfoy, walking past the gingerbread man, who was eyeing him suspiciously.

Harry looked on in horror as the giant ferret tapped the cat on the shoulder.

"Hey feisty feline, wanna dance?" said the ferret, wiggling its eyebrows suggestively.

The gingerbread man rushed forward.

"What the fuck are you doing, Malfoy? Get the fuck away from her!"

"Fuck off, gingerbread weasel. Go dance with mudshit Granger or something."

Ron frowned at him. Harry approached them. Ron turned to him.

"But doesn't he realise that it's Herm – "

But he was caught off at the sight of the ginger cat shaking its head furiously and putting a finger to its lips.

_My god,_ thought Harry, _she's playing along!_

The cat brushed its paws against the ferret's fur seductively.

"That's more like it, kitty," said Malfoy smoothly. "Come on, let's go dance."

The ferret pulled the cat onto the dance floor. Pansy stormed over.

"Drakey, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm dancing."

"But I'm your date. You're supposed to dance with me!"

"Fuck off, you stupid ballerina pug faced bitch, I'm busy."

Pansy burst into tears and stormed off.

"Hey kitty, how's about a kiss?" said Malfoy, pulling the head off his costume and leaning forward with his eyes closed.

The ginger cat smirked. Hermione pulled off the head of her costume, raised her hand and slapped Malfoy clean across the face. Malfoy's eyes spring open.

"What did you – GRANGER! WHAT THE FUCK?"

"MALFOY YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KISS ME?" yelled Hermione, making sure that the entire Great Hall heard her.

"You bitch! You tricked me! I had no idea it was her, I swear," said Malfoy desperately, as a group of Slytherins glared at him.

"Ewwwwwwww!" screeched Pansy. "Draco just tried to kiss a mudblood! How could you, Draco!"

"It wasn't my fault!" said Draco desperately, stepping back.

"Huh huh, Draco and mudblood, huh huh," said Goyle stupidly, pointing at Draco and grinning madly.

"You bitch!" snarled Draco, stepping towards Hermione. "You humiliated me! I'll get you for this, you filthy little mudshit."

"Serves you right," snapped Hermione. "You stinky ferret. You're nothing but a pain in the arse, antagonising me, Harry and Ron all the time. And this is for calling me a mudshit."

She slapped him again.

Some people cheered.

"You bitch!"

"Ferret face!"

"Filthy mudblood!"

"Bastard!"

Harry and Ron rushed over, just as Hermione jumped on Draco and started punching him.

"Get off, bitch!"

"Fucking ferret!"

"Leave her alone, Malfoy!"

"Get lost, Weasley!"

Ron then jumped on Draco and started hitting him. Harry tried to pull him off, but ended up toppling over and crashing into Crabbe, who pushed him, causing Ron to punch Crabbe, causing Goyle to punch Ron. Millicent, who was dressed as a man, tried to break it up but ended up tripping over a chair, and crashing into a group of Hufflepuffs.

And then all hell broke loose. Fights broke out everywhere.

"Get the fuck off me, Granger!"

"Take that, you stinky ferret!"

"Crabbe, you're creasing my tutu!"

"Longbottom get your toad away from me!"

"Fuck off Fred, Lee's my bitch, not yours!"

"Meeeeooooooowwwwwww!"

"My sweet!"

"That's for biting me in the balls you stupid feline!"

"Leave Mrs Norris alone!"

"Goddamn it, Dean, get your footballs off me!"

"Come on you sexy leprechaun, show me your sack of gold!"

"Arrrrggghhh!"

"GRAWP WANT POTTY!"

Through all this, the Weird Sisters, pissed off that no one was listening to them, got up and left, causing Snape to take the stage and start breakdancing, revealing his underpants to everyone which were grey with the words _master of this school_ written on the front.

The fight got no better when Dean Thomas, in his football outfit, was pushed by Seamus, causing him to roll and trip up Hagrid, who was carrying a tray of drinks. The drinks spilt onto Oliver Wood, who, furious that his kilt had been ruined, started to hit Hagrid with his bagpipes, causing Fang to bite him.

Then Pansy, who was furious with Draco for dancing with Hermione, got up on stage, shoved Snape away, grabbed the microphone and shouted:

"I WOULD JUST LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT DRACO MALFOY KEEPS A GIANT INFLATABLE FERRET UNDER HIS BED. HE ALSO CUDDLES IT AND TELLS IT HE LOVES IT."

Everyone stopped fighting and stared at Draco, who was standing with his fist in the air (he had just been about to hit Ron before Pansy had spoken), and his mouth wide open.

Everyone started laughing.

"YOU BITCH!" yelled Draco, scrambling towards the stage. Pansy squealed and ran off.

Unfortunately, Draco tripped due to his costume and crashed into a table. Without thinking, Harry rushed over to see if he was okay.

"Malfoy?"

Draco groaned, and sat up. He looked around at everyone laughing. He got up, glared at everyone, then stomped out of the Great Hall.

Harry immediately went to follow.

Hermione and Ron stood in his way.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Ron.

"Seeing if he's okay," said Harry.

"Why are you bothered?" asked Hermione. "He deserves everything he gets!"

"That was a dirty trick that you played on him," snarled Harry, glaring at Hermione.

"Harry – "

Harry didn't listen, he stormed past Ron and Hermione and out of the Great Hall.

A/N: There goes another chapter of madness. Please review. Thanks.


	27. Yet More Brawls

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing. Chapter 26 

Harry rushed into the entrance hall. He looked around, trying to spot Draco. He just managed to catch sight of him, walking out the front doors.

Harry followed, not bothering who saw. He exited the castle and spotted Draco sitting down by a tree, half his ferret costume still intact. He looked up and scowled when he saw Harry approaching.

"Come to have a good laugh, Potty?" he said. "Come to make fun?"

"No," said Harry quietly, and sat down next to Draco, who was looking at him with a shocked expression on his face.

"I don't agree with what Hermione did. It was wrong. I – "

"Oh save it, Potter," snarled Draco. "I don't give a shit what you think. But you'd better watch mudshit's back, because after tonight she's gonna get it. You wait, I'll get my revenge. Filthy little mudblood. What the fuck gives her the right to humiliate me? I'm a Malfoy for fuck's sake! No-one makes me look stupid! You hear me? No-one."

Draco was standing up now, face twisted in determination, his ferret tail swinging madly.

"A plan! That's what I need to come up with. A revenge plan. Something that will make that filthy mudshit pay for what she did!"

"Malfoy, I don't – "

"Filthy little shit! I'm going. I'm going in there right now and I'm going to get my revenge. We'll see who's got the bigger balls. Me or Granger."

Draco stormed off. But Harry caught up with him and grabbed him.

"Malfoy – "

Draco spun round to face Harry. Harry gulped, suddenly becoming aware of how close they were.

"Let me go, Potter –"

But Harry cut Draco off by pulling him into a hug. Malfoy was speechless. Harry let go and stared at him. There was silence. Harry's head was spinning, and all he became aware of was the fact that Draco's face was slowly inching towards his. Harry closed his eyes, his heart thumping. Suddenly, a rumbling sound filled the school grounds. Harry's eyes flew open.

"POTTY!"

_oh no, _thought Harry, _please don't let that be… _

But Harry's worst fears were confirmed as Grawp came stomping through the grounds. Harry could tell by the extremely pissed off look on his face that he had seen Draco lean in to kiss Harry.

"LEAVE POTTY ALONE!" shouted Grawp, and before Harry knew what was happening, Grawp had seized Draco and put him over his shoulder.

"GRAWP NO!" shouted Harry. "PUT HIM DOWN!"

"GRAWP GET RID OF NASTY FERRET!" shouted Grawp, and before Harry could stop him, Grawp had stomped off into the forest, taking Draco with him.

"Pottteeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr!" yelled Draco, who was banging his fists on Grawp's back. Get this stupid giant off me!"

Harry panicked, and before he could do anything, Hagrid came bounding out of the castle, Fang at his heels.

"Hagrid – "

"I'm on to it!" shouted Hagrid, running straight past Harry and after Grawp. "Grawpy! Come back here! Grawpy no! Put Malfoy down!"

Harry watched as Hagrid and his tutu disappeared from view. He contemplated going back to Ron and Hermione to tell them what had happened. But his anger at Hermione made him decided to follow Draco, hoping that he was ok.

Harry ran, remembering the last time he had run after Malfoy in the forest. Only this time it was Grawp they were dealing with, and not an erect skrewt.

Meanwhile back at the ball, the party was still in full swing. People were congratulating Hermione for her trick on Draco.

Snape, after consuming a rather large amount of firewhiskey, was now attempting to break dance using his hands. He fell flat on his face, got up, and grabbed the microphone.

"You bashhhtards!" he shouted. "I'll take the lot of ya! Come out and fight!"

"Now now, Severus," said Dumbledore calmly, his glasses askew, trying to stop McGonnagol from pulling down his moon and star underpants. "Let us be calm."

"I am maasshhhhttteerr of thish school!" said Snape, pointing to himself. "Ya hear me? Masshhhttteer. Now get out of my house!"

He pointed to the door, then collapsed and started snoring.

Ron was intoxicated, and was now sobbing with his head in his hands.

"Shhiccck of it," he slurred. "Shhicckk of my life. Never had no fucking money, Hermioneeeeyyy has got teshticles, and Harry lovesshhh Malfoy. No one lovesshhh me. Issshhh it because I is ginger?"

Trelawney looked at him with unfocused eyes, and began stroking his arm.

"Oh Ronald," she said. "Let us show everyone that the flames of passion have not died. Let us be together again. Let us – "

She was cut off by Ron snoring. But that didn't stop her. She grabbed his gingerbread legs and pulled him out of the Great Hall, grinning madly at this perfect opportunity.

Fred and George were now fighting over Lee, who was commentating with his microphone.

Dean was rolling around drunkenly in his football outfit, knocking over Colin Creevey, who was in the process of trying to snap a picture of Crabbe and Goyle, who had now taken the stage and were doing the full monty.

Seamus was distraught, as someone had stolen his sack of gold, and he was now downing excessive amounts of firewhiskey.

Filch was doing the tango with Mrs Norris, and Nearly-Headless Nick and the Fat Friar were fighting over the Bloody Baron, who looked thoroughly bored and was flicking the unicorn blood off his clothes at Peeves, who was pelting food at Myrtle, who was getting it on with Professor Binns, who was in the middle of a lecture about giant wars.

Finally Dumbledore (now naked – McGonnagol had his underpants in her teeth and was meowing loudly), got up on stage and announced it was time to go to bed, then fell over and started snoring. Nobody moved – everyone had passed out due to the amount of alcohol consumption.

A/N Next time: Will Harry find Draco? Will Ron and Hermione ever speak to Harry again? Will McGonnagol ever give Dumbledore his underpants back? Find out in the next chapter of this goddamn plotless story.

Oh yeah, please review this twist filled, wonderfully plotted masterpiece.


	28. Giants, Tents and Revenge

Chapter 28 

Disclaimer: We own nothing. Happy New Year!

Harry frantically searched the forest, hoping to spot any sign of Draco. He jumped as a scream echoed through the trees.

"Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!"

Harry ran as fast as he could towards the noise, his heart thumping fast. He finally reached a clearing, and stopped abruptly. Draco was crouched in a tree, wincing as Grawp attempted to feed him bird eggs and shook the tree so violently that Draco had to cling on for life. Harry would have found the sight funny had he not been so concerned. Hagrid was trying to restrain Grawp, whilst still dressed in his tutu.

"No Grawpy! Stop tha'! Let Malfoy go!"

"Hagrid!" shouted Harry, running towards Grawp.

"POTTY!" shouted Grawp, pulling out some lipstick and applying it to the whole of his face. He moved towards Harry, pouting and batting his gigantic

eyelashes.

"Potter!" shouted Malfoy. "Get me down!"

Harry panicked as Grawp came bounding towards him, arms outstretched. Before he knew what was happening, Harry was scooped up and placed on Grawp's shoulder.

"Grawp get rid of nasty ferret!" said Grawp, poking Malfoy so hard that he nearly fell out of the tree.

"Get off me you filth!" spat Malfoy. "Wait until my father hears about this! I'll make sure you and your stupid oaf brother get kicked out for good. You – arrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!"

Before Malfoy could utter another word, Grawp's huge hand came flying towards him and knocked him out of the tree. Luckily, his ferret costume prevented any injury to his body, but his head had no protection as he'd taken the head of his costume off back at the school. He went head first into a nearby tree and slumped down.

"Malfoy!" shouted Harry.

"Oh dear!" said Hagrid. "Bad Grawpy! I'd better take him to the hospital wing!"

He moved towards the now unconscious Draco and scooped him up.

"Better get Madam Pomfrey to fix 'im up," said Hagrid, and he began to walk off, leaving Harry with the horrible realisation that he had no way of escaping from Grawp.

"Grawp want dance with Potty!" said Grawp, moving his huge face towards Harry and blowing him a kiss.

Harry sighed, wondering if this night would ever end…

…

"Wormdick!" bellowed Moley. "Where's my hot water bottle?"

"H – here's it is master!" squeaked Wormdick, poking his hand through the opening in Moley's tent. Moley snatched it.

"Luuuucccciiiiuuuussss!" bellowed Moley. There was a sigh, and Lucius Malfoy's head poked through. Moley wrinkled his nose as the smell of bleach filled his tent.

"Yes, my lord? What is it? I'm in the middle of bleaching my hair."

"Bwing me a packet of pwawn cocktail cwisps," said Moley. "And my Michael Jackson CD."

"Yes, lord," said Lucius.

Meanwhile, the rest of Moley's mole eaters were pretty pissed, as they all had to share a tent.

"I'm not sharing with Wormdick!" squealed Bellatrix. "You think I want to listen to him shagging an inflatable elf all night?"

"I'm not sharing with McNair!" shouted Rodolphus. "His axe scares me!"

"I'm not sharing with Lucius!" squeaked wormdick. "I can't stand the smell of his bleach!"

"SILENCE!" bellowed Moley. "Get into your tents and shut the hell up. I wish to eat my cwisps in peace without listening to you idiots arguing!"

The mole eaters fell silent, sulking as a crinkling of a packet and then a crunching sound emitted from Moley's tent. Five minutes later, the sounds of 'Thriller' and 'Heal The World' filled the campsite, followed by 'Billy Jean'. The Mole Eaters looked on in silence at the silhouette of Moley grabbing his crotch and doing his best Michael Jackson dance.

…

All was bleak in Hogwarts Great Hall the next morning. Everyone was too hungover to speak. Dumbledore waltzed in. Clearly he was hung over, as he hadn't even bothered to dress. He was still naked from the night before, which meant that McGonnagol still hadn't given him his underpants back. Snape arrived, throwing Filch a filthy look as he passed him. He was definitely hung over – he hadn't even bothered to put his hair in pigtails today.

"Ron," said Hermione leaning over to talk to Ron, who looked half dead. "I'm worried about Harry. He hasn't been seen all night."

"So?" said Ron, shoving six spoonfuls of cornflakes into his mouth at once.

"Do you think he's alright?"

"I don't care. He went off to find Malfoy didn't he? I've always said he had a thing for Malfoy."

"No one's seen Malfoy either," said Hermione, biting her lip.

"They're probably stuck together somewhere, having a good old sha – "

"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" said Hermione.

"Why not? It's obvious isn't it? Come on, Hermione. The evidence is there! The way he went on about Malyfoy's buttocks in Snape's class and when that gloop turned into Malfoy! The two of them have been at it behind our backs! Malfoy for god's sake!"

"Oh shut up, Ron!" snapped Hermione. "You're just jealous because Harry likes another human being and not some ugly stick insect like Trelawney!"

"Well at least she hasn't got big hairy testicles!" shouted Ron.

"I DO NOT HAVE TESTICLES!" shouted Hermione, standing up now.

"YES YOU DO!" shouted Ron. "You even look like a bloke!"

Someone from the Slytherin table whistled. Hermione slapped Ron.

"You ginger bastard!" she shouted. "Better to have hairy balls then horrible ginger pubes!"

"At least my pubes don't look like a bird's nest!" shouted Ron.

Someone at the teacher's table clapped. It was Dumbledore, who had conjured up a box of popcorn and was passing it around.

…

"Pease no!" groaned Harry. "No Grawp, not again! Please!"

Harry sighed for the millionth time as Grawp, attempted to do the tango with him. They'd been dancing all night, and Harry was knackered. Where the hell had Hagrid got to?

Finally, Grawp allowed Harry to climb down. As soon as he reached the floor, Harry ran as fast he could.

"Potty come back!" shouted Grawp. "Grawp wanted to feed Potty some bird eggs! Grawp loves Potty!"

Grawp began to cry, causing several trees to collapse.

…

Harry reached the school, panting. He rushed into the entrance hall, but was stopped by Snape.

"Running in the entrance hall, Potter? That's 100 points from Gryffindor. Had I not been hungover, it would have been 200. So you should be grateful."

"Where's Malfoy?" said Harry, ignoring Snape's comments about the points.

"That's not really your concern, Potter. Or perhaps it is. Tell me, what exactly _is_ going on between you and Mr. Malfoy?"

"None of your business," snarled Harry.

"Oh I think it is," said Snape, smirking. "Mr. Malfoy is in my house. Therefore it is my business."

"Where is he?" said Harry, resisting the urge to reach forward and yank Snape's huge nose off his face.

"Maybe I won't be so generous. 500 points from Gryffindor for being nosy," said Snape.

Harry walked away.

"Arsehole," he muttered.

"I heard that," called Snape. "100 points from Gryffindor for insulting me!"

Harry sighed, and headed towards the hospital wing. When he reached it, he hurried inside, expecting to see Malfoy curled up on one of the beds. But he only saw Madam Pomfrey bustling about.

"Where's Malfoy?" Harry asked, as she noticed him enter.

"Mr. Malfoy left over an hour ago," she said. "Now if you would kindly leave. I'm extremely busy."

Harry left, relieved that Malfoy was ok.

…

Hermione stormed away from the Great Hall, seething with anger at Ron's comments. She stopped abruptly as she heard a noise. She scowled as she noticed Malfoy step out from behind a statue. He was smirking.

"Scared, Granger?" he said.

Hermione laughed.

"As if," she said. "Where's Harry?"

Malfoy shrugged. "I'm not bothered about that. I just want _revenge_. You made me look like a right idiot last night, you little mudshit. Thanks to you, my own house will probably ignore me."

"Don't forget, Malfoy, that one of your own house actually humiliated you as well. Parkinson was the one who told everyone about your cuddly ferret, not me. So go get revenge on her instead."

"You ruined my reputation," said Malfoy. "You made it look like I kiss mudbloods. Everyone will ignore me. You're going to pay."

He stepped towards her. Hermione pulled out her wand.

"Come near me and I'll hex your furry ferret balls off," she spat.

"Oh yeah, you just reminded me," said Malfoy. "_Testicles_. I'll make sure everyone knows about your hairy balls, Granger!"

He reached into his robes and pulled out his wand.

"Expelliarmus" he yelled, disarming Hermione. Hermione froze. Draco smirked, and pointed his wand at her, muttering a spell just as Harry rounded the corner…

…

A/N: There goes another shitty chapter.


	29. Harry's Big Problem

Disclaimer: As much as we'd love to own Harry Potter, we don't. So get off our case bitches. On to the next chapter… Chapter 29 

"Engorgio!" bellowed Draco. Fortunately, Hermione managed to dodge the spell that was aimed at her. Unfortunately, the spell that was meant to hit her ended up hitting Harry, who had ended up accidentally becoming the target when he walked around the corner.

Draco's mouth fell open in shock as he realised that he'd hit Harry. Harry froze. Suddenly, his trousers became very tight. He looked down in horror as a great big bulge appeared in his trousers. The bulge kept on growing.

Harry looked up at Draco in horror.

"What the hell have you done?" he yelled.

"I didn't mean to! It was meant for that little mudshit," said Draco.

"Oh Harry!" wailed Hermione. "We have to get you to Madame Pomfrey!"

Suddenly Hermione let out a scream as Draco lunged towards her.

"I'm not finished with you yet, Granger! I'll make you pay for what you did to me!"

Hermione continued to squeal as Draco came towards her, brandishing his wand. Hermione, in a state of panic, grabbed Draco to stop him from attacking her. As Hermione grabbed him, he lost his balance and the two of them toppled over, with Draco positioned on top of Hermione.

Hermione's squeals had been heard by everyone in the Great Hall, and students piled out. There were gasps as the students caught sight of Draco and Hermione on the floor. Draco's eyes widened in horror, suddenly becoming aware of how close he was to Hermione.

"That's disgusting!" wailed Pansy. "First he kisses the filthy mudshit at the ball and now he's trying to shag her right here in front of the Great Hall!"

"I-It's not what it looks like!" stammered Draco, quickly pushing himself off Hermione. "I didn't even want to touch the filthy little – " SMACK!

Hermione had slapped Draco as hard as she could.

"You filthy ferret! How dare you try to sexually assault me!"

Draco's eyes widened in horror.

"What?! That's bullshit Granger! I was trying to hex you, not assault you! Take that back you filthy piece of mudcrap! You've already humiliated me once!"

"Yes you did! Professor Dumbledore, Malfoy tried to take my clothes off," said Hermione, addressing the still naked headmaster.

"Mr. Malfoy," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard. "If this is true, then – "

"NO!" shouted a voice. Everyone looked up as Harry struggled around the corner, the bulge in his trousers now dragging on the floor.

"Oh my god!" shouted Ron. "Harry, what the hell happened to your balls? They're bigger than Hagrid's!"

A large amount of sniggering broke out.

"And probably Hermione's too!" Ron added.

"Shut up!" snapped Hermione.

"Professor Dumbledore, Malfoy was trying to hex Hermione and she tried to defend herself and he fell on top of her," said Harry.

"Is this true, Mr. Malfoy?" asked Dumbledore.

"Yes Sir, but – "

"Please don't use spells in corridors again. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to attend to my hangover. I had rather too much to drink last night and I have a pair of underpants that I need to retrieve from Professor MaGonnagol."

Dumbledore turned around and walked away, one hand on his head and the other continuing to stroke his beard.

"You little piece of crap," spat Draco. "What the hell did you think you were doing, telling everyone that I tried to sexually assault you?"

"What did you think I was doing?" asked Hermione, her hands on her hips. "I was trying to humiliate you even more than I did at the ball."

"Eww Draco, I still can't believe you tried to touch a mudblood!" said Pansy.

"Shut up," snapped Draco. "Haven't you all seen enough? Get the hell out of here!"

Still sniggering, the crowd began to move back into the Great Hall.

"But what about Harry's gigantic balls?" said Ron, who was still standing there.

"It's his fault!" said Hermione, pointing at Draco. "He tried to hex me and Harry got in the way!"

"No, it's _your _fault, Hermione," said Harry, now kneeling on the floor to support his large testicles. "If you hadn't humiliated Malfoy at the ball then none of this would have happened!"

"Don't you dare take that filthy ferret's side!" said Ron. "We know you have a thing for him but that doesn't mean you should side with him over Hermione. Besides, he's done nothing but be a complete arse to us all throughout school!"

"Oh shut up, Weasley," snarled Draco. "You – "

"Alrigh' you lot!" boomed a voice. Hagrid had just burst into the entrance hall. "What's goin' – blimey 'Arry, what happened to yer balls? They're bigger than Grawp's! What's yer secret 'Arry? How'd yer get 'em so big?"

"Nevermind that. Hagrid, could you take me to the hospital wing?"

Hagrid nodded, and attempted to lift Harry. Even for Hagrid, it seemed like a difficult job trying to get Harry's testicles off the floor. Draco sniggered, and Harry shot him dirty look.

After Hagrid and Harry had gone, Draco rounded on Hermione.

"Watch your back," he snarled. "I'll get you for this. No one embarrasses me like that."

"Get lost, Malfoy," snarled Ron. Draco shot him a venomous look and set off towards the dungeons.

…

"WORMDICK!" yelled a very frustrated Moleymort.

"Y-yes, my lord?"

"Where are my cwisps?"

"Here they are," said Wormdick, handing Moley a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

"What the hell is this?" shouted Moley. "Cheese and onion? I don't even like cheese and onion. Take these away and get me some pwawn cocktail cwisps. Now!"

"Yes, my lord," sighed Wormdick. He disappeared and returned a few minutes later with the crisps.

Moley and his mole eaters were positioned around a campfire. Lucius was in the process of checking his roots, despite the fact that he'd only bleached his hair a day ago. McNair was polishing his axe. Bellatrix was painting her nails black and Wormdick was red in the face from blowing up his inflatable elf. The rest of the mole eaters sat there, looking less than pleased at having to spend another night in their tiny tents.

"Now," said Moley, his mouth full of crisps. "We need to discuss this plan of mine about luring Potter here. Lucius, have you spoken to Dwaco yet? We need to think of how we're going to get Potter to fall in love with him."

Lucius opened his mouth to protest but shut it again when he saw Moley reach for the bottle of bleach.

"Anything you'd like to say, Lucius?" asked Moley.

"I'll speak to Dwaco – I mean Draco immediately, my lord."

"You'd better do," said Moley. "Or else the bleach gets it. Wormdick, fetch me my Elvis CD. I think we all need to listen to "Love Me Tender" to get us all in the mood for my plan."

Everyone groaned.

…

"I can't believe you!" said Harry that evening in the common room. "Why did you do that? You could've got Malfoy into serious trouble."

"And your point is?"

"I can't believe you, Hermione. I would've thought that someone like you would have had more sense than to go around accusing someone of sexually assaulting you!"

"Yeah well he deserved it," piped up Ron. "He's a nasty ferret. I don't know why you're defending him when he gave you massive balls."

"He gave them me by accident. You – "

Suddenly a noise came from the fireplace.

"What's this about balls?"

Harry sighed.

"Go away, Sirius. I'm not in the mood to deal with you and your private parts tonight. And before you ask, no, I don't want a testicle piercing thanks very much."

"But testicle piercings are so in at the moment!" said Sirius, flashing his testicles, which now both had rings attached to them.

Harry covered his eyes.

"I'm thinking of getting a tattoo next," said Sirius happily. "I was going to get one that said "Azkaban sucks" on my right buttock. I know just the person to do it. I could ask him if he'd give you lot a tattoo if you like. What would you have?"

"I'd probably get one of a gingerbread man if it was me," said Ron. "Definitely on my right buttock. It doesn't have as many freckles as the left one so I reckon a tattoo would look better one that side."

"Excellent!" said Sirius.

"Sirius, who is it that is offering these tattoos?" asked Hermione.

"Arthur of course! He's experimenting with muggle tattoo equipment and said he'd give us all a tattoo for free!"

"I've changed my mind," said Ron. "I don't want one."

"So don't you think you should apologise to Malfoy, Hermione?" said Harry impatiently.

"No," said Hermione. "He deserved it."

"Yeah, he's a filthy ferret," snarled Ron.

"Fine," snapped Harry. He pushed himself off the chair and stormed up to the boys' dormitory, slamming the door behind him.

"Right, so shall I book Harry in for a tattoo of a snitch on his testicles? What do you think?" asked Sirius happily.

Hermione and Ron remained silent, both with stony looks on their faces.

…

"LUCIUS!" bellowed Moleymort. "Have you written that letter to Dwaco yet? I want to put my plan into action!"

"I'm just finishing it my lord!"

"Well hurry up! It's nearly time for my foot massage!"

Lucius groaned.

"WORMDICK!" bellowed Moley.

Wormdick burst into the tent, looking rather flushed.

"What the hell have you been doing?" questioned Moley, alarmed at the sight of Wormdick's pink face.

"Er, cleaning my tent, lord," stammered Wormdick.

"Go and get me six packets of cwisps, my Take That CD, my inflatable mole, some insect repellent and something to shine my magnificent bald head with."

"Yes, my lord," squeaked Wormdick, and ran out of the tent.

Lucius strolled in.

"It's ready to send, my lord."

"Good," said Moley, clapping his hands together. "Now we can –"

Moley stopped mid-sentence and sniffed.

"What the hell is that smell?"

Lucius sniffed.

"Oh, that's my special hair conditioner," said Lucius, running his hand through his hair. "It keeps my hair shiny and soft and – "

"It smells like lavatory disinfectant," snapped Moley. Suddenly his face lit up. "I've just thought of a brilliant new image for my mole eaters. MOLE EATERS! GET IN HERE!"

Seconds later, Moley's tent was packed with a group of miserable looking Mole Eaters.

"These disgusting smelling products that Lucius keeps on using for his hair have given me an idea. You, as my mole eaters, will now have a new image – you shall shave your heads and be bald like me."

There was a gasp. Lucius fainted.

"McNair!" said Moley, whilst glancing down at Lucius in disgust. "Get an owl to deliver this letter that Lucius has written to Dwaco and take Lucius out of here and shave his head."

Macnair nodded and with the letter clutched in his hand, he grabbed Lucius by the legs and dragged him out the tent.

Moley sat back and relaxed, opening a packet of lollipops and smiling at the thought of his soon-to-be bald Mole Eaters.

…

Lunchtime was gloomy at Hogwarts. Dumbledore, who had failed to retrieve his underpants from McGonnagal (she was wearing them as a hat), was now using a pile of leaves to conceal his private parts. Snape, was sitting looking miserable and still hungover, Filch was looking lovingly at Mrs Norris and throwing Snape dirty looks every so often and Trelawney was batting her eyelashes at Ron madly, hoping that he'd notice her and remember their night of drunken passion.

Harry ate his dinner in silence. Ron and Hermione weren't speaking to him. He glanced across at Draco, who was throwing death glares at Hermione. Suddenly, an owl swooped in and dropped a letter into Draco's lap. Draco, who was too busy glaring at Hermione, picked the letter up and stuffed it into his robes. Suddenly he got and left the table.

Without thinking, Harry got up to follow him.

"Surely you're not going after him are you?" called Ron.

Harry ignored him and followed Draco out of the Great Hall. He was just about to shout him when he noticed the letter fall from Draco's robes. Draco, who hadn't noticed, continued to the dungeons.

Harry ran over and picked the letter up. He thought about returning it, but then a bolt of jealousy ran through him when he thought of the possibility of Draco getting a letter from an admirer.

He ripped the letter open and began to read.

_Dear Dwa – I mean Draco, _

_The Dark Lord has come up with a new plan. He wants you to get Potter to fall in love with you so that you can lure Potter to him. Now before you pull a face, which I'm sure you will be doing at the thought of Potter falling in love with you, this wasn't my idea. I went through with this under threat. _

_It was either force you into doing this or give up my bleach, and you know how much my bleach means to me. Without it I'm nothing. Bleaching is what makes us Malfoys who we are. So you'd better think of a way to get Potter to fall in love with you or else my bleach will go down the drain. Literally. So get your ass moving boy! _

_Hope to see you soon_

_Love Daddy _

_P.S. I'll try and get you a cuddly toy ferret if I get the time. _

Harry clutched the letter, his head spinning. He turned and decided to head to the common room, trying to reassure himself that the tingling in his testicles was a result of Madame Pomfrey's shrinking potion that he had taken earlier and not as a result of the letter he had just read…

…

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